What the hell is NASA's problem?

I recorded my Uncle Timothy's drunken rant about NASA the last time he was over to pick pumpkins. Let's just say he had a little too much squash and we had to sedate him before he started punching everyone and screaming ethnic slurs about the Scandinavians.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What's the deal with Huggies "Little Mover" diapers?

Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to make a new kind of Huggies with a more contoured shape that features less bulk in the front with more space in the back for added comfort and mobility. I've been a Huggies user for years and I don't like change, but aside from my own personal problems, this just doesn't make sense.

Who the hell wants babies to be more mobile? Isn't that a bad thing? The whole point of a diaper is to constrict a baby and act like an underwear anchor to keep them from getting into more danger. Have you ever seen a naked baby on the street? No, because they're all dead. Babies with good mobility end up with an esophagus full of fiberglass insulation or get hit by cars. If we slow the babies down, they can be caught up to just in the nick of time before they drink out of a Drano bottle while you weren't paying attention.

Fast babies simply don't make sense, that's why they're not naturally fast. Evolution wouldn't want quick babies, so instead they're slow and kind of retarded. Anyone who has to wear a bag on their ass to capture feces should not be moving any faster than 2 miles an hour. That's the way I've always felt and that's the way I'll continue to feel, at least until I try these new diapers out and find out they're actually more comfortable than I was first led to believe.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


A Columbine killer parent finally speaks?

This is from a news story dated October 10th 2009:

"DENVER - In the first detailed public remarks by any parent of the two Columbine killers, Dylan Klebold's mother says she had no idea her son was suicidal until she read his journals after the 1999 high school massacre."

The key word here is suicidal. The kid didn't just kill himself, lady! Is that really the foremost thing on her mind? If he had only committed suicide, it wouldn't have been nearly as big of a deal; in fact we probably wouldn't have heard about it at all. What if he wasn't showing suicidal signs, but instead was running around the house screaming about killing people all the time? Well according to the mother, that could have been the case, but she didn't pay any mind to it because he never mentioned hurting himself.

I don't want to re-open this and get all on the parents' cases, but apparently no one wants this story to end. You have to blame the parents, especially in a suburban area. This isn't the inner city where kids are running with gangs that you can't possibly compete with, it's Colorado, the nation's least obese state. If your kid is running out into the woods to fire automatic weapons for target practice, you should be aware of that since you're the ones who made him. If you decide to make a kid you're responsible for them, unless they go insane of course, then all ties are severed.

Judging just by those sentences the mother said you can get an idea of what exactly went wrong. After all these years, the most important thing to her is that her son committed suicide. Meaning, if he had massacred all those kids and stayed alive to be in jail, she'd be visiting him constantly and checking up on him. Sure sociopaths are born for the most part, but giving them free reign as a rich muffin biscuit doesn't help things either.

Maybe Colorado is to blame! Affluent, bored, not obese, so naturally athletics would be a great activity for these kids, but then again everyone's White. So really, it's an academic path or a nervous breakdown massacre path. If the Columbine killers were obese they would've been sitting around eating Devil Dogs and wouldn't have had the energy to construct a plan for a massacre. When was the last time you saw a morbidly obese murderer? Those people have better things to do. So yes, I blame Colorado for not being more like Texas or anywhere else in America that frequently enjoys deep fried Snickers bars.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Has the Balloon Falcon story gone too far?

They would have gotten away with it if they actually put the kid in the balloon, but shame on them for not having the will to succeed. And I'm getting tired of people reusing that joke about how he shouldn't be called "Balloon Boy" since he was never in the balloon and should be called "Attic Boy" instead. I first heard it on SNL, but Seth Meyers may have stolen it from someone else, who knows? I'll attribute him with it even though it's not that good of a joke. Do they really expect the news to call him "Attic Boy"? People should know better than to expect anything from the news these days, much less logic.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Why did Warner Bros. reject my "The Dark Knight" theatrical trailer?!

Awhile back I made this trailer as a preview for the smash hit film "The Dark Knight" and submitted it to Warner Bros. Surprisingly, they didn't contact me, though I assume they used it in some form to help promote the film. What I'm really pissed off about is that I made this in 2002. So they basically stole my idea for the movie and I'm rightfully entitled to at least half of the money The Joker burned plus dead Asian guy ash.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What happens when Optimus Prime goes to Burger King?

This is a 2nd grade rendition of the famous Burger King commercial that promoted the movie "Transformers 3: Revenge of the Fallen Rising Cobra". As you can see Optimus is more like us than we may have guessed.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Have you heard about Exercise bulimia?

Until recently, this disorder was known as "exercising too much", but there's more behind it. Exercise bulimia is where a person eats and then feels the compelling urge to exercise vigorously to burn off all the calories they just ingested. That determination can lead to dangerous health and social problems in the person's life. And I say "person's" because this subset of bulimia probably includes more men into the bulimia family.

I think we get too hung up on the motives for harmful activities. We build these definitions of disorders and then try to tackle deep rooted mental problems. Instead, why don't we just focus on the basics? Exercising too much is bad. Doing anything too much is bad. That's why it's called "too much". Because at one point it was enough, but then more came along and ruined everything.

With old bulimia, the problem is barfing up your food. Not a good idea, unless you've just eaten poison. Thing is, most would agree, throwing up your food to avoid getting fat is more severe than exercising to not get fat. So the purging bulimia is an issue, but exercising? Just set your limits. You can't really set limits on how much of your food you want to vomit up after dinner (even a little would be bad), but you can set limits on exercise. It's also easier to get people to stop exercising than vomiting, from my experience. Just take away their gym membership. Then they'll be forced to run around like a loon to burn calories and hopefully then, they'll realize the error in their ways. I don't mean to be belittle the exercise bulimia here, I'm just trying to help!

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Why does this robot keep asking me for help?!

I still don't know who this freak is, but all these VHS tapes are getting really annoying! They're bulky, the quality is shit, and sometimes they get jammed in my machine and I have to use ice tongs to rip 'em out while hoping to preserve the tender dark film tissue innards. In addition to all that, they're a real pain in the ass to convert. You'd think for such a futuristic being he'd know how to use Blu Ray, then I could just ignore his messages altogether since I don't have a Blu Ray player.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about check out the second and first videos.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Should kids be allowed to have sporks in school?

You probably heard about this first grader who brought a metal fork/spoon/folding knife into class and was sentenced to 45 days in an alternative school. Well the suspension was lifted after the nationwide outrage came pouring in, but I'm going to argue against the kid, just for fun.

These days, it doesn't matter how old you are, you are capable of harming someone else. Everyone was focusing on the age of this child, but how quickly we forget that there have been instances of child shooters as young as six. Yeah read up on that, booyah! I really don't need to keep going, but I will...

People think just because it was a Cub Scout tool, it's wholesome and non-threatening. The Cub Scouts are the real deal, they don't mess around. This thing wasn't plastic. And while a metal folding knife is not a pistol, it's still a pointy object. Does that mean we need to outlaw pencils and pens in schools? ... For six year olds, maybe. Lawd knows they're going to have their fair share of falling accidents. And nothing makes a fall worse than a pen in your front pocket pointed up near the thigh flesh. That's a boo boo that's going to cause some severe trauma and horrific leg hemorrhaging.

And even if the child who brought it to school doesn't have a motive to harm anyone, it can still be stolen from him by another child with bad intentions. If some other kid stole it from him, and used it to shank the teacher, who would be to blame there? Of course the shanker, but to a lesser and more fundamental degree, the shanker's parents, and lastly the child who brought the weapon to begin with.

And finally, what's 45 days in an "alternate" school anyway? This isn't "A Clockwork Orange" folks. I sincerely doubt this was going to be a very severe punishment. If anything it would have been a big warning to parents to watch what their kids are bringing to school. But now since the penalty was revoked, parents nationwide are now emboldened in the idea that if a kid is six, he can be given complete leeway when it comes to possession of potential stabbing weapons, and that is not the message to be sending. Maybe this was the right decision for this particular case, but it could be setting a very dangerous precedent.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Can you guess what's going to happen here?

Did you guess right? If you did, that's pretty good. You should consider becoming English (assuming you aren't already, which is incredibly possible given your psychic abilities) and getting a crime show on CBS or FOX. If you didn't, then don't bother getting upset about it because it was a tough one.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Why do we need to find water on The Moon?

NASA recently spent 79 million dollars (which is almost enough to hire a professional sports star for 5 years) to crash a satellite into our Moon. At the moment they say "it worked", but really, how could it have not? How incompetent do you have to be to not be able to crash something into the Moon with the proper equipment? That would have been embarrassing.

Now the question is, did they find water? But the real question is, why do they need water? Well, it would be very expensive to transport water to the Moon and they would feel awful dumb if they found out there was water there already. But let's delve into that some more. Who is going to be on the Moon and need large amounts of water? I sure as hell won't. Are they doing this as a first step to colonize the Moon? Or are they doing this just for future astronaut missions?

If it's just for astronauts, screw them, they can take along a thermos. But if it's for a grander operation, then maybe it's time for us to slow down a little. Even if they do find water, it'll be Moon water, yuck! Who wants a glass of that? Probably has moon creature herpes in it. And what if there's only some and not enough to be useful? We're taking the Moon for granted here, if it was pristine, would we be smashing things into it? No. But since it's all riddled with craters we figure we can keep smashing it. It's like treated a seasoned prostitute rough just for the sake of it, cut the ho some slack!

The end result of all this is meaningless, the real issue here is that they took a 79 million dollar gamble on some shit that we don't really need at the moment. And even if we ignore the current situation of the nation, there's another thing to ponder, how much water does 79 million dollars buy? Well right now around 79 million bottles. If water becomes super valuable in the future that might change, but how far ahead are we talking about here? I don't mind keeping an ear and eye out for alien radio transmissions and large objects coming at us, but this kind of stuff is ridiculous. At the very least you're going to piss off the Man on the Moon, and he's been relatively peaceful up until now.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Can married life make you hallucinate?

According to the Newport people, if a man gets bored enough with his life, he will begin to see strange apparitions that can sometimes create real objects. But beware, some of these creations can cause cancer. Then again, it's better than having them hand him crack.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Is Michael Moore a hypocrite?

Sometimes I think Michael Moore goes too far to prove a point, like when he brought the wheelchaired kid from Columbine into Wal Mart to return the bullets in his body, but he usually has the right message. The problem now is how he's presenting the message. He's selling a film about how capitalism is bad. How hypocritical do you have to be before everyone stops paying attention to you? He could show the movie to everyone for free, but that would be insane from a business standpoint.

So here's a guy using the system to his benefit and at the same time attacking it for the sake of his public image and hoping that it will force some superhero into motion that can defeat a system where even the people against it are forced to buy in. Sure he has assigned some free screenings at homeless shelters, but what can homeless people do about changing the financial culture of America? They can vote, but do we really expect someone without a home to take even an hour to vote and perhaps make a 0.0000000001% difference in anything, when they could be using that time to pick up some change off the ground or get something in their stomach?

And the last bit of hypocrisy is a minor detail, but Michael Moore is clearly obese. An obese person condemning greed, gluttony, and the American way is the hypocritical cherry on top. The "Super Size Me" guy could have saved everyone a lot of time and just showed a picture of Michael Moore. But we're all a product of the system and in this system if you're being fed, you're happy and if you're not, you're angry. You can't be both and still be taken seriously. You can't be poor and rage against the machine. There are tanks and fighter jets now, this isn't 18th century France. You have to be rich to make a difference, but why the hell would anyone wealthy and comfortable self destruct to save poor people? If that ever happens, the subsequent shock might be enough to change things, but it won't happen so fugeddaboutit.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


Should Young Children Have Cell Phones?

This was the subject of the latest episode of "The Simpsons" and the Associated Press posted a video about it too, so I figure it's a sizzling topic of debate right now. I think most kids should wait to have a cell phone until the age they're allowed to drive, ironically... But really, anything before that is key developmental time and they're already going to deal with arthritis from typing everyday instead of using the archaic art of hand printing. Not to mention their brains aren't fully developed and could be affected by radiation from the phone, but that's another story.

The problem is, kids whine and parents cave in, it only has to happen one time before every kid points to the other and the spread of uniformity begins. It seems that as soon as a child can speak coherently, they've got a phone in their hands. Babies love phones because they see their parents on the phone all the time, back in the day, babies loved cigarettes and "The Price is Right," which is more of a step to the side rather than forward, but what can you do?

The only way to stop kids from having phones is to keep them from speaking coherently. When considering that, maybe the American educational system isn't doing that bad of a job after all. Just think if all American kids were literate at age two and on cell phones, is that the kind of world you really want to live in? Maybe everything happens for a reason.

-Binkie McFartnuggets


What can YOU do to stop Swine Flu?

First of all, don't do what this dumbass in the picture is doing. Look at that sneeze mist, every bead of moisture is teeming with potentially death bringing bacteria. We need to start looking at things clinically, sneezing in public these days is like spritzing a bottle of Anthrax in the air. If someone was doing that, I'm pretty sure they'd be tackled and put in jail. Sneezing still remains legal, but I am working on it.

If you're in a crowded area, hold your sneeze! Your lungs will not burst, that's a myth! You might get an erratic heartbeat and maybe go into cardiac arrest, but hey, better you than the room full of people! At least hold it until you can find a bag to sneeze into, then properly dispose of the bag, do not rub it on an enemy. You might make your enemy sick, but who knows who that enemy will go on to infect, perhaps one of your loved ones, and poetically speaking that's exactly what would happen, think McFly, THINK!

You need to start putting aside cultural and social rules for the sake of survival. Normally if you see a child sneezing into their hands or coughing into the air, you might just ignore it, but the time for ignorance is over. You cannot be afraid to tell that little phucker to cover his mouth or sneeze into a brown paper bag. Would you sacrifice millions of lives just to protect the feelings of one inconsiderate random child? You have to embarrass these people, we all have to. The person coughing straight ahead must be made into a social pariah and fast. If someone you know has been seen not covering a cough, you have to cut them off completely until they are ready to reform their behaviors.

If you see anyone with these symptoms in the act of coughing or sneezing, you must make a citizen's arrest and throw them into the nearest locker or garbage bin (if garbage bin, seal the top off with plastic wrap until thrashing stops).

A lot of people want to ignore safety because of how the media is overindulging themselves with the H1N1 coverage, but we can't afford even a few Asians in the armor here. Everyone has to be aware of the dangers and that doesn't mean we all need the vaccine. If all of us practice proper coughing and sneezing etiquette then there is no need for the vaccine or even Purell! Purell is very overrated and slowly eating your immune system alive. If you remember to not get mucus on your hands we should all make it through this. That is my new slogan for everyone to remember "Keep the mucus off your hands!"

-Binkie McFartnuggets