7.31.2014

Dumbass Sayings: “So Easy a Caveman Could Do it”

The Geico insurance company once had a popular slogan “So easy a caveman could do it.” Their silly commercials completely distracted people from realizing this phrase made no sense. First off, a caveman could not apply for Geico insurance. They wouldn’t even know what the hell insurance was. I can barely understand it. Let me get this straight, I give you money in case something awful happens to me and if it doesn’t, you keep the money? Why the hell would I bet on something horrific happening to me? The odds are decent, but that’s just a strange bet to make.

Second, cavemen did a lot of stuff that wasn’t easy. Hunting and killing a sabertooth tiger and surviving in the wilderness for generations while evolving into modern man, so easy a caveman could do it! Put anyone today in a caveman’s situation and they’d probably die pretty fast. A caveman’s life wasn’t all simple and easy. This slogan basically overestimates and underestimates cavemen simultaneously. That’s difficult to do. Usually when something proves two opposite points it’s complete bullshit and this is one of those rare cases.

Try raising two kids in the wilderness with no technology and then come back and tell me what cavemen can and can't do.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If The Odds of Winning The Lottery Are So Low Why Does Someone Win Every Time?”

Statistically, you're more likely
to get probed up the ass by a
War of the World's tripod than
win the lottery.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
They always say on the news that your odds of winning the Mega Millions lotto is actually worse than your odds of being struck by lightning three times in a row while pregnant with identical octuplets or some crazy ass shit. But I’m thinking if that’s the truth then how come you never hear of a woman getting the identical octuplets struck out of her ass by lightning meanwhile someone pretty much always wins the Mega Millions? The number of Mega Millions winners far surpasses the number of pregnant women with octuplets being struck by lightning three times. In fact I doubt that’s ever even happened before. What’s the deal? -- Charmesha from Camden, New Jersey


Dear Charmesha:
Probability can be a tricky thing. When the news tells you that you have better odds of being struck by lightning or being a movie star than winning the lotto they’re just using the number of people who have achieved those things to find a general likelihood which is not actually scientific. Obviously if you were born without eyeballs your odds of being a movie star are a little worse than someone who has eyes. So those probabilities of being struck by electricity can change and aren’t static. If you live where there’s lots of thunderstorms and you run around naked with a steel dildo up your ass every night, your odds are going to be much greater than someone who lives underground. When it comes to the lottery, the odds are the same for everyone. The only thing that can alter your odds are the number of tickets you buy. The other thing about the lottery is it’s guaranteed to happen. They will definitely have the drawing, so someone has to win eventually. There’s nothing that says someone HAS to be struck by lightning while giving birth to identical quintuplets. That’s why people win the lottery and you don’t hear about bizarre pregnancy lightning attacks. Your odds of winning the Mega Millions after buying one ticket are 1 in 259 million. The population of America is 313.9 million so if one person in America had an alien burst out of their anus randomly they’d say you have a 1 in 313.9 million chance of that happening to you. At least your odds of winning the lottery are a little better than having E.T. fly out of your ass.


Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Chase The Sun”

“Chase The Sun” is the title of a few different songs by Jaden Smith, Planet Funk, and also Hilary Duff. It’s also the name of an album by The O.C. Supertones. At this point the saying “Chase the sun” is a pretty cliched phrase in the music world. The only problem is that it makes literally no sense. It sounds interesting and exciting, but what the hell does it mean to chase the sun? That’s a horrible idea. First off, the Sun isn’t really running anywhere. It’s moving, but we’re all moving with it too. Even if the Sun was running away from us, flying after it would be a horrible idea. You would burst into flames and disintegrate. There’s just no reason to be chasing the sun. There was a big news story about how a solar flare almost hit Earth in 2012. The Sun is as close as it needs to be. It can kill us whenever it wants. If anything we should be running from the Sun. Moving a little farther from the sun would probably help mitigate some of the climate change and global warming issues we’re experiencing. Unfortunately it’s not really possible for that to happen. In the end, chasing the sun is about as dumb as getting into a staring contest with the sun. We shouldn’t be engaging in happy hijinx with a giant ball of fire. Just leave the Sun alone.


Yeah go chase that. Good idea.

The Top 5 Worst Responses To Someone Saying “I Love You”

You show someone your heart
and they get all creeped out.
When someone says “I love you” it’s really a special moment for them usually. Even if it’s not feeling so special to you, it’s still good to take that person’s emotions into consideration and give the proper response. You don’t always have to say “I love you” right back to them, but there are certain things you definitely should NOT say. Here are the top 5:



5. “Muchas gracias.”
Going bilingual especially when you don’t really speak Spanish is usually a sign of joking around so it’s probably not the best way to reply to someone professing their love to you.



4. “Who doesn’t?”
Saying “Who doesn’t” after someone says “I love you” is probably one of the most arrogant things you can say. It also diminishes what that person just said and their feelings.



3. “WHOA! Calm down, psycho!”
Even though this is probably what you’re thinking, you can’t let that just come out of your mouth. Unless you have ass burgers there’s really no reason to blurt out your true feelings for a person when those feelings are unkind.



2. “Me too.”
This is a classic bad response to “I love you.” Most people probably think it’s the worst, but there is one that’s even more inappropriate…



And the number one worst response to someone saying “I love you” is...



1. “I love you too.”
There’s nothing worse than saying “I love you too” when someone says “I love you” IF the person is just saying it in a jokey manner in a work environment.


Example:
“Your report really made our team look great. And you got us coffee! I love you!”
“I love you too…”


You see how that’s totally weird and makes the other person feel strange? Trust me when I tell you these are the top 5 worst responses to “I love you” because I’ve had them said to me and it hurts A LOT. At least 5-2 hurt. Number one was just creepy.


At least you didn't paint a love letter on a wall with a bucket of human blood.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Argue on the Internet?”

Even this kid thinks
arguing on the internet is a
questionable use of one's time.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why do people argue with each other on the internet? Has anyone ever gained anything from an internet argument? I saw two people arguing about religion on a YouTube video about red velvet cupcakes. I don’t get why people do this. -- Sally from Temecula, California


Dear Sally:
A lot of people are so self centered and egotistical that they think their opinions matter to other people. Why would a stranger’s opinion matter to anyone? That’s the fundamental problem with internet arguments. It implies that people actually care about the beliefs of people they’ve never met and never will meet. If you care about someone’s opinion then they should be a family member or a friend. Those are the people whose opinions can be important to you. For some reason internet arguers don’t understand this. It doesn’t matter if the topic is mayonnaise or the war in Gaza, people always want to speak their opinion and if someone disagrees with it then they have this uncontrollable urge to defend themselves from someone they don’t even know. This person could live thousands of miles away and is most likely just an 8-year-old with internet access, but that doesn’t matter. That’s not important to them. What’s important is that they “win “ the argument. Unfortunately it’s not really possible to win an argument online. In order to truly win an argument you’d have to convince the other person you’re right and since the other person has literally no reason to ever concede defeat, nearly every internet argument just fizzles out as one person realizes there’s no point to keep wasting time going back and forth. The person who stops replying thereby forfeits and whoever has the last post “wins.” The irony is that the person who first realizes all that arguing is pointless is actually the winner in real life. The person who technically wins the internet argument by posting last, in essence wins nothing. No one cares. No one’s paying attention. In the words of Willy Wonka, You get nothing. YOU LOSE! Good day, sir! If only more people could understand these concepts maybe we could eliminate internet arguments altogether because folks would realize the only real way to win an internet argument is simply never to engage in one.


Ask your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll get to them as soon as I can.

Dumbass Sayings: “You’re Such a Tool”

Sometimes when you’re leaving work and you ask some of your fellow co-workers if they want to hang out and watch a “Three Stooges” DVD at your place they say “You’re such a tool.” Yeah I am a tool, I’m a buzzsaw and if you test me I’ll cut your ass up! There’s nothing wrong with being a “tool.” What is so bad about tools that this has become an insult? Without tools, human civilization would not have been able to advance as far as it has. It was our ability to use spears, clubs, and wheels that led to the technological, sociological, and economical evolution of mankind. So when you call me a tool basically you’re calling me a crucial cog in the development of human existence. I don’t take that as an insult. Tools are still popular even to this day. How the hell do you think Home Depot has stayed in business this whole time? People need weedwhackers and phillips head screwdrivers. Tools make life easier for everyone and help us build things. Without “tools” like me you wouldn’t even have a home to live in. Think about that the next time you start denigrating the name of helpful household appliances and apparatuses.


Yeah I guess I'm just one big miter saw.

7.29.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Weird For a Man to Blow a Kiss?”

Judas knew it wasn't cool
to blow a kiss. Sometimes
you gotta get all up in there.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Me and my girlfriend were taking the same bus to work in the morning and I got off a few stops before her. Before I left the bus I turned and blew a kiss at her. Everyone on the bus started laughing. Is it weird for a man to blow a kiss? I know mostly only women blow kisses at people, but what specifically is so womanly about blowing a kiss? How come men don’t do it more often? -- DeRon from Peoria, Illinois


Dear DeRon:
Yeeeeeeaaaahhhhh… I can’t really explain why blowing kisses is a feminine thing to do, but it’s just one of those gender specific affectations that have become a part of society. Blowing a kiss is just a delicate thing to do and women got stuck with the delicate stereotype so that’s something only women do. I think a man can kiss his hand and sort of motion it off at someone, but the actual blowing of the kiss out of the palm is what bothers people. Men can’t blow kisses for the same reason women can’t grab their crotch and spit chewing tobacco. I mean they can, it just looks different and usually people stare. Thing is, if women traditionally blow kisses then just let them be the kiss blowers. You don’t want to get in a situation where you blow a kiss at the same time your girlfriend does because then they cancel each other out like fireballs in Street Fighter II.


Submit your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Funny as Hell”

Sometimes you see an old lady fall down an up escalator at the mall and a bunch of people laugh and say “That’s funny as hell!” Have you ever wondered why people say this? There’s nothing inherently humorous about eternal damnation. When someone says something is “Funny as cancer” it means it’s not funny, but when they say “Funny as Hell” then that means it IS funny. Does that make sense? What’s even stranger is these people are probably going to Hell if it exists, for laughing hysterically at this elderly woman falling forever. I wonder if they’ll still be laughing when they’re sharing a room with a demonic half horse half lion with dicks for eyes. Let’s hear you yuck it up then! If you ever use the term “Funny as hell” you had better be an atheist who’s allowed to mock the concept of the afterlife, otherwise you just sound stupid. Anyone who believes in hell should not be mocking it by saying it’s funny. I’m sure the Devil hears this and thinks “OH we’ll see how funny it is when you’re being lowered feet first into a lake of lava slowly little by little over the course of forever with fire piranhas eating their way up your digestive system starting at the butthole. Not exactly open mic night at the ol’ improv!

Well doesn't that just tickle your funny bone.

Horrible Old Commercials That Were Rightfully Banned From TV


It’s crazy how these companies actually thought these commercials would make people want to buy their product. You can’t fault them for trying to be original, but looking back it’s obvious why the FCC decided to remove them from the air.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does My Vagina Smell Like Domino’s Pizza?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
When my husband came home the other day he said “Oh goodie! You ordered Domino’s!” The only problem is he got his hopes up because I didn’t. He said he could have sworn he smelled Domino’s when he came in even through the front screen door because Domino’s has a distinctive smell to him. I was baffled because I wasn’t even in the mood for pizza that night so there’s no way I would have drunkenly dialed out and not realized it (As I tend to do sometimes). We got to thinking and neither of us could figure out why this happened. Then later that night in bed my husband realized the smell of Domino’s seemed to be emanating from my vulva. I couldn’t believe it. I went to the bathroom and washed my vagina and came back. He said he still smelled that haunting Domino’s aroma. He told me he wouldn’t be able to sleep if it still smelled like that so I ended up Febreezing it and putting a Glade plug in up my hoohah. The smell didn’t totally go away, but it was masked well enough for us to get a decent night’s sleep. Even today the question and the smell still lingers. Why does my vagina smell like Domino’s Pizza? It’s not DiGiorno, it’s delivery and it’s coming out of me! Help! -- Naomi from Kennesaw, Georgia


Dear Naomi:
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh…. I’m pretty sure you have a yeast infection.


At least have your vagina smell like Papa John's. Come on!


Have questions you need answers to? Send them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll try to help!

The Top 5 Worst Things To Do While Getting A Lap Dance

Strippers can be very
sensitive.
When you’re getting a lap dance there’s a certain etiquette you have to keep in mind. There are basically no “DOs” but there damn sure are a bunch of “DONTs.” In order to make your next lap dance a pleasant experience that doesn’t result in complete humiliation in front of strippers or worse yet having you thrown head first out onto a street, make sure to remember the top 5 worst things to do while getting a lap dance:


5. Giggle like a schoolgirl.
There are few things creepier to a stripper than when a grown man starts going “Teeheehee” like a mythological woodland nymph as she’s grinding on his pelvis.


4. Tell the stripper “You look like my mom.”
This is one of the few things creepier to a stripper than when you giggle like a schoolgirl.


3. Have a seizure.
You obviously never want to have a seizure, but even moreso when you’re getting a lap dance because your arms will start flailing around and you might accidentally grab at her which leads the bouncers to throw you out onto the street where you’re left to seizure and possibly die without any medical attention.


2. Vomit.
Vomiting on a stripper is one of the most common, horrible things that can happen during a lap dance. You’re out drinking with your buddies and you have one too many, before you know it the combination of a stomach full of tequila, a crave case from White Castle, and strobe lights along with a stripper whipping her glittery hair around will make you lose your lunch. Most strippers will take that as an insult. No one wants to ever clean a strangers barf off their tits. It’s not a very proud moment.


And the number one worst thing to do while you’re getting a lap dance is…


1. Shit your pants
Always and I mean ALWAYS take a dump before you go to a strip club. Also try your best to avoid enchiladas and spicy pork dishes. It sounds stupid, but if you’re doing coke, drinking, and eating greasy foods, it might not even matter if you crapped before you left the house there’s going to be a torpedo locked and loaded in your ass ready for someone to turn the key. That’s a ticking time bomb. When that goes off that ruins EVERYONE’S night. Even if you don’t crap your pants you’ll be trying to hurry the lap dance along so you can run to the bathroom and that’s not getting your money’s worth at all.

You NEVER want your stripper to make this face.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Okay to Breastfeed the Homeless?”

Someone looks thirsty!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve been looking for a nice original way to help feed the homeless. I’ve tried buying them sandwiches and pizzas, but nothing really made me feel truly happy. Once I became pregnant five months ago I realized as my breasts grew that I could breastfeed people. I knew I had found the answer! I could breastfeed the homeless! What more perfect a way is there to give back to these people who are so underprivileged? The one minor issue I’ve experienced with this is the looks that other people will give me when I’m feeding one of the homeless like at a bus stop or on the train to work. Am I missing something? What is so bad about feeding the homeless? I’m giving them the support no one else did or will! It’s okay to breastfeed the homeless, isn’t it? -- Cassandra from Atlanta


Dear Cassandra:
Well, they’re your breasts I can’t tell you what to do with them. Personally I would fear getting some kind of disease. If the homeless person was teething and bit down too hard they could break skin. You have to understand this is not a normal behavior, sadly. So people will react negatively toward it. I commend you for what you’re trying to do and I’m sure you’re making a lot of hobos very happy.


Ask your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

7.27.2014

Dumbass Sayings: "Get A Grip"

Somehow the sentence "Get a grip" has become a common phrase in our times. It's supposed to mean "get a grip on reality" and it's meant to be said to people experiencing a nervous breakdown or any other kind of anxiety, but really it sounds more like something you'd say to a prostitute before a hand job. Whenever I hear someone tell another person to "Get a grip" I always chuckle a little bit, knowing the true meaning of the phrase. The problem with this saying is that it only makes sense as a hand job saying. When you use it in the common way it doesn't hold up to logical inspection. How can you get a grip on reality? Reality isn't a thing you can hold. It's the milieu in which the universe as we know it occurs. That's not something you can hold, fool. Maybe god can grip reality. Actually if he's god he probably can. He's the only one who could so when you tell someone to "Get a grip" you're either commanding them to be god or to jack you off. Both are usually unreasonable requests.


If you've never had a happy ending given to you by someone wearing scuba gloves, consider yourself lucky.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Homosexuality is Genetic Then Why Aren’t Gays Extinct?”

How many lesbians are
men unknowingly impregnating?
Dear McFartnuggets: 
If homosexuality is a genetically inherited trait as liberals say then how come gay people still exist? Blonde people are going to be extinct in a few hundred years because the gene that makes people blonde is not being passed down enough so why wouldn’t the same thing happen with gays? Gays probably procreate less frequently than blonde people so why isn’t this the case? There have been homosexuals for centuries so if it’s genetic and they don’t tend to have babies then how is it there seem to be more now than ever? -- Irene from Jacksonville, Florida



Dear Irene:
It is pretty confusing. The fact is, scientists devoting their lives to researching this stuff don’t even understand it. The latest scientific opinion is that the genes that pass down homosexuality come from the parents. They say there’s a gene that boosts female fertility and if it gets passed to a male baby then that can make the baby gay. I’m guessing the same goes for a lesbian baby except the gene comes from the father and it affects male fertility. I think that sort of makes sense, but who even cares? Just let these homosexual babies live their gay little infant lives in peace.



Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Hubby/Hubsy” and “Wifey”

Talking like a toddler
won't make you
younger.
For some reason women at work always love talking about their “Hubsies.” This is the word they use for “Husband.” They show you photos and say “This is me and my hubsy at the animal shelter euthanizing rescue kittens” or “This is me and hubby dumping the body of an undocumented worker who had a bath salts overdose in our backyard while working on our new garage addition.” Look I don’t have a problem with you and your husband doing things together, but as long as you’re telling me about it let’s use English words. Married men aren’t free of guilt here either. Their nickname for a wife is “Wifey.” Their abbreviation of the word “Wife” consists of adding an extra letter and making it longer. What is it about marriage that turns people into braindead zombies? The monotonous lifestyle and feeling like there’s nothing else to do with your life other than cultivate offspring? PERHAPS. That’s still no excuse to be butchering the English language. Now if a woman is legitimately dyslexic I’ll look past the whole “Hubsy” thing because it’s not right to make fun of people with disabilities. If she’s not dyslexic then there’s no excuse for just switching letters around in words. Say “Husby” or something. I don’t know why people feel the need to make cute little anagrams. You’re damn near 50-years-old, you’re not a toddler. You stopped calling spaghetti “Pasghetti” so there’s no reason for you to be calling your husband “Hubsy.” How do you expect your children to take you seriously?

7.26.2014

The Top 5 Worst Places To Find A Clown

If you're lucky, you only
see clowns in your
nightmares.
A lot of people are frightened of clowns these days. No one is really sure why. Maybe it’s because they have a smile painted on so you’re tricked into thinking they’re happy when they’re staring at you with a blank face. Maybe it’s the thought of “Who would want to dress like that and be a clown in the first place?” Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the bloody machete they’re swinging around over their head. Whatever the reason may be, there are just some places you never want to run into a clown and here are the top 5:


5. The garage.
I don’t care if it’s your garage or a parking structure at a mall, the last thing you want to see when walking to your car in a dimly lit area is a clown standing there holding a rusty chainsaw.


4. In the backseat of your car.
You got to your car in the garage and now you’re starting it up. You look in the rearview mirror to back out of the parking spot when you see a clown staring at you through the mirror smiling. Then it’s not long until it throws a rope around your neck and starts strangling you in the dark. That’s not cool.


3. Your closet.
If you’ve ever been woken up in the middle of the night and heard circus music coming out of your closet, opened the door and found a clown dripping blood from its mouth you know that finding a clown in your closet is a pretty negative experience.


2. In your shower.
Finding a clown in your shower is bad for a few reasons. The main one being that you’re probably naked about to get into the shower when you see the clown. There’s really no circumstance where it’s okay to be naked in front of a clown. There are very few ways that can end well.


And the number one worst place to find a clown is...


1. Standing over your bed in the middle of the night.
Pretty self explanatory.

"Sup."

Ask McFartnuggets: “What The Hell Does ‘Bae’ Mean?”

"Bae: Pig in the City"
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Maybe you can help clear this up. Me and my friend have been arguing over what “Bae” means. My friend says it’s the Danish word for “poop” and I think it means “Before anyone else.” What does this word really mean? -- Paul from Olympia, Washington


Dear Paul:
Here’s the thing, it technically does mean poop, but that’s when it’s written “Bæ” which it almost never is. It could also mean “Before anyone else” except that would make it an acronym which means it should be spelled “BAE” which it almost never is. Also I just don’t think it makes sense for it to mean “Before anyone else.” In the Pharell song “Come Get It Bae” he says “Come get it bae, come get it bae, come get it bae, come get it bae.” Does he mean “Come get it before anyone else”? If that’s what he means then bae should be written B.A.E. But you can’t just invent acronyms like that just to fit easily into songs. That’s a horrible precedent to be setting for songwriters. I’d really like to believe that’s not what “Bae” means. More likely it’s just a lazy slang way of saying “Babe.” I know this because there was a meme called “Bae caught me slipping” where people take selfies of themselves pretending to be sleep to make it look like it was their significant other taking the photo and “slipping” was supposed to mean “sleeping.” “Bae caught me slippin” is supposed to mean “Babe caught me sleeping” not “Before anyone else caught me slipping/sleeping.” That definitely makes no sense. Fact of the matter is, it can mean whatever you want. It’s not even a real word. At least not til Webster’s Dictionary puts it in right beside “Bootylicious” and all the other ridiculous words people are inventing these days.


Send questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “How Are You?”

Asking an alcoholic how
they are can be a very
long conversation.
Sometimes people walk by your desk at work and say “How are you?” like it’s a substitute for “hello.” By the time I’m ready to give them an answer they’ve already walked away. If you really care to know how I am then you should stop and find out otherwise stop bullshitting. I was going to tell you that I’m actually not doing so well, but that’s not an answer people like to get! People will ask you how you are, but the truth is they don’t want an honest answer. They want to hear “Good, and you?” So they can say “Never better”! And then they walk away. What is the point of that? What if I’m not “good”? Not everyone is good all the time! As a person you have to know that and take that into consideration when you’re about to ask someone how they are. Usually you can tell how someone is just by looking at them. If someone’s smiling then there’s a decent chance they’re doing well. If that’s the case, you don’t have to bother asking. If they’re frowning or crying then you know there’s a probable chance they’re NOT okay in which case you shouldn’t ask unless you want to hear about their problems, which you don’t. So basically you should never ask someone how they are. Just look at them and unless you’re a sociopath you should be able to obtain your answer without exchanging pointless words.

7.25.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Get Rid of My Gag Reflex?”

Taming the gag reflex
is fighting generations
of evolution.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
What are some things I can do to get rid of my gag reflex? I want to be good at porns. -- Joanna from Arlington, Texas


Dear Joanna:
Okay first off, it’s not called “porns” with an ‘s’ at the end, it’s just “porn.” Second, you can slowly put cucumbers down your throat a little at a time until your throat just stops caring. Third, you shouldn’t get rid of your gag reflex. It’s an important part of human physiology. There’s an actual reason we have a gag reflex and it’s to keep foreign objects and harmful things out of your bodies. By getting rid of that you might become the next great thing in porns, but you risk some serious medical emergencies in the future. Imagine how many porn stars have died by accidental poison ingestion because their gag reflex was gone and their throat just swallowed all the poison without involuntarily trying to regurgitate it. You don’t hear about that at all, but it is a serious risk. Take my advice, don’t get rid of your gag reflex. If anything, join vomit porn or something.


Ask your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com.

The Best Things To Do “Like A Girl”

Whether a stereotype is
negative or not is a
 matter of perspective.
Saying you do something “like a girl” is generally taken as an insult, but there are some actions that are actually best performed “like a girl.” People always focus on the negative stereotypes of women when they should be focusing on the positive stereotypes. Here are the top 5 best things to do “like a girl.”


5. Sell
A lot of girls are good at selling things. That’s how Girl Scout cookies got so popular. People are more likely to buy things from a female than a male especially if they’re a male. If you’re in sales, you probably wish you could sell like a girl except that’s something that tends to require bosoms.


4. Shop
It’s a cliche and a stereotype, but it’s one that most people aren’t willing to argue about. Women are great at shopping. There, I said it. We all know it. If you’re out there looking for hot deals and bargains it helps a great deal to shop like a girl. There’s nothing wrong with that.


3. Multitask
Scientific studies have shown that the female brain is more talented at multitasking than a male brain. If you’ve ever seen a lady with three kids at the grocery store on the phone squeezing tomatoes while setting a doctor’s appointment and telling their kids to “Put that shit down!” You know what I’m talking about.


2. Argue
Everyone wishes he could argue like a girl. There’s no doubt that girls argue better than anyone else on this planet. If you’re in an argument with a girl you know it’s not going to end well because they somehow only argue about things they’re right about.


And the number one thing you should do “like a girl” is...


1. Scream
Screaming like a girl is tremendously helpful in life. When I see a spider in my house I scream like a girl and I’m not ashamed. I know that it’s an evolutionary response to danger. By screeching at an insanely high pitch, the sound waves are able to permeate fart and wide to alert everyone in a nearby radius to the fact there is danger closeby.


See the people in the upper left corner? They're thinking "Huh? What's the matter?" Because screaming helps alert other people. It's a human siren alarm and girls are great at it.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do You Always Post Comments on YouTube Videos?”

Why you make comment
me no like?
Dear McFartnuggets: Why do you always post comments on YouTube videos? Are you some kind of attention whore or something? I used to think your comments were funny, but it’s getting really annoying to see your dumb clown face all the time on every single video I watch! Why don’t you just get a life and stop commenting on everything?! -- Diana from Blue Ball, Arkansas


Dear Diana:
If you’re that bothered by my comments you can just block them. It’s easy. If you don’t like my comments then I want you to see them as much as you do. They’re not for you, they’re for people who can take a joke and don’t obsess over comment sections. Once you block someone you never see their comments come up. I don’t know why people can’t figure this out. Maybe it’s because they’re morons which is why they’re complaining about this kind of stuff in the first place. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to people that I comment on videos. They love to mention that I’m on every video. Well if you see me on every video then that means you’re on every video too. That’s the irony people don’t notice. If I “have no life” because I comment on “every” video then how much more of a life do you have if you’re on all the same videos commenting on them too? Think about it, but not too hard, you might hurt yourself. Some people say I’m an attention whore then proceed to shower me with all their attention. Do you see how stupid that is? Do everyone a favor and just find something a little more important to be upset about. Try battling against world hunger or working to find a cure for Cancer. At the very least, go focus your attention on people who comment on every video and aren’t even mildly interesting. Maybe when you come back I’ll be gone. Probably not, but at least you’ll be thinking about someone else for a change.


Feel free to ask any questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com I answer them all even the negative ones.