12.31.2012

Air Traffic Controllers Falling Asleep at Job



There are many solutions being proposed as to how to help air traffic controllers stay awake at their job to limit horrific deadly accidents and I think this has to be the best one yet.

Fun Ways To Continue The Holiday Spirit

Just because Christmas is over doesn't mean the season of goodwill and giving can't continue well into the New Year. One of my favorite ways to keep paying it forward is  to help out my neighbors with their decorations. Once Christmas ends and everything starts to go back to normal people find themselves back at work with a  lot to do and lose track of how long their Christmas lights and tinsel is up. What I like to do is go around to all my neighbors' houses and pull the  decorations off the facades of their homes when they're away at work completely free of charge. If they still have their tree up I will try to break in and remove  the tree to have it recycled too because that's a fire hazard. I don't tell people I'm doing this because I like it to be a surprise and when they pull up into their  driveway you better believe it is!

What The Hell is "WAXVAC"?

Maybe you've seen the commercial for the WaxVac that tells you how dangerous it is to clean your ears with q-tips and shows a man screaming loudly as  he jams one in his ear as far as he can. Yes, q-tips can be dangerous for someone who can't sense how deep the q-tip is going into their head. If it stops  feeling like an eargasm and you feel a stinging pain and the q-tip is red that means you've gone too far. But as dangerous as q-tips are, is a vacuum really  safer? If that's the answer why not just take your vacuum hose at home and hold that up to your ear canal? That's a free WaxVac right in your very own  home! There's no sense in wasting the money for some silly as-seen-on-tv rip off product, just put an industrial vacuum over your ear canal and watch that  ear wax disappear!

12.30.2012

Wacky New Year's Resolutions



It's almost time to ring the bell for a New Year to come so I hope your resolutions are bagged up and ready to carry down the river of 2013! 

Pizza Hut's $10 Any Pizza, Any Size Deal

Pizza Hut has had a promotion for awhile where they say for $10 you can get any kind of pizza, any size, with any crust or toppings. I'm wondering why they  say "any size"? Shouldn't they just say "large"? Who's paying $10 to get a small pizza when it's the same exact price for a medium or large?

Is there a segment of the population out there that they don't want  to alienate by assuming everyone would want a large pizza? Are there people out there saying "Yeah can I get a stuffed crust pizza with lamb vaginas and  fried bananas with the ten dollar deal?" and the Pizza Hut person is like "You want large, medium, or small?" "It's ten dollars for any size?" "Yes." "Okay  well then I'll take the medium. I wouldn't want to pay the same amount for more food, that's ridiculous."

Movies Named After The Main Character

Critics say "Jack Reacher" is "a smart action joyride". If it's so smart how come the creators of the film couldn't come up with a better title for the movie? It's  not easy to come up with a great, unique movie title these days just look at "Haunted House", but just naming the movie after the main character is a cop  out. Even Indiana Jones had other shit in the titles besides just the dude's name. It's fine if there's other things that go with the character's name like  "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" or "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective", but "Jack Reacher" or "John Carter" or "Alex Cross" is just lazy.

There are some exceptions. Usually if the character's name is the title as a single word they can get away with it like "Marty", "Beethoven", or "Lincoln", it  seems more dramatic that way. If the character's name is really unique like "Edward Scissorhands" then it's fine to name the movie after them, but when it's  just a normal guy's first and last name there's something off about that. How much longer till every movie is just the characters name and all you see are  films like "Ted Douglas", "Jim Edwards" and "Donna Johnson". That's where we're heading folks!

12.29.2012

Analyzing "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971)



"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" is a classic film that never gets old, but the more and more you watch it the more you realize how dark and sadistic it really is. People argue to this day about Grandpa Joe. Most people say he's a rancid sack of shit, you could argue either way.

What The Hell is "Forever Comfy"?What The Hell is "Forever Comfy"?

Maybe you've seen this commercial for these glorified ass pillows called "Forever Comfy". This reminds me of those aluminum siding slats that they try to sell on TV to keep your couch from sagging. Why are there all these products being sold that any moron could just make at home in five seconds? You know what you can do to make your own Forever Comfy? Get a pillow you have laying around the house. There is no step 2, you're done.

"Forever Comfy" is an odd name. I feel like that'd be a better name for a brand of luxury coffins, then the name might actually make sense. Any time you use the word "forever" you're setting unrealistic goals for yourself. At least I know that long after Armageddon has wiped the planet to dust I'll be able to sit on a Forever Comfy. I'd imagine the most comfortable anyone could ever be is sitting on a Forever Comfy while wearing a Snuggie with nothing on under it. That's my dream and thanks to these assholes it may very well come true.

Will Global Warming Cause Sea Levels To DROP?

I was talking to a schizophrenic homeless man in the park today and he said that contrary to popular belief, global warming will lead to the LOWERING of sea level. He said that as the planet warms and the Sun's rays become more intense that the heat from the Sun will evaporate ocean water at a much faster rate, negating any rise caused by the melting of the ice caps. I was befuddled. I had honestly never considered that possibility, but I sincerely doubt he had his math correct. Surely the amount of sea water produced by the melting of the polar ice caps would still be enough to make a negative impact on human life. Plus, when water evaporates it doesn't just disappear! It turns into vapor and becomes rain that goes right back into the ocean. And even if by some chance this hobo was correct in his theory, the oceans will still heat up and the hotter water gets the more potential for catastrophic storms. There's no real way to justify climate change as a good thing I don't care how many dogs you scream at every day.

12.28.2012

Sometimes Life Gives You Defective Used Cars



In pirate times when you had to take a shit you would sit at the edge of the boat and use the ocean as both your toilet AND bidet.

Another Man Killed on NYC Subway Tracks

On Thursday December 27th, 2012 a man in Queens was reportedly murdered by being pushed onto the tracks of the 7 train by a young mumbling woman. You might remember a little while back a man died the same way after he was pushed by a mumbling man. I think the trick here is to avoid mumbling people at all costs. If you ever get into an argument with a non-mumbling person there are ways to defuse the conflict, but with mumbling people it's not over until someone's laying on subway tracks and that someone is probably going to be you. This combined with the Newtown elementary school shooting highlights the need for more mental health awareness. If you see someone mumbling to themselves the right thing to do would be to follow them around and keep an eye on their activities. Then when they're about to push someone in front of a train you can grab a hold of them and help them get the medical treatment they need. If everyone did that then I think we'd start to see these incidents of crazy folks killing people really slow down.

Screw the Fiscal Cliff

Forget what the Fiscal Cliff actually is, the issue here is that America is going to fall off it. When you find yourself about to fall off a cliff, the actual cliff itself means very little. It's the fall and what's at the bottom of the cliff that should concern you most. So never mind all the financial economic mumbo jumbo that is the Fiscal Cliff. Instead let's focus on what's lying at the bottom of the cliff: more taxes. The whole cliff analogy is completely stupid because at least if you were literally jumping off a cliff you would be dead when you hit the bottom. It'd be nice if we could just all die together by literally going off a cliff, that's the best way, but instead everyone lives and has to pay more taxes. I'd rather die with everyone all at once because that way if people want to talk shit about me they have to do it right to my face in Hell. If I die way before everyone else in a completely separate incident people get to gather around and laugh at how I shit my pants. I think the government is going to go off the cliff on purpose so everyone has to pay more taxes. Why do the politicians give a crap whether or not working mothers have to pay an extra couple grand a year to fund Washington DC's bullshit? It's all a crockpot full of shit and frankly the smell is becoming rather unappealing!



12.27.2012

The Memory of Lonesome George is Eternal



The famous tortoise "Lonesome George" passed away recently and because of the failures of those around him he was unable to produce any offspring before he died. If only they had listened to me we could have a bunch of Social George Jrs. roaming around the world looking for tortoise pussy.

What is the Best Way to Quit a Job?

Some people tend to think the best way to quit a job is to write a letter of resignation and give two weeks notice, but that's a lot of bull crap. You're hopefully never going to see these people again so why waste even more of your time for them? My favorite way to quit a job has and always will be to bring in a giant boom box stereo and play the Hulk Hogan theme song while running around clotheslining everyone. Then when security guards try to taser me I start shaking my head and going crazy then I point at them, slam them down and give them a giant leg drop. Usually the leg drop ends up hurting me more than it hurts them because my raw ass lands directly on the ground, but it's a nice spectacle for the crowd watching. That's what quitting is all about, the crowd. You don't get many opportunities in corporate America to be free and express yourself, the one chance you have is when you quit or are fired. I'm not saying hurt anyone, but you have to go out with some balls. A true boss  will respect that more than a pussy ass letter of resignation.

Why Does it NEVER Snow in Times Square on New Year's Eve?

New Year's Eve occurs around the start of winter on December 31st into January 1st and the most famous celebration occurs in New York City located in the northeastern United States. Snow is not uncommon in the northeast in winter, but when was the last time you ever saw a blizzard in Times Square on New Year's Eve? Blizzards aren't very rare occurrences, usually there's one every year or every other year and they can happen as early as November and last several days. The fact that one has never happened to occur while a million people are standing outside to watch the ball drop is amazing to me. According to Weather.com the only years it has ever snowed while the ball was dropping were 1926, 1934, 1948, 1952, 1961, 1967, and 2009 and "it appears that the heaviest snow falling during a drop occurred in 1967 when moderate snow was reported with 2 to 3 inches of snow on the ground." Two to three inches? In all of recorded history the worst New Year's Eve snow fall was 2-3 inches! It also appears that this year while there may be some light snow there will be no chance of a New Year's Eve blizzard in 2013. It's too bad, seeing all those people watching the giant glowing testicle descend in a blizzard would be an amazing sight.

12.26.2012

Finding French Onions in Your Condom Soup



There was a strange story about someone who found a prophylactic device in their French Onion Soup at a restaurant. As it turns out this type of thing happens far more than one would expect. Some people think it's due to a covert birth control organization.

Outbreak of Shooting Violence in America

It seems that there's a new case of a random man shooting and murdering several strangers every week if not every few days now. We may get to a point where the news media in this country can't milk each one because before they know it there's another one to report on. We could reach a point where there are numerous candlelight vigils going on simultaneously all for different shootings and you have to decide which one to go to based on the number of victims, the age of the victims, and the proximity of the shooting to your residence. We might see a time soon when there are so many mass killings occurring that there's not enough prayers in the world for all the victims and our entire lives become one long moment of silence. Will we adjust to this type of occurrence?

Even if you got rid of every single gun on the market being sold right now, that still leaves roughly thousands of lunatics who had already wanted a gun with a gun, and you can't take their gun from them without a fight so it's just a matter of time until they snap. Obviously a majority of gun owners are not maniacs, but that doesn't mean action can't be taken. Just because not all prostitutes have STDs doesn't mean you forgo the condom. But what can be done? Not really much. When a possible solution is limiting high capacity ammo magazines you know we're fucked. That's like trying to limit the number of points scored in the NBA by only letting midgets be professional basketball players. Would that help? Yeah sort of... But the midgets are still going to find a way to score. I'm not sure that cuts to the heart of the problem. Whatever the solution, it's clearly not going to be something everyone agrees on. At what point does the government say "Fuck it!" and invent a bulletproof stretchy green man bodysuit and give everyone one to wear all day every day?

New Highway Safety Slogan: "Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over"

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) is using the slogan "Drive Sober of Get Pulled Over" in a new anti-drunk driving awareness campaign. While I do NOT support drunk driving I have to say this slogan is not that great. First off it's nowhere near catchy enough for an alcoholic to remember. It doesn't even rhyme! "Sober" does not rhyme with "over". The only time it would rhyme is if you're slobbering drunk and at that point it's TOO LATE!

My other problem with this slogan is with it's actual meaning. "Drive sober or get pulled over" basically means that if you do anything but drive sober you're getting pulled over. Technically this would mean if I was riding drunk with my designated driver I would be getting pulled over because I wouldn't be "driving sober", I would be "riding drunk". If I'm at home knitting a pair of wool socks sober then I could be pulled over because I'm not driving sober. I think something like "Only a Punk Drives Drunk" would be a better slogan, at least that's something that could catch on a little easier than "Drive Sober of Get Pulled Over". It's a flawed statement is all I'm saying.

12.25.2012

How They Should Have Stopped the BP Oil Spill



Eventually BP figured out how to stop their unprecedented oil rig disaster, but there was definitely a better way to go about it. Unfortunately they ignored my requests to speak with the board of directors and the debacle drug on much longer than it should have.

First "Beats by Dre" and Now "Soul by Ludacris"?

"Crap by Hobo"
Following the path set by disputable physician Doctor Dre, the rap music composer Ludacris now has his own line of specialty headphones. I can't say I blame him for doing this, but it is an obvious rip-off of the Beats by Dre headphones as far as concept goes. Now if people don't like Beats by Dre they can go get Soul by Ludacris, but why stop there?

How much longer until we see Spirit by Eminem, Melody by Coolio, Naughty by Naughty By Nature, Chill by Vanilla Ice, or Wonder by DA BRAT? When will this come to an end? Will there one day be stores that sell only headphones and there are thousands of different varieties and brands to choose from and even your grandmother will have a licensed pair of headphones called "Confusion by Nana"? It's starting to appear that way.

Things You Should NOT Re-Gift

Now that you've got all your Christmas presents you've probably got some crap that you're going to want to get rid of, but remember that not everything is okay to pass off on someone else. For instance, when you're given a hot oil massage or sex toys by your spouse, these are things you're not going to want to give a co-worker as a late Christmas present. Well you might WANT to, but you shouldn't because odds are you'll end up with a pink slip for New Year's. If you are set on regifting a personal enjoyment item or something at least do your best to disguise it as some sort of sculpture or Mr. Potato Head type toy that maybe a co-worker can then re-gift to their nephew or something. Then that's perfectly fine. That's called paying it forward and isn't that what the holidays are really all about?

12.24.2012

Taking a Christmas Dump at Denny's


Here's a video of a ridiculous buffoon dressed up like "Classy Batman" going to drop un dos en el bano de some weird restaurant.

Do Violent Video Games Inspire Mass Murderers?

Murderer!
I'm getting sick of old people always blaming shooting violence on violent video games. Nearly every kid plays video games nowadays so you could ask if video games cause kids to participate in winter coat drives for the homeless just as easily as you can ask if it makes them kill people. Millions of kids play violent video games and only a half a dozen end up going on shooting sprees, that's not a trend. A kid visiting the zoo could go to the chimpanzee cages and realize he wants to fuck a chimp, but that doesn't automatically mean going to the zoo makes people want to fuck chimps. Different people will react differently to different things. If there were absolutely no access to chimps for anyone then yes the number of chimp fuckings would be down to 0, but people enjoy looking at chimps and violent video games are fun.

Video games just don't really have that big of an influence on people. I played a lot of sports video games as a kid, did that mean I went out and participated in actual sports? NO. I played "The Sims" a lot too, but did I go out and get a job or talk to people walking outside my house on the front lawn until my bladder bar went red and I pissed myself on the porch? NO! A big reason you play video games is because you can do things you can't do in real life. I can't be a lesbian elf warrior in real life, so I go to a video game to do that. I can't get into a Ferrari and crash it into a gas station, so I go to a video game to do that. If they weren't blaming violent video games for shootings they'd still be blaming heavy metal music or movies which more people have decided is bullshit already.


Dumbass Sayings: "Pain is Weakness Leaving The Body"

You hear people say "Pain is weakness leaving the body" meaning the more pain you go through the stronger you get. This saying is complete bullshit. Pain is not weakness leaving the body and enduring massive amounts of pain does not strengthen a person. If this saying was true then every time a captured prisoner of war was released after being tortured for months they'd be stronger than ever, but that's never the case. Instead, they're usually broken shells of the person they once were and are usually very depressed and even suicidal. Their minds are virtually destroyed and they're incapable of living normal lives. Being a crippled, mentally destroyed husk of a person is hardly what I would label as strong. If we were to revise this saying it would be "Pain is a test of human strength, but can over time break down a body and mind". Saying "pain is weakness leaving the body" is ridiculous nonsense.

Relax, this is just a new workout!

12.23.2012

How To Protect Your Skin in the Winter

One of the best ways to prevent wind damaged skin in harsh winter conditions is to use your nasal mucus as a lotion. The human body produces large quantities of mucus in cold weather for this exact purpose. When you're out in the cold your nose drips with a viscous fluid to lubricate and the sinuses and keep them from drying up and breaking down. If this helps the skin and tissue in your nasal cavities it can certainly help your face as well. Most people are squeamish about rubbing their snot all over their face, but it really does work. It all boils down to how much you don't want dry skin and how much you care about what other people think about you. So the next time you're out and you feel your skin start cracking and you're all out of Jergins give a good blow into your hands and try it out. It can't hurt!

The Only REAL Cure For A Hangover

People will try nearly anything to recover from a hangover from wearing weird nutrient patches to drinking llama semen, but the fact of the matter is the best way to recover from a hangover is simply drinking water. When you wake up after a long night of drinking your urine looks like Log Cabin maple syrup and Coca-Cola for a reason, it's because you're dehydrated. Alcohol dries out the body and when you drink too much it multiplies the amount of water you should be drinking. When you go out drinking tequila all night and being a whore your body is requiring more water than usual and when you're busy being a whore: dancing, sweating and fucking, you're probably drinking less water than you normally do. So think about that, you're requiring MORE water than normal and you're drinking LESS than you normally do. That's always going to add up to a bad result. A headache is a common hangover symptom and it's also a common symptom of extreme dehydration. So the trick to beating a hangover isn't blowing a goat or eating raspberries, it's drinking pissloads of water.

26 Acts of Kindness

NBC's Ann Curry is now famous for suggesting that everyone in America perform one act of kindness for each person killed in the Sandy Hook Elementary School Massacre. This is a great movement and I'm not doubting the good that comes from it or the spirit and intentions behind it, but why do we always feel we need to make good out of bad? Can't things just be purely bad? If anything could be seen as a complete and utter tragedy it was the Connecticut school shooting.

This "26 Acts of Kindness" could turn out to be a terrible thing because what if someone sees this and decides to kill 50 people so that everyone's forced to do 50 acts of kindness? It's not likely, but it's possible. Why open the door to something like that? Why create benefits for others from the death of a child? When someone's kid dies in a house fire or something do they go out and do an act of kindness to represent the spirit of that dead child? Not especially. So why do this and symbolize the number 26 so much? To ask people to do one great good deed for the collective victims would be better. Focusing so much on the number 26 almost makes it seem like a mark that is a record and most people view records as things to be exceeded and surpassed. That's definitely not what you should be doing. Take it easy on the number symbolism!

How To Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

We've all been in that situation, it's after work and you're driving home at 95 miles per hour because you need to shit and there's no rest stop nearby. All of a sudden you see red and blue lights flashing in your rear view mirror and a cop is barking at you over his loudspeaker. At this point it's almost certain he's going to give you a speeding ticket unless you're a beautiful woman with big titties and good blow job techniques. If you've pulled over and realized you have none of those things and you definitely do NOT want a speeding ticket then the best thing is to drive away as fast as you can because after you do that the last thing on that copper's mind is giving you a ticket. Granted, you will be in for a much more stern punishment when you're caught, but if you're really adamant about not getting a speeding ticket then this is the most fool-proof method to avoid that. If the actual fear you have is being given a piece of paper that has a fine on it, then do this. If it's getting in trouble, that's a different story, but we're talking about how to get out of a speeding ticket here.

12.22.2012

Psycho Freeway Story Time



Here's a ridiculous video I found of some moron telling a story no more than five yards away from speeding cars on a busy highway.

Will Armed Teachers Stop School Shootings?

The National Rifle Association is suggesting every school have at least one armed police officer and some schools are already arming teachers to protect students just in case there's a shooting incident. There are scenarios where an armed officer could stop a shooter, but a solution like this poses more of a problem in the long run. We've seen trained cops end up tasering kindergarteners when they get out of control so imagine what an armed guard or teacher would do with a gun when fights broke out or a student started getting out of control. This also doesn't seem like a good idea because any shooter would know there were guards and either try to take them out first or avoid them altogether while managing to kill as many as if there were no guard at all. But on the bright side at least grades and test scores might go up since students are more likely to pay attention to their teacher when they've got a loaded AK-47 slung over their arm. Kids in Nazi Germany did pretty well in school didn't they?

How To Keep From Shitting Your Pants

Sometimes nature calls when you're trapped in a bus or train with no bathroom or when you're standing on line at the post office. In most cases the only option is to drop a number two in your trousers, but no one likes to do that. People tend to think the only other option is to pull your pants down and squat in public, but there is one other way to deal with this issue. Carry a large black garbage bag and lots of paper towels with you in your pocket or purse, then when the time comes:

1). Step into the bag.

2). Under the cover of the bag pull your pants off so that you are effectively wearing the bag as pants. Place the pants outside of the bag or pin them in front of you.

3). Try to squat without breaking the bag. This can be a tricky step if you're using a cheap bag. It's best to go with high quality in this case. Glad Forceflex is my bag of choice.

4). Once squatted in the bag with your pants laying outside of the bag, take a dump. It will likely get on your feet and this might be uncomfortable, but it's way less uncomfortable than launching a brown scud missile in your pants.

5). Once you're done, take the paper towels I mentioned earlier and wipe your feet and ass with them, IN THAT ORDER. Then maneuver your pants back on while trying not to step in the shit. This is a tricky step, it may just be easier to step out of the bag naked to put your pants on. You might ask "Well why not just shit naked in the first place?" Well because the act of shitting can take several minutes and in that time you are incredibly vulnerable. If you can create a diversion or time it just right you can jump out of the bag naked and pop your pants back on before anyone on line for the roller coaster notices.

And that's it! Never shit your pants ever again. Sure you could waste money on an adult diaper, but you'd have to be wearing one of those every day just in case and that's like living in fear from a terrorist attack, it's no way to live. Plus buying adult diapers is flat out embarrassing. Just shit in a trash bag, it's a lot easier, trust me. So use my tried and true method and save money on adult diapers and pants.

12.21.2012

Ridiculous Robt. Burns Cigar Commercial


Robt. Burns was famous for being "the cigar pronounced with the abrupt and hard T". Ultimately they went out of business because people stopped being able to say the name properly and avoided asking for it from behind the counter.

How To Avoid Being Caught Masturbating

Nice Elephant Man legs, freak.
As any independent woman will tell you, being caught masturbating is one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to someone at Six Flags. It's like riding a bike, you never really forget. Still, there are a few tips I've picked up over the years that I'd like to share with you. Now you might be saying, but Binkie you get caught masturbating at least twice a week, what good are your tips?! Well you have to take into account my success rate. Yes I do get caught 2-8 times a week by one person or another, but I have an overall success rate of 97.74% so the math speaks for itself.

Right off the bat, the best offense is a good defense and that means make sure whoever is leaving the house remembers everything so they don't come back five minutes later. Remind grandma to take her keys every single time otherwise you're going to hear the door shut and get down to business immediately to maximize your time and she comes in to see you with the rope around your neck watching 2 Girls 1 Cup. Another preventative measure that can be done in this case would be to not have your grandma's keys on the desk in your room, but whatever.

My next tip is to wear MC Hammer pants. If you wear these things not only can you break out in to a Hammer Time dance any time you please, but it's very easy to fiddle your magic bean as your genitals are hidden in a flamboyant jungle of distraction. In fact I recommend masturbating WHILE doing an MC Hammer dance. Most people when confronted with this visual will become either hypnotized or so confused they have to walk away and their brain immediately flushes out the memory like a virus.

And because I can't give up all my secrets, my last tip is to try always to masturbate in some sort of closet with your ass to the door. This is helpful at work because if anyone does open up the closet all they end up seeing is enough to know they should leave. It might feel embarrassing, but as long as no one can see your face there's no real way to tell who it was. Unless you're at home, but even then it's still somewhat effective.

Things To Do Before The World Ends

Even if the apocalypse doesn't arrive this year, it's good to have a list of general things everyone should do before perishing in agonizing flames.

- Try a hardcore drug. Now I don't advocate this for underaged people, but if you're a responsible adult and you have a permit for medical heroin or crystal meth you should definitely give it a go just for the experience. You wouldn't want to die without trying sex, so why doesn't the same apply for LSD? Plus you're definitely gonna want to be high when the end comes so you don't have to face Satan straight in the face completely sober.

- Go skydiving without a parachute. Everyone should experience the feeling of flying free without any fear and if you know you're going to die then jumping out of a plane with no parachute is about as free as it gets. If you time it just right then the apocalypse will happen while you're still falling and you won't have to experience the splat at the end.

- Ride on an animal that isn't traditionally used for riding. Ex: Giraffe, Hippo, Gazelle, Moutain Lion, Chupacabra, etc.

- Go to a really fancy restaurant and enjoy a great meal. Hopefully you can get the majority of it down right before the apocalypse strikes and the meal is free.

- Have sex with a prostitute. Hopefully you can get the majority of the loving done right before the apocalypse strikes and the meal is free.

- Go streaking in the most populated area you can find. Feel truly free for one time in your life. There's no time for body image issues when the end of humanity is at hand, plus it'll just be really fun to run through Times Square on Meth completely naked. Who can say they've done that before, that never went to jail for it?

Please note this list is meant only for last minute fun once the apocalypse is certainly here, not just for when people THINK it's the apocalypse.

12.20.2012

Can They Stop Calling It "Miss Universe"?

Do you have any idea how arrogant it is to declare someone the most beautiful person in the universe? The sheer hyperbole self-satirizes the title. Are we that sure that these women in the Miss Universe pageant are the best looking in the UNIVERSE? What if a million light years away there's a woman that looks like Scarlett Johansson except with eighteen boobs? What then?! I'll tell you what then! Then your contest means nothing!

I'm no stranger to hyperbole. When I crack a huge fart I yell "Wow! That was the loudest fart in the world!" And as I'm saying that in the dentist's waiting room everyone knows I'm clearly being facetious. Of course there are many people much larger than me who have produced far louder farts on the planet Earth. That being said, I would never dare to even joke that my fart was the "loudest in the UNIVERSE". That's absolutely ridiculous. That crosses the boundary from just plain stupid to such a joke that it could never be taken seriously as a valid statement by anyone. So if I can't do that with my farts how come these people get to do it with beauty pageants? That's all I'm saying!

How To Deal with Christmas Carolers

'Tis the season to have your annoying neighbors knock on your door and sing century old songs into your face. While I appreciate the holiday spirit, it can get to be a bit much. I'm already having a good time on Christmas Day. This is the scenario that always occurs: I just opened my gifts, I'm eager to try out the new Malaysian Spiral Fuck Pendulum Sex Chair I got then I hear the doorbell ring and it's a bunch of douchetriscuits who want to sing at me like I'm a Burger King drive-thru speaker. Forgive me if I don't have the forty minutes to stand there awkwardly trying not to make eye contact with any of these freaks who've decided the best way to spend their time today was to sing to people that hate them. Honestly, I get that it's a nice gesture, but their time would really be better spent singing to homeless people or giving them hand jobs I don't know. Do something charitable for the sake of Christmas! This isn't charitable, it's just intrusive and odd.

Here are the top ways I like to deal with carolers:

3). Hide behind my couch until they leave.

2). Say "Sorry I'm Jewish" then slam the door in their faces.

And if they still don't get the hint that I'm not in the mood...

1). Flamethrower.

That last one is a bit drastic and can lead to jail time, but that's only if you use a full-scale flamethrower. Usually a can of Raid sprayed into a candle will do just fine.

Family Fun Holiday Challenges

It's the holiday season and that means it's time to challenge yourself with fun activities! There are many different challenges you can participate in with friends and family, here are some of my favorites:

Challenge 1: Try to get laid while wearing a big ass Christmas sweater. You know those big Bill Cosby turtleneck sweaters that come in white or red and have giant reindeer or snowmen stitched onto them? Just wear one of those and go to a nightclub and see if you can get laid or not then take the person's photo when they're passed out and compare it with those your friends and family have taken to see who met the best looking person that night.

Challenge 2: Go Christmas caroling alone. Get together with a bunch of people on a street and then break up to go off individually and sing Christmas carols to people by yourself. Then later go around to survey the people at the houses that got sang at and ask them to grade each person. Whoever has the highest aggregate grade is the winner.

Challenge 3: Get shitfaced and sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus as loud as you can at the mall before passing out face first into the wishing fountain. Best splash wins.

Challenge 4: Catch Santa Claus. Hunt him down and bag him so we finally have definitive proof he exists. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. If he is real then odds are he's immortal anyway so there's no way to really kill him and if he somehow ISN'T immortal at least Mrs. Claus can take over for him I mean why not? It's 2012, lady, get off your ass!

Those are just a few games I like to play with my family over the holidays, but the most fun is to make up your own and start your very own borderline illegal traditions that make Christmas special!

12.19.2012

Old Folgers Commercial From Time Capsule



This was the first of the old ass Folgers commercials to feature a non husband and wife pairing which was remarkable for the time. Yet another historical treat!

The WORST Baby Names of 2012

Every year America compiles a list of the most common baby names given to newborns, well here are some of the more rare and awful names given to babies this past year...


For Girls:

5). Scrumptious Delight

4). Heroin

3). Elizabethanielle

2). Stripperella

1). Pornisha




For Boys:

5). Babar

4). Prostate

3). Nipples

2). Scrumptious Delight

1). Sassy


If you have a fetus growing in your stomach the least you can do for society is not name it any of these names unless you want to be unique. I think we get too hung up on being unique these days, the Elephant Man was unique, how'd that turn out for him?

World's Oldest Person Dies at 115 Years Old

According to Guinness, the World's Oldest Person died. A 115-year-old woman from Iowa Dina Manfredini passed away on Monday after only holding the coveted title of World's Oldest for three weeks. Her granddaughter said she died in the retirement home where she had been living. Congratulations to former World's Oldest Person Dina Manfredini for living a super long life! I am saddened to hear this news, but this is also great news for the rest of us who have aging parents. This woman lived to 115-years-old in a retirement home! That means your parents can't tell you shit when they're trying to complain about you locking them in the old folks center. It's for your own good mom and dad! I want you to live as long as possible and YES I will visit you, occasionally... Sure I won't have tons of time to visit, but the longer you live the more visits you'll get and the best way for you to live long is to be in a home! Dina Manfredini did it, why the hell can't YOU!?

12.18.2012

Old Ass Commercial with Puppies



This is the first ever recorded appearance of baby dogs in American commercial television advertising. A truly amazing moment in TV history.

Ridiculous AP News Article About Gunman's Mom

Click Here for the full dumbass article
"Everybody knew her name"? Really? A "Cheers" reference? I'm sorry, but the last thing I think about when I hear news about the Connecticut elementary school shooting is Woody Harrelson. This just another example of how the news is going way too far with their coverage of these tragedies. And yes that says the word "by" TWICE on the byline. Also, it says "enlarge photo". Doesn't this picture look like it's been enlarged enough? Who needs to see this woman's face that much bigger? What the hell is the matter with these people?!

12.17.2012

Dumb News Reporting on Newtown, CT Shootings

Almost as soon as we heard about the Sandy Hook Elementary School Murders, news websites like Yahoo! were full of stories about families from Columbine and Virginia Tech and other school shootings. What is the point of this? Why are there reporters going to these old victims to ask them their thoughts? If there's another 9/11 are we going to have news reporters knocking on victims' families of the last 9/11 for their reaction? No, that'd be ridiculous. But doing that with a school massacre where a bunch of children were shot is fine apparently.

The news chooses to mention odd details like how the children of Sandy Hook were shot repeatedly. Does it really matter how many times they were shot? The fact they were shot ONCE is bad enough. After that first deadly shot nothing else matters. It's pointless to mention something like this other than to note how crazy the shooter was, but we kind of already figured that out.

The news mentions the shooter was wearing all black. I don't see why this is worth mentioning. I don't need a picture painted to put myself there. Does all black make you more menacing looking? Yeah, but so does carrying a fucking assault rifle! He could have been dressed up like Hello Kitty, that doesn't change anything.

The news goes on to mention that the killer had Aspergers or as we now know it DMDD. Then they make sure to say how people with DMDD shouldn't be generalized or linked to violence. Well if that's the case then why mention he has Asperger's to begin with? What does it matter? If it has nothing to do with what he did then why mention it? That would be like specifically pointing out his eye color or his astrological sign. The news so desperately wants to try and find some kind of motive for these killings like that's going to give us an answer where we all nod our heads and go "OH I GET IT NOW!" No. It doesn't matter if there's a motive or not. If someone shoots your kid in the face are you asking for his motive? Who gives a damn?!

We're spending a lot of time talking about gun control and gun reform, but I think the news has to look at itself in the mirror and reform some of its own shit because they're all messed up!

Absurdly Sexist Old Folgers Commercial



Folgers was always looking for new uses for their product and they must have been thrilled when Mr. McGregor figured this out.

Benefits To Being A Hoarder

A lot of people think the folks on the show "Hoarders" are crazy for living like slobs who never throw anything out or clean their house, but maybe they're smarter than they look. Hoarders are way less likely to ever have their house broken into and robbed than the average person. When a thief breaks through the front door of a hoarder's house and sees stacks of old magazines and dog shit piled up to the ceiling they really don't want to risk going in there and getting Hepatitis or Tetanus and will probably go next door to a nicer house. Hoarders tend to hoard things of absolutely no value, so even if they do have valuables somewhere in the home it will be like trying to find a needle in a mound of dead cats. Sometimes just breathing in the built up gases of decomposing materials and mold in a hoarder's home can be lethal so who really needs a gun to defend their house when they've turned it into a hellish death dungeon by simply doing no housework whatsoever? Hoarders are definitely crazy, crazy like a fox! A fox that loves being covered in dust and roaches.

Is the 5 Second Rule Really a Myth?

We've all been eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the bathroom while peeing and then sneezed and accidentally dropped the sandwich in the toilet. The question is, if you pick it out of the toilet within five seconds is it still safe to eat? Generally I've found the answer to that question to be "No". It really all depends on what you drop the food into. It would be foolish to definitively say the 5 Second Rule is true or false because it should be used in a case by case basis.

If you drop a sandwich on your kitchen floor, then go ahead and pick it up and eat it. It doesn't have to be within five seconds it could be within a week depending on what's in the sandwich. If it's peanut butter and jelly you could probably get away with waiting around 5 to 8 DAYS before picking it up and eating it. If it's a tuna salad or something with mayonnaise then I'd recommend eating it within a day. That's the kitchen floor, but what happens when you're out on the sidewalks of a city and you drop your shishkebob into a pile of dog shit? Well then it really doesn't matter if you pick it up in a MILLISECOND because once it makes contact with the shit and there's shit visibly on it, seconds don't make a difference at all.

The 5-Second Rule also depends on how expensive the food you dropped is. If you drop a Dorito in a public bathroom, you'll just let it go, it's not worth the risk. But if you drop your family's Thanksgiving turkey on the floor and the dogs start gnawing away at it you can't just throw that out. When that happens you need to dust it off, make sure there's no broken glass on it and then re-baste and pretend like nothing ever happened. There is no real 5-Second Rule, it's something you need to feel instinctively like the decision of who to have sex with or who not to have sex with. Some people have good instincts, other people who are more desperate make mistakes and those mistakes can make them very, very sick.

12.16.2012

Silly Bitch Looks Like a Damn Chicken



It's not often you find a commercial featuring a woman who looks like Foghorn goddamn Leghorn, but when you do it's a special time for everyone. What's most surprising is that the director actually played it up and highlighted the woman's odd look rather than letting it be the 800 lb. peasant in the room.

Fun Stocking Stuffer Pranks

If you're a non-stop prankster like me then you know the holidays are the best time to goof on your family. Here are the top five best stocking stuffers to prank people with:

5). Old leftover Thanksgiving turkey stuffing - Still have stuffing from Turkey Day? Let it relive the glory of being jammed into an orifice by packing it into your grandmother's dusty old stocking, don't forget to lubricate it with gravy.

4). Used dildos - You're going to want to probably use dildos used by someone other than yourself, preferably out of the family if you are pranking family members, otherwise it could get borderline awkward real fast.

3). Gerbil fetuses - Nothing beats the cold, moist, wet feeling of gerbil fetuses in your hand for good old fashioned tactile prank. 

2). Pubic dandruff - The best is when the person being pranked thinks it's fake snow.

1). Mayonnaise - When the person finds the mayonnaise it's best to run in and start singing that Christmas song "White Christmas" with the part that goes "Mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise be merry and briiiiight!"

There you have it! Try one or try them ALL! You're guaranteed a great holiday packed with fun!

Are Concussions Really The Problem in the NFL?

When talking about NFL player safety the biggest issue is always concussions, but quarterbacks are the most frequently concussed players and they always end up doing well after retirement. Retired quarterbacks who have had countless concussions throughout their careers are all over television, from Terry Bradshaw and Dan Marino to Steve Young and Boomer Esiason. All the retired quarterbacks are pretty much healthy. Brett Favre started sending people dick pics, but aside from that quarterbacks are never subject to the lasting damage of a concussion.

The retired players who have their lives ruined by football injuries tend to be linebackers and safeties which leads me to believe the problem isn't as clear cut as concussions, but might be due to consistent brain trauma coming from the frequent hits and tackles that are seen as routine in a football game. Quarterbacks rarely get hit aside from the occasional sack and concussion, but a player that's getting hit all the time to a lesser extent probably has their brain damaged more severely by the end of their career. Everyone's focusing so much on limiting the big hits that cause concussions, but maybe people's lives are being ruined because of the general nature of the game and that's something that can't and shouldn't be changed so people need to deal with that.

12.15.2012

Do Ghosts Fart?

It's a question as old as time, can ghosts fart? I was sitting in a room alone today and all of a sudden I smelled a fart, but I know for a fact I didn't release any gas. So if I didn't then who did? You know when you've farted, even it's one of those farts where the buttcheeks aren't touching each other so there's no reverberation or friction, you can still feel the gas exiting the anal sphincter. Are these ghost farts definitive proof that ghosts exist? Or is the body capable of producing phantom farts that are incapable of being detected by the person producing them?

Update: There's apparently a gas leak in my living room and I've been advised to evacuate until further notice. But this doesn't close the book on this question yet! The mystery continues... God help anyone if I become a ghost, I will be farting all the time just to prove I'm there and maybe someone will finally unlock the truth.

Overdone News Coverage of School Shootings

It's obvious that since Columbine, the news coverage of mass shootings has always been overdone and the number of shootings has risen steadily. Guns haven't gotten worse since then so why is this happening more often? The only thing that has gotten worse is the news coverage. News reporting of mass shootings has become progressively more detailed and more probing which is good for the news, but not for society. We have this idea that the more news time a story gets the more important it is. I don't need five months of coverage about the Connecticut elementary school shooting to tell me that it was a horrific event. But because the news shows a single person being killed one night as its feature story they think it's disrespectful to give any less attention to a mass shooting tragedy. Just report on this shit and let people know about it, but don't dissect and examine it under a microscope. The genocides that occur overseas are immense human tragedy involving loads of murdered children, but the news doesn't feel the need to dig into every killers' past there. Why here?

After every mass shooting literally nothing is done or can be done to prevent another, so all we can do is wait for the next one to happen like an earthquake. Reporting human tragedy is the job of the news, but interviewing children and digging into the killer's past to figure out why he did it is too much. Even if their intent is not to deify the shooter, the attention paid automatically makes him a subconscious icon to potential copycat lunatics. I really don't give a fuck where the killer came from, who his parents were, or what his motive was. Haven't we figured out that some people are just insane and frustrated with their lives so they think the best idea is to kill a lot of people and then themselves? Because if we haven't then it's about time that sinks in. The news always talks about "senseless" school shootings like there's such thing as a sensible one. There isn't. The news media needs to stop trying to find the sense in lunacy and stop validating these events and making them attractive playbooks to future killers.

Public Bathroom Worst Case Scenario


Is there anything worse than having to crap in a public bathroom? Well maybe genocide, but it's a close second.

What if Santa Was a Woman?

It's the holiday season and that means questioning Santa's sexuality and gender. A lot of people have been asking me lately if I think Santa could be a woman. That's an interesting question. I think more people have entertained the thought of God as a woman than Santa Claus being a woman. There's never really been a substantiated eyewitness sighting of the REAL Santa Claus so it very well might be a woman and we'd never even know. Here's what we DO know:

- Santa loves children.

- Santa loves stockings.

- Santa has breasts.

- Santa has rosy red cheeks that may be applied with makeup.

Those are all very feminine traits, but the kicker for me is that Santa eats all those cookies and milk then disappears for a whole year, the way an actual woman might if she was experiencing severe grief and guilt from that level of binge eating. So is Santa a woman? I don't know. I'm saying there's a chance and until someone brings me the body of this Santa Claus so we can have it examined and dissected then no one will truly know for sure so let the speculation continue!

Creative Christmas Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Every year Santa Claus comes by and "stuffs your stocking" while you're sleeping, but sometimes he won't if you've been very naughty or your stocking is too dirty. If you're one of these filthy stocking naughty people you'll have to stuff your own stocking for Christmas. Most people usually stuff stockings with the same old shit, candy canes, Penthouse Magazine, carnival cruise tickets, morning after pills, etc. But to make this year's Christmas unforgettable you're going to want to step it up to the next level.

First off, make sure to fasten your stockings well. The last thing you want is that sucker falling into the fireplace and having the lithium ion battery in the iPod you put in there to explode and set the Christmas tree on fire which then engulfs your entire home in a yuletide inferno killing everyone from carbon monoxide and smoke inhalation in their sleep.

One of my favorite things to do with stockings is put a bag of cookies and milk in there so it's fun for Santa. He looks around on the table for the C n' M and thinks you forgot, then he goes to peek in your stocking and is shocked to find it in there. It's surely a thrill for that jolly bastard and isn't it about time we start giving back to Santa whenever possible for all the good that he does?

Another thing you can do is stuff a person's stocking with a slightly smaller stocking and inside that smaller stocking an even smaller stocking and so on like Russian dolls until there's a tiny doll sock with a ring in there. That's a much better way to propose than putting it in their coffee cake or up their butt when they're sleeping or any of that stupid Hollywood BS.

And my favorite stocking stuffer prank is to fill the stockings with egg nog then wake everyone up by screaming "SANTA CAME IN THE STOCKINGS!" That always gets a laugh at my house, not so much at the neighbors', but I think they're Jewish so that might have something to do with it.

12.14.2012

Creepy Cracker Jack From The Olden Times


The creepiest thing about this commercial is how they knew about Jerry Sandusky. How far back does this scandal go?

Fun Alternatives To Getting A Flu Shot

Tis the season to be jabbed with a syringe by some weirdo at a CVS so you don't get a horrible virus that causes wretched vomiting and life threatening fever. If you're like me you hate getting a flu shot and you're always looking for an alternative way to innoculate yourself from influenza and other dangerous illnesses. One great alternative to a flu shot is simply tongue kissing your local hobo. This acts basically just like a flu shot except it's 100% FREE AND it also technically counts as charity if you're a good kisser. Yes there is a chance you will contract throat Syphilis or mouth Herpes, but if you get Syphilis then at least it's flu season so everyone will just think you have a cold, and as far as herpes goes, something like 1 out of 3 people has Herpes and most of us don't even know it so it's fine.

The next best alternative to getting a flu shot is also completely free. The next time you're in a public bathroom just take a quick lick of the floor right in front of the sinks. Don't baste the tiles with your tongue, but give a quick dab, that's all you need to expose your immune system to a MULTITUDE of diseases and viruses. The cornucopia of illnesses will then show themselves to your body and give it a chance to combat them in small doses making you effectivly invincible for up to five years,

Some people criticize my methods, they say they're dangerous and disgusting, but there's a slight chance a flu shot can kill you. Who has ever heard of anyone dying after French kissing a hobo or licking a gas station bathroom floor? That's what I thought...


Is Laughter Really The BEST Medicine?

Everyone knows the old saying "Laughter is the best medicine" and while laughter has been proven to help people heal and recover from pain, it isn't the BEST medicine. If laughter was the best medicine why doesn't my doctor prescribe me a video of a midget on a tricycle, or better yet bring a mime into the room and punch him in the nuts? Sometimes laughter isn't an effective medicine AT ALL, like in the case you have some sort of oral injury like lets say you accidentally bit too hard on a steel dildo and broke all your teeth. Laughter would be detrimental to recovery in that case. If you have gangrene in your leg then the best medicine would probably be more along the lines of morphine and a bonesaw. When you're on the operation table being put under, the last thing you want to hear is everyone in the room laughing hysterically. Laughter is not the BEST medicine. That is a misleading statement that needs to be revised for future use. I think a phrase like "Sometimes funny helps" would be more accurate.

12.13.2012

Rejected Drug Free America PSA


There were a few takes of this famous ad and this is one that didn't make it. Ultimately they decided on the "I learned it from you" line which is ridiculous. Why didn't he learn how to get a job by watching his father? How about some accountability for your own actions, kid?

The BEST Way To Cure The Hiccups

People are always bragging about how they know the best way to stop the hiccups, then you try their way and it never works, well I've got the REAL way to stop the hiccups and it works every single time without fail. First, stuff your nostrils with peanut butter. Then take a substantially sized dildo and put it in your butt. It is most likely that the sensory overload these actions create will distract your entire central nervous system from the hiccups and allow the diaphragm to relax long enough for the spasms causing the hiccups to stop. This is partially where the old wives' tale about scaring someone with the hiccups, except a brief scare is often not enough, but a dildo in the ass will always do the trick. The only question is, how bad do you want your hiccups gone? Note: If you frequently put dildos in your ass and have lost your anal gag reflex this method may not work as described, it definitely needs to be shock. But then again, if you're no stranger to things up your ass on a near constant basis, odds are you've got bigger problems than the occasional case of hiccups.

Why Does Santa Give Naughty People Coal?

Everyone knows that if you're naughty then Santa will bring you a lump of coal for Christmas. Since the beginning of Christmas, serial killers and assholes all over the world have awoken to a big lump of coal in their stocking. I've always wondered why Santa chose coal, especially since it's a useful item for some people.

What if you've been really naughty and happen to have a coal powered generator in your house? Do you still get coal or would Santa give you something you can't use like reindeer cum? Where does Santa get his coal? Is there a lot of coal at the North Pole? It probably would be easier for him to just procure reindeer semen, but then again that might tire the reindeer out, so I can see why he doesn't do that. I think if I were Santa instead of giving coal to naughty people I would just dump pour the glass of milk they left for me on top of their heads while they're sleeping. Then they have to spend their Christmas day washing their sheets so they don't end up smelling like spoiled dairy. Doing laundry on Christmas is WAY worse than coal. Think about it Santa, think about it!


12.12.2012

Crazy Banned Milk Commercial


Why does milk even bother advertising itself? Who sees a commercial for milk and goes "Hey, maybe I should try that product!" Either you suck cows titties already or you never will.

12/12/12: What Does It Mean?

Everyone's going crazy because the date is 12/12/12. Wow that's a lot of 12's! THREE OF THEM! I'm scared! It is mildly interesting when you see things like that, but most people neglect to realize that the year is 2012 so there's a 20 in there we just choose to ignore for convenience. Could you imagine how people would be reacting if it was 12/12/1212? I wonder how the people on that day felt. Odds are they didn't give a shit at all. Twelve isn't even a good number! Whose lucky number is 12? 12 is not even in the top 10 symbolic numbers of all time. And what pisses me off is these people who think the Mayan apocalypse is coming on 12/12/12. It's 12/21/12, jackass! Get your story straight! But 12/12/12 means nothing. If you're going to just ignore the 20 in 2012 then why not be blown away when it's 10/01/2001? That's three 1's and four 0's! Creepy! Were people going nuts on 02/02/2002? I don't recall that. If someone said "Hey 2/2/2!" you would spinning heel kick them in the eye socket because that's stupid.

Scientists Create Human Brain Cells From Piss

It may be true that when you drink too much alcohol you are LITERALLY pissing away brain cells, well sort of. The number one science news story is that researchers in China have successfully been able to create brain cells from human urine. The way it works is pee tends to have skin cells in it that scrape off from the kidneys. These kidney cells are then used for science magic to make brains. This is a huge deal because it could be used to treat Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, circumventing the need for controversial fetus stem cells. One thing is for sure, no one is against using piss to make new cerebellums. No one can argue that there's life in pee pee. My question is, how long were these researchers experimenting with pee? Wouldn't it be great if it started with one creepy scientist examining someone's urine for fun when he found skin cells? Brings a whole new meaning to the term "science whiz".

12.11.2012

Stupid Ass FedEx Commercial




FedEx was criticized heavily for this ad in part because it was to said to have inspired dozens of instances of people mailing children and midgets for the holiday season. Here's a friendly reminder to not mail midgets or children unless you've included sufficient oxygen and packing peanuts.