5.31.2014

Dumbass Sayings: “If You Can’t Beat Em, Join Em!”

Treason usually isn't
worth it.
This saying is a defeatist’s favorite slogan. The only thing worse than losing is giving up all your values and assimilating into your enemy. If you can’t beat someone then what about just gracefully accepting defeat and leaving it at that? There’s no reason to be a turncoat. This type of attitude is what led to Nazi Germany becoming so powerful during World War II. The countries that Hitler invaded chose to “join em!” and added more strength to the war machine that threatened to conquer the globe under a reign of fascism. So yeah, it’s not a great motto to live your life by. There is no circumstance where this is a positive saying. If you’re a fan of the Oklahoma City Thunder and they get beat in the NBA finals by the Miami Heat, if you decide to be a Miami Heat fan after that then you are a truly despicable person. I don’t think anyone would respect that “decision.” It has nothing to do with the teams or the players, it’s just not an honorable thing to do. You may be able to survive by joining your enemy, but is the life of a traitor really worth living?

Top 10 Worst Sports To Bet On

If you're going to bet,
bet on the right sports.
One of the most popular pastimes in the world today is sports betting. There isn’t a sport you can’t bet on, but that doesn’t mean they’re all suitable for betting. Some sports for one reason or another are not compatible with wagering large sums of money on. These are the top 10 worst sports to bet on:


10. Table Tennis
Table tennis was never a great sport to gamble on, but it’s even worse now that they’ve developed robots who can play it. It won’t be long until the only table tennis players are robots and at that point why bother gambling at all?

This is not the stage on which any money should be gambled.


9. Curling
A good rule of thumb about gambling is never bet on any activity that involves a broom.

You know a game is boring when four separate games have to be played simultaneously to keep anyone's interest.


8. Darts
Betting on yourself playing darts is okay, but betting on professional darts is ridiculous. Why professional darts even exists is beyond my comprehension.

Darts is to javelin as table tennis is to tennis.


7. Bull Riding
Bull Riding is basically all about a person’s grip. The only time a stranger’s grip and money should be involved with each other is when you’re buying hand jobs.

Rodeos aren't a great place to show gamble or show money.


6. Water Polo
Any aquatic sport is usually a no-no when it comes to betting. You bet on any sport that takes place in a pool and you’ll end up all wet.

What do you get when you throw a volleyball into a swimming pool? Water polo.


5. Poker
Betting on other people betting seems like a step in the wrong direction. How far can you remove yourself from the action before it ceases to be entertaining?

If you need to bet on a dog activity, bet on dog racing.


4. Badminton
You can’t take any sport that uses a “Shuttlecock” seriously enough to bet real money on it.

What is this? Shuttlecock bukkake?


3. Chess
Remember when I asked how far you could remove yourself from action before it ceases to be entertaining? Well this is a step farther than that. Not to mention, the people at the high school usually get a little mad when they find out you’re betting on the kids in chess club.

Amazing how the pieces stay stuck to the board like that.


2. Pee Wee Football
Speaking of gambling on kids, one of the worst sports to gamble on is Pee Wee Football. People are getting more and more serious about children’s athletics these days, but parents still get pretty freaked out when you attempt to sabotage the team you’re betting against. When people talk about betting on the future, this is not what they’re talking about.

It's unfair to put the hopes of your financial future on people so young.


And the number one sport you should never bet on is...


1. Figure Skating
Betting money on figure skating is a great way to increase your interest in the sport, but it’s never a good idea to bet on any sport where the winners are judged subjectively. Plus, you don’t want to get in deep with those figure skating bookies. You’ve seen how figure skaters have each other’s kneecaps smashed, imagine what they do when you owe them money.

It's never a good idea to wager serious money on winter hijinx.

Dumbass Sayings: “Four Eyes”

When a person wears glasses sometimes people call them “Four eyes.” I’m not sure how this caught on considering how little sense it makes. Corrective lenses aren’t eyeballs. If you saw a man with no eyeballs wearing glasses would you consider him “Two eyes”? No. He’s still a guy with zero eyeballs scaring children at the park. If you call someone with glasses “Four eyes” then why isn’t someone who wears a monocle called “Three eyes”? If anyone should be mocked for wearing vision correction devices it should be folks who wear monocles, but I guess they get let off the hook. No catchy name for those people. If someone wears bifocals are they “Six eyes”? The point is the only people who could be logically called “Four eyes” are conjoined twins fused together at the head. Still, that’s wrong to call them that so don’t do it. Let’s just say for the sake of argument you saw conjoined twins both wearing bifocals, would you call them “Twelve eyes”? This whole business of counting lenses as extra eyeballs is pure nonsense.

Get a load of two hundred eyes over here!

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Keep From Vomiting During My Wedding?”

Vomiting at a wedding
can spoil the mood.
Dear McFartnuggets:
I’m a really nervous person and when I’m super nervous my stomach turns inside out and I always throw up. The problem is I’m getting married this June and I’m really afraid that I’m going to end up throwing up at the altar. What makes matters worse is this nervous stomach runs in my family so I’m fearing a worst case scenario where I blow chunks and then everyone on my family’s side of the church starts hurling too. I don’t want my wedding to become a pukefest! How can I keep from vomiting during the wedding to prevent all this from happening? -- Amy from Wilmington, Delaware


Dear Amy:
First off, congratulations on getting married. It does seem like you’ve got a bit of a problem there. Some people might recommend medication to calm your nerves, but I’m not into that whole pharmacology business. I would recommend you just don’t eat anything before the ceremony. Go on a fast for about a day before the wedding. This way not only will you fit perfectly into your dress, but even if you do get nervous and start to throw up you’ll only be dry heaving. I think people will be able to handle that without losing their lunch. Even if you drink water and puke that up it’s just water so it’s not as gross as the usual orangey/green chunky gravy that usually comes up with people vomit. Good luck, Amy!


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Dumbass Sayings: “At A Loss For Words”

Unless you have cancer of the
larynx, you're not at a loss
for words.
Whenever you forgot to lock the door to your office and someone walks in and catches you massaging your nipples they always get all dramatic and say “I’m at a loss for words.” Well for being at such a loss for words you just shot six right out of your pie hole pretty damn fast! That’s like saying “I’m not peeing on myself” as people can see the urine stain growing on your pants. You can’t say you’re at a loss for words without being completely full of shit. You can’t even write it without lying. Here’s how you tell someone you’re at a loss for words without lying, just shut the hell up and back out of the damn room and let me finish my massage. What’s the big deal? You never seen a grown man massaging his nip nips before? Next time I’ll double check that the door is locked, but really, if you can’t handle seeing that then you need to seriously grow up, Cheryl.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does My Neighbor Get Mad When I Let My Dog Fertilize His Lawn?”

No one likes scooping
dog shit out of their garden.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
My neighbor down the street has a beautiful garden on his front lawn and when I’m walking my dog Benji (a bull terrier) fertilize his lawn with nutrient rich feces and urine this guy comes running out screaming at me. I’m doing this guy a favor and this is how he reacts? What the heck is my neighbor’s problem? Doesn’t he know animal feces is a fertilizer? What does he think fertilizer is?! -- Annabelle from Racine, Wisconsin


Dear Annabelle:
Animal feces can be fertilizer, but it first has to be put through a process where it’s mixed with soil to turn it into compost. Without this process the dog shit will damage plants especially vegetables. Depending on the pH level of your dog’s urine, the pee can be harmful too. Plus it’s just not sanitary to have your dog crapping all over someone’s lawn. You don’t know if maybe their kids just got a new slip and slide and put that out and slid right into a giant pile of dog crap. That wouldn’t make me too happy, would it you? Would it you? If anything, bag up your dog’s crap and leave it on their doorstep NOT ON FIRE. Then if they want they can turn it into nightsoil at their leisure. Your heart might be in the right place, but your dog’s shit isn’t.


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Dumbass Saying: “Get A Life”

To get a life you must
first take a life.
When you’re following someone around town watching everything they do and going through their trash cans they’ll come outside and say “Get a life!” I never understood this saying. People only say this to living individuals. You would never tell a corpse to get a life even though they’re the ones who are in dire need of one. People need to be more specific with this term. You can’t just tell someone to “Get a life.” What kind of life? How about telling someone “Get a life that involves charitable contributions in the community!” or “Get a life devoted to athletics and physical fitness.” When you say “Get a life” that’s just too broad and open for interpretation. The people you say this to have lives, those lives just involve stalking people and watching internet cat videos all day long. Those are technically lives. Be more specific and say “Go to dinner parties and singles mixers!” At least that gives the person some direction. Think about what you consider “A life” and then give them ways to pursue that. Not all people consider going out all the time and having one night stands to be a “Life” believe it or not. Sometimes you just want to people watch and read comic books in your underpants eating Twizzlers. To some people that’s a great life. So “get a life”? I already got one, sweetheart.


Some of us prefer playing on a higher difficulty with fewer lives.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Call Me A Peeping Tom?”

Back when peepshows
didn't require a mop.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why do people call me a “peeping tom”? My name is Anthony damnit! -- Anthony from Bridgewater, Conn.


Dear Anthony:
The name Peeping Tom comes from the legend of Lady Godiva. Lady Godiva was married to some guy who was taxing people. She felt bad for them so she asked her husband to stop taxing people and he would but only if she rode around town naked on a horse. The husband told everyone to stay inside and not to watch this happen, but a guy named Tom drilled a hole so he could watch and went blind. It sounds like I’m just making this up, but actually someone else made it up a long time ago. Now all because of that one bullshit story that makes no sense, everyone who watches women undress through their bedroom windows is called a Peeping Tom regardless of what their actual first name is. I guess it’s funny how life works sometimes.


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Dumbass Sayings: “If Ifs And Buts Were Candy And Nuts”

Sometimes when someone asks you to come to their Babylon 5 marathon party you say “I would if only I had the time, but I’ll be busy.” Then they’ll reply “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d have a Merry Christmas!” Okay… I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean. I think it’s supposed to mean that people say “if” and “but” a lot so you wish those were good things instead of verbal indicators of rejection. The whole problem with this saying is you condemn the use of “if” and then start your own damn sentence with it. You can’t do that. That kinda ruins your argument. You can’t condemn someone for saying the word “if” and then lead off with it in your rebuttal. You may as well say “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, but they’re not.” Just go ahead and use both the words you’re against to prove your own point like a moron. This is just a really stupid thing to say.

If butts were nuts that would bring a whole new meaning to the term "ass backwards."

The Top 5 Most Awkward Songs To Sing in the Shower

You never know when someone
has a Talkman recording you.
Everyone sings in the shower whether you like to admit it or not. The key is not being caught. Usually you only sing in the shower when you think you’re the only one in the house or you’re drunk. Normally when you sing a popular current song people understand that it just got stuck in your head, but when you sing certain songs it’s awkward for everyone. Here are the top 5 most awkward songs to sing in the shower:


5. “Informer” - Snow
If you’ve ever been caught singing this song in the shower you know just how odd of a situation it puts you in. All you can do is stand there naked waiting for your uncle to slowly back out of the room.




4. “Dude Looks Like A Lady” - Aerosmith
This song is awkward to sing in the shower for two main reasons: It’s difficult to do that sound Steven Tyler makes before he sings “Dude looks like a lady!” and also it’s a song about a transvestite.




3. “It’s A Hard Knock Life” - Annie
This is an awkward song to get caught singing in the shower and I mean the original not the Jay-Z version. It might be okay to sing the Jay-Z version, but singing the one from the movie “Annie” is going to be seen as a tad bizarre.




2. “The Beautiful People” - Marilyn Manson
Marilyn Manson has a distinct singing style that isn’t really suitable for home singing particularly in the shower. There’s a lot of yelling in this song too which is going to get people’s attention even all the way at the other side of your home.




And the number one most awkward song to sing in the shower is...


1. “Will You Be There” - Michael Jackson
I don’t know what it is about this song, but nothing’s more awkward than someone walking in on you naked and crying while singing this song.

5.29.2014

Dumbass Sayings: “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk”

One of the most famous sayings in the world is “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” Well this couldn’t be more wrong. Friends let friends drive drunk all the time, usually they’re in the car too and drunk as well. I think the saying should be “Friends SHOULD NEVER let friends drive drunk.” Even if that were the common saying I’d still have a problem with that because that implies you can encourage your enemies drive drunk. This might seem like a good idea, but you have to realize the thing that makes drunk driving so bad is the danger that the drunkard poses to other people on the road. If your enemy was the only one who got hurt while drunk driving then I would agree with this saying wholeheartedly, but you never know who that bastard is going to crash into. If it’s a car with a family coming home from Disneyland you’re going to feel very bad about yourself. So actually don’t let ANYONE drive drunk, friend or foe. Why are we limiting this to just friends? Even if you don’t know a dude and you see him staggering to his truck you should try to stop the guy. Even if it means beating the hell out of him with wooden 2x4 and being arrested, because that might be a crime whereas letting someone drive drunk isn’t, but by stopping a drunk driver who knows how many lives you saved.

I don't care if you're friends or not. If you see someone looking like this you take their damn keys.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are Pizza Boxes Square When Pizzas Are Round?”

Dear McFartnuggets:
I am eating pizza right now while high and wondering why are pizza boxes square when pizzas are round? Shouldn’t pizza boxes be circles? -- Latisha from Fort Lauderdale


Dear Latisha:
If you were buying a globe would you expect for it to come in a spherical box? If you were buying a dildo would you expect it to come in a box that was shaped like a dildo? Of course not. That would be embarrassing and the UPS guy would totally know what it was. Not every box has to match the exact shape of an item that’s being transported inside it! You may as well ask why coffins aren’t form fit like mummy tombs! The answer is it takes too much damn effort. It’s not worth the time to make mummy coffins for people because that’s not even something that matters to people. No one wants to be buried in a mummy sarcophagus and no one gives a damn if their pizza comes in a square box or a round box. Thanks for the question, Latisha.

Try Papa John's new Diarrhea Lover's pizza!

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Dumbass Sayings: “Bull in a China Shop”

Is that a porcelain vase?
No, it's a bull's
reproductive system.
When you come to Thanksgiving dinner high off your ass on Cocaine usually you don’t remember any of it, but your family tells you that you were going crazy, breaking everything like “A bull in a China shop.” What the hell is a China shop? Is that a store that only sells fine China dinnerware? Do those even exist? Even if they did, how and why would a bull ever be inside one? I’ll bet you could put a bull in a china shop and it would just stand there. You’d have to do something to piss it off for it to go berserk and start smashing everything. Once it’s smashing everything it really doesn’t matter what type of shop it is, there’s still a lot of damage going on. It could be a dildo shop and there’d still be broken items all over the place, I don’t see why people specify a “China shop.”

Instead of saying “Bull in a china shop” just say “A hurricane.” That’s a much more relatable concept for people and it’s something that will help raise awareness in the community so people can protect their homes from the next big hurricane. Why bring up a scenario that will never happen like a bull in a China shop? There’s so much real life destruction to use for metaphors these days. Saying “Bull in a China shop” is like saying “King Kong on a meth binge” or “A giraffe in a portapotty.” Where does this insanity stop?

The Top 5 Stupidest Art Museum Rules

Security is so damn
touchy at museums.
Going to an art museum is a great way to spend some time over the weekend. It’s a relaxing way to enjoy some of the world’s finest artwork and really appreciate the visual gift of art. Sadly, there are a lot of rules at most art exhibits. These rules can really spoil the fun and the worst part is most of the rules don’t even make sense. Here are the top 5 most stupidest art museum rules:


5. No food
You might be able to feast your eyes on artwork, but if your stomach is growling then your experience will be ruined. There’s nothing worse than being hungry and staring at a painting of a bowl of fruit. You should be allowed to eat at a museum. What’s the worst that could happen? You’d eat something bad and projectile vomit on a piece of art? Highly unlikely. Plus, people can always vomit downward.

If a sandwich artist made my lunch I should be able to eat it in a museum.


4. No photography
A big rule anywhere there’s fancy art is “no photography.” Why? Do these people really think I can take a photo of a piece of priceless art and then sell it? Who the hell would buy that? All I want to do is take a photo so I can enjoy it later for my own personal use, if you know what I’m saying. What’s the harm in that?

Always wear a helmet in case security tries going for your head.


3. No singing
Another dumb rule they have in museums is “keep your voice down.” Well sometimes certain pieces inspire you. That’s what good art does. Sometimes you’re inspired to sing and the song can actually enhance the viewing experience for everyone else. Not all noise is created equal! There’s a big difference between me singing “Thriller” by Michael Jackson and some idiot just screaming nonsense. Take it on a case by case basis, don’t just condemn all sound.

We make art with our voices. If you can't handle it that's on YOU.


2. No nudity
The human body is a work of art in and of itself so why then should it be hidden at an art show? Let the art come together!

This jackass gets to be naked and I don't?


And the number one stupidest rule at art museums is…


1. No touching the art.
This is the rule that most museums take the most seriously. It seems like it might make sense because people’s filthy fingers might ruin the paintings, but there is one reason this is a really stupid rule. How are blind people supposed to enjoy the art if they can’t touch it? I mean if you can’t touch the art, not even a sculpture then why should a blind person even bother coming to a museum? This rule is biased against the visually impaired and that is sickening. If someone’s blind they should be able to touch whatever they want. Their hands are their eyes and their touch is their looking.

This is how I feel when people don't let me touch their art.

Dumbass Sayings: “Pardon My French”

"Vous manger la
merde fils muet
de pute!"
Sometimes when your grandpa goes off on a drunken profanity laced tirade at Denny’s he’ll cap it off by saying “Pardon my French!” Unfortunately if you’re me you learn a little too late that this is not actual French. If you’re ever visiting Montreal or any area of the world where people speak English and French you might think that because American curse words are “French” that it’s okay to say them in front of someone’s children. You could not be more wrong. When my French friend introduced me to her 5-year-old I thought I spoke a little French so I started just saying every curse word I knew at her. When I saw the tears come trickling down I realized my mistake. “Cuntbag” is not a French term nor was it ever. My grandpa was wrong. We were all wrong. The strange thing is French is such a nice sounding language whenever someone is cursing at me in French I just smile and wave because it sounds like they're trying to seduce me or something.

The Top 5 Most Redundantly Named Inventions

I didn't know you could
make a TV out of a
party cup.
For some reason a lot of products out there like to insult the users intelligence by telling them exactly what to do with them, like earmuffs. Yeah we know they go over your ears. Where the hell else are we going to put those? You don’t need to call them “earmuffs,” no one is going to be confused. Why can’t more people name products like the makers of the Q-tip did? Q-tip isn’t a redundant name because that’s very mysterious. Where do you put that? Well we all know you use them to clean your butthole, but that doesn’t need to be slapped on the front of the box. Mittens don’t need to be called “Hand socks” we all get it. Anyway, here are the top 5 most redundantly named inventions:


5. Wheelchair
It’s called a wheelchair because it has wheels? No way! Yeah I think we can all clearly see there are wheels there. No one’s going to confuse it for a regular chair. Usually there’s someone already sitting in it anyway so that’s not ever an issue.

Interesting.


4. Lightbulb
If light bulbs were just called “bulbs” would that be too confusing for people? The things make light and everyone knows that. When you ask the guy at the store “Do you have any bulbs?” they get confused for a second, but then they realize you mean light bulbs because really what other kinds of bulbs are there? Tulip bulbs? Give me a break.

Without light bulbs there would be no crack pipes.


3. Mouthwash
Oh it’s for your mouth? You don’t say! Why not call floss “Between teeth string”? Oh because that sounds stupid, but mouthwash? We’re all okay with that for some reason. I guess too many people were washing their asses with it and burning their buttholes with the alcohol.

Have you ever tried a Listerine enema? If you thought it burned BEFORE you're in for a shocker.


2. Underwear
Yeah thanks for calling it “underwear” if I didn’t know that I would have been walking around like Superman getting shitstains all over the insides of my trousers that are clearly chafing my groin and the metal zipper track would be destroying my genitals.

Superman and this guy might not get it, but no one else really needs it to be called "Underwear."


And the number one most redundantly named product out there today is…


1. Toilet paper
The ultimate in foolishly named inventions is toilet paper. It’s a good thing they called it toilet paper otherwise I would have thought you just throw it in the trash when you’re done! I would have tried pushing it down the shower drain! No, obviously we all know if you wipe your ass with something you flush it down with the rest of the poop. It’s common sense, it does not need to be explicitly stated by the name of the product.

It's a good thing they specify it's toilet paper otherwise I might use all sorts of paper on my butthole like construction paper and sandpaper.