2.28.2014

The Top 5 Things You CAN’T Donate To Charity

It’s important to give to charity, even if you don’t have money you still have organs which are worth more than you think. Because the phrase “Beggars can’t be choosers” is apparently false, there are many things you can’t donate. Here are the top 5:

5. Ears
There’s a popular saying “Lend me your ear” but that’s not something you can literally do. Most places that take organ donations will not accept a severed human ear. Sorry, Van Gogh.

Who doesn't want to give someone the gift of hearing?

4. Nose
Perhaps you’ve seen internet videos of people who have no nose after a horrible accident ruined their face. You might have wanted to help these people by giving them part of or all of your nose. Sadly, nose transplants aren’t a perfect science quite yet.

Some people have two helpings or more of nose. Why can't they donate?

3. Lips
Have you ever seen a commercial with those foreign children who have cleft lips? Haven’t you ever wondered if you could have part of your own lips cut off and donated to them? No? Well good because it’s not possible.

Some people have really messed up lips.

2. Teeth
There are a lot of people out there who don’t have teeth. Fortunately for them there are dentures which eliminate the need for actual human teeth transplants. And nothing creeps a doctor out more than when you come to a hospital holding a bag of teeth asking where you can donate them.

Dentures can never replace the feeling of having a real tooth in your gums.

1. Bones
Sure you can donate bone marrow, but what about the whole bone? Sadly this isn’t possible. Perhaps one day it will be possible for you to donate your entire skeleton to someone in need, but for right now just take care of it and wait patiently.

It takes a true hero to donate their entire skeleton to the needy. Sadly, most doctors won't allow it.

Dumbass Sayings: “Nothing To Sneeze At”

Air is nothing to sneeze at.
When a woman gives you a dollar to stop talking to her at a party someone might see that and say “Hey that’s nothing to sneeze at!” When something is “Nothing to sneeze at” that means it IS something. Apparently you can only sneeze at worthless things. This saying is wrong though because sneezing is pretty much an involuntary action. You can’t choose what to sneeze at therefore anything can be sneezed at whether it’s a penny, a dollar, or a million dollars. If you have bad allergies then everything is something to sneeze at. Now if this saying was “Nothing to blow your nose at” or “Nothing to spit at” that would make sense. If someone blows their nose on you or spits at you that’s a bit more offensive than being sneezed on. Sure the person sneezing should have turned their head away, but mistakes happen. When someone blows their nose on you or spits in your face that’s done on purpose. They mean to tell you you’re dirt to them. Sneezing isn’t a strong enough action to warrant being the star of its own saying.

Dumbass Sayings: “Rule Of Thumb”

It's a good rule of thumb to
never hitchhike.
When people refer to a “rule of thumb” they usually say something like “It’s a good rule of thumb to never shit your pants on a roller coaster that has a lot of loop de loops.” So a “rule of thumb” is basically just a rule. Why is it “of thumb”? What does this have to do with thumbs? The answer is no one really knows. There are a few theories that have to deal with things like tailors using their thumbs to measure cloth, but none of that really make sense in the way the phrase is used.

If you’re going to talk about “rules of thumb” they had better actually be about thumbs. Here are some good actual rules of thumb that everyone should follow:

1. Turning it upward means “good”.
2. Turning it downward means “bad”.
3. Don’t put it in your ass.

Those are the only rules of thumb anyone needs to know. Any other rule you have is just a plain normal rule. Let’s stop including thumbs where they’re not needed (that includes your ass).

The Top 5 Most Dangerous Sports For Children To Play Other Than Football

These days there’s a lot of controversy over whether or not parents should allow their children to play football when there is such a high risk for concussions. But football is child’s play compared to some other sports. Here are the top 5 sports you should never let your children play:

5. Snowmobile
It seems like snowmobiling is one of the most dangerous sports around. Nearly every year at the X-Games some guy dies in a snowmobile event. That’s the world’s best snowmobilers competing and even they flip and land on their necks. Probably not a good idea to let your little one on one of those snowy death machines.

Photo from the first Winter X Games.

4. Skeleton
Some people argue that the feet first luge is more dangerous than skeleton because of the faster speeds, but with skeleton you’re going head first so it doesn’t take a lot of speed to prevent your child from ever going to college. Risking your child’s legs is one thing, but the brain should be sacred.

Why even bother wearing a helmet?

3. Boxing
Boxing is a great way to build strength and character. Unfortunately it’s also a great way to get Alzheimer’s and other mental disorders. You’ll probably also find that it’s difficult to find opponents for your child since most parents don’t get their kids into boxing until the teenage years.

Unless you want to raise Muhammad Ali, keep your kids out of the ring.

2. NASCAR
If you’re a NASCAR fan and have a kid you’re probably facing a difficult conundrum. How can you figure out if your son or daughter is the next great NASCAR star? Well the only real way to find out is to put them behind the wheel of an actual car and as we all know that’s not only illegal but insanely dangerous. Sure you can let them ride go-carts, but that’s not even close to replicating the skills it takes to drive a real NASCAR vehicle.

NASCAR used to be a lot safer.

1. MMA
Mixed Martial Arts is more dangerous than boxing because it allows for the breaking of bones and purposeful tearing of ligaments. It’s the sport of the future and everyone wants their kid to get in on the ground floor, but the risks are just too severe. Plus there’s the legal issue of hosting toddler fight clubs in your basement. Big mistake.

Does this look like something you want your kids doing?

Hopefully this list puts football in perspective. Sure it may not be the safest sport, but there are far worse sports out there. The NFL is also working hard to make the game safer. Who knows, one day football may not be a contact sport at all. Then all children will be able to play football, but MMA will always feature spinning kicks to the side of the head.

Why Is Flappy Bird So Popular?

You'd have to be a bird brain
to get obsessed with Flappy Bird.
By now everyone has heard of the phone game “Flappy Bird” where you tap the screen to make a bird flap upward to avoid hitting green Mario pipes. Scientists everywhere have been trying to figure out how this game has become such a phenomenon. They’re wondering how so many people can be enthralled by such an idiotic and simple concept.

Some scientists have posited that the game stimulates the same part of the brain as gambling. They think the innate human need to improve on past high scores makes the action of tapping a screen to make a bird move upward very addictive. I think they’re giving people too much credit. It’s 2014 and most people are morons. Once you grasp that, the success of Flappy Bird should not surprise you.

Flappy Birds became a success for the same reason Angry Birds was a hit. People are obsessed with birds. How else could you explain this:


Clearly something is wrong with people. I think we might be turning into cats. That would also explain why we watch so many cat videos online. That’s probably what cats would do all day if they were human, along with working at those factories where baby chickens are ground up into nugget meat. It won’t be long until we’re shitting in boxes of sand and eating bacon flavored Meow Mix. With this realization, I think it’s obvious that the next great smartphone game will be something called “Angry Flappy Bird” or maybe something like “Lick Your Own Butthole.”

Dumbass Sayings: “Whatever Floats Your Boat”

Ice isn't one of the things that floats
people's boats.
When you tell someone you like to roll around on a bed of nails while rubbing cottage cheese on your nipples, usually they’ll say “Whatever floats your boat!” This is basically just another way of saying “Okaaaayyy…” A more sensible saying would be “Whatever car you want to drive!” There are millions of cars in the world so that’s a real choice a person can make. There is no choice when it comes to what floats a boat. Water is the only thing that floats a boat. This saying doesn’t make sense.

You can’t float a boat in jello and dead hookers. I mean technically you could, but that would take a lot of dead hookers. I doubt that’s what people think when they use this saying. When you see someone with a dead hooker covered in jello, the last thing you should say is “Whatever floats your boat!” If someone’s showing a sick desire and passion for anything other than water, this saying doesn’t apply.

Is Sugar Really Eight Times More Addictive Than Cocaine?

This is the good shit right here!
A recent scientific study has said that sugar is eight times more addictive than Cocaine. I’m not sure what this is supposed to prove. Are they saying sugar is more dangerous than Cocaine? If I read this study and I’m not addicted to sugar I might think “Wow, if I can’t get addicted to sugar then Cocaine would be a breeze!” Then I’d start taking loads of Cocaine and ruin my life. Cocaine is still worse than sugar. Sugar is only seen as more addictive because it’s everywhere. Everything you eat has sugar in it so of course you’re seen as “Addicted” to it. If Cocaine was as ubiquitous as sugar the world would be on fire right now and we would all kill each other in a collective crazed madness.

Saying sugar is eight times more addictive than Cocaine means nothing. You could tell me that cheese is 785,000 times more addictive than wool. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop eating cheese. The only thing we learn from this study is that the original Coca-Cola that had real cocaine in it must have been the most addictive substance known to man since it had sugar, caffeine, AND cocaine in it.

Dumbass Sayings: “Busier Than A One Legged Man In An Ass Kicking Contest”

Look at how busy this guy is.
When a person is really busy they might say “I’m busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.”  The idea here is that a man with only one leg would constantly be falling down when he went to kick another person in the ass. Now while that’s a silly visual, it’s completely flawed and nonsensical. A person missing one of their legs would obviously have either a prosthetic limb, a crutch, or even a cane to lean on as they went around kicking asses. With one of these aids they would be as busy as someone with two legs, no more, no less. Then of course there’s the possibility that a one legged man could have had a special motorized prosthetic leg installed that is designed specially to kick mechanically and then swing back and forth without any exertion on the part of the wearer. If this is the case then the one legged man wouldn’t be very busy at all. He could actually do crossword puzzles or check his emails while the robot leg was kicking away. If someone has lost a leg chances are they’re pretty tough so it would be wise not to underestimate them.

The Top 5 Jobs Where Men Are Discriminated Against

Women like to talk about how they’re discriminated against in the workplace and the business world is a sexist male driven pigfest, but men experience discrimination in the workplace too! Sure, not as frequently as women and not in as many jobs, but there are are jobs that men can’t even get because they’re dominated by women. Here are the top 5 toughest jobs for a man:

5. Cashier
For some reason most cashiers in America are women. Whenever you see a male cashier at a grocery store or CVS it’s just weird. I think it may have to do with store managers being perverts and hey that’s not all good news for women, but at least they get the job while a man doesn’t.

Men can handle and manage money just as well as women!

4. Cheerleader
If you’re a female cheerleader you’ve got a lot of options in life. Primarily, becoming an NFL cheerleader and practicing your talents on the grandest stage of all cheerleadering. But what does a male cheerleader do? Nothing. They don’t even get to be in the NFL. That’s how discriminatory cheerleading is for men. There’s no way for a man to really make a living in that sexist industry.

Pretty hard to be a cheerleader when you have no feet too.

3. Nurse
The classic “hilarious” job for a man to have has always been nurse. Nurses are traditionally women, but there are plenty of male nurses out there who have to deal with jokes and snide remarks on a near daily basis. We all know nurses are just people who want to be in medicine but can’t be doctors for one reason or another, well why is that exclusive to women? It shouldn’t be!

Well that kinda looks like a man, but it wasn't.

2. Babysitter
Male babysitters are fairly rare because of the sexist bias that people have against them. While it’s statistically true that most child molesters are men, you can’t just assume a man is a child molester because he wants to raise some money by babysitting. I mean it’s likely, but still. It’s wrong to assume like that. Just do your research as you would for any babysitter and stop discriminating!

For some reason people are more comfortable with their kid sitting on the lap of a strange woman than a strange man leaving honest non-molester male babysitters shit out of luck.

1. Maid
The number one worst job for male discrimination has to be maid. Do male maids even exist? When people hire male maids they call them “butlers”. How offensive is that! Imagine if you hired a woman to be a salesperson, but then called them something completely different just because they were a woman. That’s classic sexism, folks. Maybe a guy who’s really good at cleaning in this tough economy wants to get a job as a maid. There’s a good chance he’ll never find a job unless he disguises who he is like “Mrs. Doubtfire”. Is that fair? I don’t think so.

Being a maid is hard enough without being hated on for being a man wearing a bonnet.

Dumbass Sayings: “The Customer Is Always Right”

But just because you're right
doesn't mean people will listen to you.
This IS America.
Perhaps the most idiotic yet widely spoken saying is “The customer is always right”. Everyone knows it’s bullshit yet it’s still a saying that most businesses utilize to enhance customer service. It’s such a dumb saying that even businesses who say it don’t really believe it. If the customer was always right then someone could come into the store claiming they deserve free stuff or that the business is terrible and should be shut down. A customer would be able to walk in naked and get service if they think that all people should be nude. The customer could demand that all the employees take their clothes off and join him in the freedom of nudity. However when I do this, I am not only asked to leave, but I am never allowed back to that Dunkin Donuts again. So guess what? The customer isn’t ALWAYS right. The customer is right under “reasonable circumstances”. The problem is that EVERYONE is right under reasonable circumstances. This saying is completely worthless and should be erased from all usage to avoid confusion.

2.26.2014

The Top 5 Worst Bedroom Role Playing Costumes

Sometimes you have to mix it up in the bedroom to keep yourself from cheating. When you reach that point in a relationship it’s important to know which costumes to avoid. Here are 5 characters you never want to role play as in the bedroom:


5. Astronaut
For whatever reason, astronauts aren’t really seen as sexy. Maybe it was that crazy lady astronaut who wore diapers, or maybe it’s just America’s general apathy towards space exploration. Add that to the cost of a replica astronaut suit and the fact that it’s damn near impossible to have intercourse in one and that makes dressing like an astronaut in bed a bad idea.

Sex in an astronaut suit is basically like wearing a full body condom.

4. Hobo
Speaking of not sexy, that would bring us to hobos. Now maybe you’re someone who finds hobos attractive. If that’s the case I would actually recommend doing the charitable act of having sex with a genuine hobo. Invite them to stay with you and you can both live happily. Let your current spouse or significant other find someone else if it means getting another human being off the streets.

I'm just a hobo looking for a place to put his bindle.

3. Clown
This is a controversial one because some people really do find clowns hot. The problem however lies in the makeup. If you’ve ever banged a clown before you know it’s a bitch to get all the makeup stains out of you pillows and sheets.

Watch out, ladies!

2. Leatherface from “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”
Most people find this costume pretty exciting, but that mostly has to do with the chainsaw. It’s never a good idea to have a live chainsaw in the bed with you. That’s obviously inviting a horrible medical emergency.

Anything that can cut stone should be kept away from all genitals.

1. Zombie
Technically having sex with a zombie is necrophilia which is illegal. Now if you’ve got some urge to bone a dead person then making love to someone dressed like a zombie is the best route. However, I would recommend therapy of some kind because it’s not what society deems an acceptable problem.

Who wouldn't want to be a part of this orgy?!

Dumbass Sayings: “Don’t Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It’s Raining”

It's a leg not a piss bullseye.
Sometimes people say “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” This is a saying that basically means “Don’t lie to me.” What’s so difficult about saying “Don’t lie”? Why do we have to involve watersports in this? If anything, this saying should be replace with just “Don’t pee on my leg.” The end. We don’t have to add anything onto that sentence. There’s really never a scenario where someone should be urinating on your leg. Even if you get stung by a jellyfish, studies have shown that peeing on a jellyfish sting is a myth and doesn’t work at all. And why does what a person says while peeing on your leg matter? If they’re peeing on your leg that should be bad enough. Nothing they say can either hurt or improve the situation. They can say “It’s raining!” or they can say “I’m really sorry about this.” At the end of the day, someone just peed on your leg. I mean maybe if they said “I’m your real father and I have the documentation to prove it” THAT might be a little bit worse to say. That would be very messed up. But “It’s raining!”? Who cares if someone says that while they’re peeing on you? Technically it’s not really a lie. It is raining. It’s raining urine. Instead of a cloud, it’s coming out of someone’s urethra. This is just a really flawed saying and it needs to stop.

The Top 5 Worst Places To Go On A First Date

A first date is perhaps the most important moment of any relationship. It’s what sets the tone for every subsequent meeting. A bad first date can spoil even the most compatible connection and a good one can help create more love. I can’t tell you where to go for a great first date, but here are the top five places you should definitely NOT choose:

5. Male Strip Club
Taking a woman to a strip club in general is a bad idea. On a first date, it’s even worse. And taking them to a male strip club is the worst of the worst. Why would you do this? You don’t need her seeing all these other guy’s naked before you try to sleep with her. Then she sees you strip and it’s a total let down for her. Horrible move.

You're trying to eliminate your competition, not increase it.

4. Brothel
Unless the woman you’re dating is a prostitute, it’s not a good idea to bring her to a brothel. Most women don’t like to even kiss on a first date let alone have sex, let alone go in 50/50 for a threeway with a random hooker. Of course if by some chance you do find a woman who will do this, marry her immediately.

Looks fun enough, until everyone gets Gonorrhea.

3. Meth lab
Meth labs aren’t as much fun as TV portrays them to be. You might be dating a big “Breaking Bad” fan who’s never been to a real live meth lab before, but it’s not worth the risk of being burned alive in a giant explosion.

Crystal Meth might look a little like diamonds, but they aren't a girl's best friend.

2. Funeral
Some women find funerals romantic, though those women are usually very creepy. A lot of times they think they’re real vampires which is a red flag. If a woman suggests you go to a funeral for a first date I would be worried. Unless being around a stiff makes you stiff, avoid funerals at all costs. Plus, the food isn’t great.

The only one who's getting laid is the corpse into the hole.

1. Crack house
You may have seen crack houses on TV just like meth labs, but crack houses are one step below both meth labs and heroin dens. They’re not all they’re cracked up to be. You get a lot of dangerous characters in a crack house. A first date should never end up with you being shanked by a hobo.

There's no Lady and the Tramp scenario where you can both smoke a crack pipe and have your lips meet in the middle.

Dumbass Sayings: “Kicking Ass And Taking Names”

Always carry around a pen and
clipboard in case you need to
kick ass and take names.
Sometimes you’ll hear someone use the phrase “Kicking ass and taking names” to mean being tough or beating people up. The problem with this phrase is it only half makes sense. If you’re going around assaulting people that’s called “Kicking ass” but who really “Takes names”? When you finish pummelling someone’s buttocks with your foot do you stop and write their name down in a ledger? No! You run and get the hell out of there before the cops show up.

Taking names is a completely unnecessary step during the process of kicking asses. Odds are if you stop to take names eventually the police will arrive to not only take YOUR name, but take your ass to a holding cell. Plus, what are the odds the person you just beat up gives you their real name? Why would anyone do that? If someone kicks your ass, don’t give them your name. You’re only inviting future abuse into your life.

The only time this saying should actually be used is if you’re collecting signatures for a petition and influencing people to sign by physically assaulting them. Then and only then would this make a damn bit of sense.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is The First World Trade Center Attack Being Overshadowed By 9/11?”

Don't forget it!
Dear McFartnuggets: “Today is the 21st anniversary of the 1993 World Trade Center attack. Did you know that? I can’t help, but feel that it’s been overshadowed by 9/11. For starters it’s not called 2/26. It’s just called the “1993 World Trade Center attack”. They do read the victims names and have a memorial at Ground Zero, but is it really enough?” -- Carter from Philadelphia

Dear Carter:
To be honest, I didn’t know it was the anniversary and I apologize for that. I’m not going to argue about how tragic the events of the 1993 WTC bombing were, but they do certainly pale in comparison to 9/11. Six people died on “2/26” and while those losses are just as painful to their families, 2,977 people died on 9/11. Objectively speaking 9/11 was a tad worse. I’m not taking anything away from those who were lost in the first bombing, but as you noted, it’s called the 1993 bombings and not 2/26. 9/11 was absolutely unprecedented for everyone that’s why it gets that special abbreviation. Not even Pearl Harbor is called 12/7.

Another reason 9/11 overshadows the 1993 bombing is because it has the slogan “Never Forget”. The 1993 bombings didn’t have a slogan or catchphrase. It’d be nice if they could share the “Never Forget” phrase, but if you include the 1993 bombing then you have to include all the other attacks that have ever happened and I sincerely doubt people have the brain capacity to retain all of that. We can be asked to never forget 9/11, but anything more than that is pushing it. If we start never forgetting 2/26 then that might push other memories out of our heads. As time goes on and more history accumulates it gets pretty hard to remember everything. It’s not personal, it’s just science.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

2.25.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come Sometimes I Go To Sleep Hungry And Wake Up Not Hungry?”

That's about 2,000 calories right there!
Dear McFartnuggets:
How come sometimes I will go to sleep with an empty stomach really hungry and when I wake up I’m not hungry anymore? It’s so weird. What is going on there? -- Nancy from Valdosta, Georgia

Dear Nancy:
I too have experienced this and I think the answer may be very disturbing to you. One morning I woke up completely full after going to bed with my stomach growling. Then as I walked to the bathroom to take my morning dump I saw a giant spider web in the corner of my bedroom floor. The spider that normally lived there was gone. I never saw him after that so I can only assume the sucker crawled into my mouth while I was sleeping and I ate him.

Sure it’s gross and likely an additional cause of morning breath, but it’s harmless. The way I see it, it gets rid of a pest and cures your hunger. As long as I’m not conscious to experience it fully then that’s fine in my book. If this really creeps you out you might want to take a look around for spider webs, loose crickets, praying mantises, house centipedes, etc. Anything that might crawl into your mouth in the middle of the night in a horrific manner. These are likely your unknown midnight snacks. Thanks for the question and sleep tight!

Send all your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com I’m here to help you!

5 Things You Should NEVER Let Your Baby Do

There are certain activities babies
just weren't made to handle.
There are things that adults do in their daily lives that babies should never do. It’s important to recognize these things so you don’t accidentally include a baby in your activities and cause serious damage to them that can negatively affect their development. Here are the top 5 everyday things babies shouldn’t do aside from the obvious like driving or smoking:

5. Wear glasses
Some people who have babies with poor vision have special infant prescription glasses made for them, but really, it’s a baby. How important is razor sharp vision? Let the kid’s eyes develop a little before you start slapping goggles to their face.

4. Ride roller coasters
Most babies will not fit properly in a roller coaster seat and the safety belt will have too much slack. Even if you hold them in your lap it’s still not safe especially if you’re on one with a lot of loop de loops and your baby drools a lot. And even IF you manage to hold on to your slippery baby on all those spirals and turns, doctors don’t yet know the negative impact such forces can have on a developing brain. Don’t risk it. Leave the baby off the coaster.
3. Ski
It’s a shame skiing is so dangerous. It’s not like golf or basketball where you can get a kid started off really early to help groom them into a star athlete. If you put a baby on a ski slope that’s not grooming a child prodigy, that’s child endangerment.

2. Crowd surf
Some parents despite all common sense like to bring their babies to rock concerts. If you must bring a baby to a concert, please give it ear plugs and for the love of god don’t let it into a mosh pit or let it crowd surf. Letting a baby crowd surf starts off all fun and happy everyone’s laughing having a good time, but before you know it your baby a kilometer away. Even if you find your baby, think of all the filthy hands that have been on it. That’s not safe or healthy and it’s no way to treat a baby even if it is your “little rockstar”.

1. Bungee jump
Babies love being thrown into the air, they love being in those bouncer jumpy chairs, so you’d think they’d love bungee jumping. WRONG! What’s the number one rule when it comes to babies? Never drop them! Well bungee jumping is like the ultimate drop and it really doesn’t matter if they snap back up. The damage is done.