The Top 10 Vegetables and Fruits That Can Be Substituted For Dildos

Look we've all been in the grocery store picking up a couple boxes of Lucky Charms and a Sharpie to write a suicide note on your own stomach when you run into your ex-wife in the produce section and decide to try and give it one more shot. She suggests you two try out having romance with food involved and so you look around for various edible plants that can be used in lieu of a dildo because you sold your collection about two weeks earlier to pay for rent. This can be a very confusing event, but this list ought to help you out.

10). Watermelon

If you or your wife have recently birthed a child, watermelon may be a suitable choice for a fruit dildo. It's not generally ideal, but for bigger women you're going to want to give the ol' watermelon a looksie. Just watch out for those pesky seeds.

9). Celery.

Not many people choose celery when considering produce dildos, but the flexibility makes up for the awkward "U" shape and of course it's great with buffalo sauce.

8). Carrot

Carrots can be a controversial dildo choice considering the point at the front and the rough stem at the end, but it's been a classic for centuries and improves your eyesight. Women who are pleasuring themselves alone should opt for the carrot to help reduce the famous negative vision effects of masturbation.

7). Asparagus

Asparagus of course has the bushy tip at the end which most women find a nice touch. Some dildo companies have even tried incorporating that asparagus tip into their products, but for the life of them they cannot find away to adequately reproduce the texture and keep it sturdy enough to last through repeated uses.

6). Potato.

The cool thing about using a potato as a dildo is if you work it fast enough the car will start to smell like french fries. Just make sure you wash them off well prior to, otherwise the dirt can pose a health hazard.

5). Butternut Squash.

Some people are made to feel uncomfortable by the fact the butternut squash looks like it has a nutsack, and I am one of those people, but it has too many supporters to not make it onto this list.

4). Eggplant

For larger people who require a little bit more, yet not as much as a watermelon, the eggplant is a great choice. The only thing keeping the eggplant from being number one is the softer flesh and the fact that it can break open and spill thousands of seeds everywhere which looks creepy as hell.

3). Banana

A classic.When most people think fruit dildos they think bananas because of their iconic status and high potassium content. The only negative to bananas is the stem which is almost impossible to get around. Even if you use the other side there's still a knub on there that can cause irritation and discomfort.

2). Cucumber.

A lot of people were mad at me for not making the cucumber number one and while I agree it is one of the greatest grocery store dildo options, there is a slightly better choice.

1). Zucchini

You might be sitting there thinking "But aren't zucchini and cucumber the same?" NO! Zucchinis have a leathery texture and hold less water than a cucumber giving them a better solid structure. Of course, this is all a matter of preference, feel free to pick up both and try them out for yourself. I guess it's like Cats vs. Dogs, everyone has a preference and there's no real objective answer out there.

Isn't it amazingly disturbing how many fruits and vegetables are shaped like dildos? It's almost as if it's some kind of prank is being played on us all. Well, you know what they say, laugh at yourself first before anyone else can. And save tons of money on your monthly dildo budget by just going to the local farmers market!


  1. What? No Cumquats?

  2. Ive used zucchini and it was great, its much smoother than a cucumber. Ive used a squash and eggplant as well, as long as they are clean they are great.