8.31.2014

Dumbass Sayings: “Organic Food”

Sometimes people say weird things like “Sorry, I only eat organic.” Everyone these days goes berserk over organic foods. I don’t really see what the big deal is. You know what else is organic? Human flesh. I won’t be taking another bite of that any time soon, it’s gross. You need foods with some decent flavor and organic is not the way to go for that at all. Even non-human organs taste bad. Liver is a very divisive meat. No one argues whether or not baby back ribs taste good, but once you start eating stomachs and kidneys that’s when things start to get gross. Organs aren’t really meant to be eaten. They’re usually full of bile and weird enzymes. You know what else is organic? Bacteria. The Bubonic Plague was organic. If just hearing the word “organic” makes you feel hungry then you’ve got a problem.


E.coli is a 100% organic food.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Let a Homeless Person Housesit For Me?”

Letting a hobo house sit is
a temporary solution to a
permanent problem.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’m leaving on business for two months and I’ve been looking for a house sitter, someone to watch the house while I’m gone. Then it hit me. Why not just have a homeless person be my housesitter? I mean isn’t that perfect? They get a place to stay and enjoy feeling like they have a home and I get a free house sitter. Everyone wins! I wish more things in life could work out this perfectly. It’s one of those rare instances where you can do a charitable act and actually get something in return besides feeling good about yourself. -- Sally from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Dear Sally:
Yeeeeeeeeeeaeaaaaaahhhhhhhh… I don’t think that’s a good idea. Unless you really know the hobo well like he’s your cousin or father I wouldn’t really let them housesit. Even if you know them well there’s always the chance they can be followed by rogue rival hobos and they’ll manipulate or hurt your house sitting hobo to gain access to your home. You have to really trust this person. It’s best to choose someone you’ve known for a long time. Unless this homeless person has outstanding, credible references, I would avoid letting them watch your home. If you still really want to then I respect your commitment to charity and wish you and the homeless individual you've chosen all the best.


Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Least Talked About Cancers

It IS a tumor!
With cancer awareness movements stronger and more ubiquitous than ever, there are still some cancers people don’t talk about. For whatever reasons, some types of cancer just don’t get the attention that breast, lung, and testicular cancer do. What I want to do is at least mention those cancers here so maybe we can get a discussion going on some of these and help raise awareness for them.


5. Kidney cancer
Kidney cancer isn’t incredibly rare, nonetheless you rarely see anyone raising awareness for it. When was the last time you saw a run for kidney cancer?

You think just because kidneys look like beans they're safe from cancer? Think again.


4. Tongue cancer
You can get cancer on your tongue, I think. It’s just rare. They call it “Oral cancer” which is bullshit. You can’t just lump things together like that. Why not just call it all “Head cancer”? Being specific always helps when it comes to cancer. Call it “Tongue cancer” and give it its own ribbon, damnit!

The problem with tongue tumors is most people confuse them for oral warts and ignore them.

3. Heart cancer
Heart cancer does exist, but because it’s so rare people rarely make a big deal about it. For some reason tumors rarely appear in the heart. I’m not going to complain about that I’m just saying it rarely happens. However, when it does it’s usually very deadly so watch out for heart cancer.

Heart cancer may be rare, but it is deadly.


2. Appendix cancer
What does an appendix even do? Thankfully you don’t hear of too many people getting Appendix cancer because that would add injury to insult. It’s bad enough you’re stuck with an organ that does nothing, but then to have it cause you problems on top of that is ridiculous.

I don't think even cancer knows what the hell an appendix does.


And the number one least talked about cancer is…


1. Sinus cancer
Remember that time your friend got Sinus cancer and everyone was really concerned about him? No, you don’t because Sinus cancer is rare as hell. Maybe there is a chance you do know someone affected by Sinus cancer and if so then I’m very sorry for that. People like you need to start raising awareness for it because I doubt many people even know it exists.

Sinus cancer definitely needs more attention than it's getting.

8.30.2014

Dumbass Sayings: "Dangerously Cheesy"

Cheetos slogan is "Dangerously cheesy" And I'm not sure how they decided that was a good idea. Dangerously cheesy sounds threatening. Who the hell wants to take risks with their food. When I'm eating corn snacks I don't want to invite danger into the equation. The problem with the saying is that it is true. Cheetos are dangerous because they're horrible for your health. A company should not be advertising such a fact. The idea that this is the slogan and everyone is okay with that is a startling indictment on our cheese culture. Of course Cheetos also pose a threat to lactose intolerant individuals so in that way the slogan could serve as a warning to them, but I would assume they can figure that out just by the name of the product.

Normally when a food company implies their food is dangerous, that's a bad thing.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Put Underarm Antiperspirant on My Taint?”

It's not called Taint and
Hammer, but go ahead.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
My taint gets mad sweaty in the month of August and no matter what I do I can’t seem to keep it dry. The only thing I haven’t tried that someone suggested is apply my underarm antiperspirant on my taint. I’m reticent to try that shit tho because I heard the aluminum chloride active ingredient in the antiperspirant can clog lymph nodes and cause breast cancer. I don’t want to get cancer, you heard? -- Tyshaun from Grand Rapids, Michigan


Dear Tyshaun:
The idea that the aluminum in antiperspirant can clog up lymph nodes leading to a build up of toxins has been proven to be false. The body doesn’t sweat out toxins so you don’t have to worry about that. As far as breast cancer is concerned, aluminum has been linked to that, but no substantial proof has been found. Plus, I don’t think there’s such a thing as Taint Cancer. If there is then they definitely need a ribbon and an ice bucket challenge type movement to help raise awareness. As far as I know, underarm antiperspirant can be used to block sweat pretty much anywhere on the body. As long as you have healthy kidneys you shouldn’t be afraid of the aluminum content. Thanks for the question.


Write me your questions! Send them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Benefits to Being Obese

Is bigger really better?
We all know being obese isn’t a good thing. There are a lot of problems associated with it ranging from heart issues to joint paint to sleep apnea and diabetes. However, as with most things, it’s not ALL bad. There are some benefits to being obese and it’s important to note them. I’m not saying people should be obese, but if they can’t help it due to a glandular issue or the deliciousness of bacon then I’m sure they’re enjoying the following top 5 benefits:


5. You can play your belly like a big bass drum.
If you’ve got an extra 50 or 300 lbs on your body there’s a good chance your belly is like a big ass drum. What’s so great about that? Well you’ve basically got a musical instrument built into your body. That’s amazing when you think about it and if you get good enough it can be a great way to entertain people at parties or on dates.

Why bother paying for a set of drums when you can just use your immense belly?


4. You get more privacy on elevators.
Depending on how big you are you can cut down the number of people traveling with you on an elevator to just one or two. No one likes being on a packed elevator, but having just a couple people on there with you isn’t so bad.

When people see a really fat person on an elevator they always check the weight limit and no one wants to test that.


3. More space for tattoos.
If you’re a fan of tattoos then you’re probably going to want to pack on the pounds for that extra canvas space. Just be careful about losing weight if you’ve got your obese body covered in tats because all that skin will go loose and it’ll be like you have rolled up posters printed on your excess skin that no one can see.

Why do you think Samoans are so big? They love tattoos. It's not a coincidence.


2. It’s harder to slip.
Have you ever seen a really fat person fall down? It rarely happens. You know why that is? Gravity. The more mass you have on the ground the more force is required to move you so if you’re morbidly obese and caught in a hurricane you won’t have as much of a problem moving around as a “healthy” person.

When the obese do fall they fall harder, but they do fall less often. It's academic.


And the number one benefit to being obese is...


1. You can hide things in your fat.
Most people know this and joke about it, but it’s a serious feature of being overweight. If you’re walking around naked with your phone and you need to put the phone away for a second you can just tuck it away in your fat fold and go hands free. It’s more of a convenience thing though, if you try to hide drugs the police dogs will still find it and the cops will probably still run a hand under the fold. But, pens, loose change, candy bars, all nice things to pack away in your blubber fold when your pockets are full. The irony is, being obese, your pants are usually gigantic which means you’ve got massive pockets anyway. I guess that’s one of God’s little jokes.

Being obese is like having a hollowed out book safe except in the crevasses of your blubber.

8.29.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Who Controls The Puppet People on the DirecTV Commercials?”

I hope it's not this guy.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
You know those DirecTV commercials with the marionette wife and her son who is also a puppet? They have puppet strings leading to the ceiling, but we never see the top of those strings. I’m wondering who controls them. Who pulls the strings on those puppet people? Are they technically even alive? -- Danielle from Moorhead, Minnesota


Dear Danielle:
That’s a good question. That’s a question I think the puppet wife’s husband should have asked a long time ago. Where exactly do those strings lead? Surely the marionette woman can’t be in control of her own strings that would be ridiculous. There is the distinct possibility that the dude married an inanimate life sized puppet being manipulated by someone on his roof who makes her move and does the voice too. That’s pretty disturbing. However, that would take an awful lot of work and I’m pretty sure the puppet lady goes outside so that would lead me to believe that God is the one pulling her puppet strings. That of course is awful news for her and her son because that would mean they have no free will which means I don’t think they can get into Heaven when they die. The whole premise of these commercials is pretty tragic when you think about it.


If you have anymore questions send them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Saying: “Apeshit/Batshit”

Why is the feces of apes and bats considered the craziest of all the fecal matter? If you’ve ever seen a homeless lady shitting on the bus before then you know that human shit is clearly the craziest. The only crazy thing about batshit is that they have to do it while hanging upside down, which if you’ve ever soiled yourself on a stalled roller coaster, you know is very uncomfortable. There’s nothing that crazy about ape crap. I think it’s considered crazy because it’s usually full of bananas and bananas is a slang term for crazy. So in that way it makes sense, but not really. If a bat shits at the zoo no one blinks. If an ape shits at the zoo no one is too concerned. But when I shit at the zoo, you would have thought I started World War III. The security guards come running with their batons and tasers. It’s a big production! So clearly when you’re talking about insane defecation, the only real crazy shit is humanshit.

You have to be a little crazy to take a shit in this position.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Aren’t People More Specific When They Say God Bless The Troops Overseas?”

Not THOSE troops!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
People always say “God bless the troops overseas,” but that could mean any troops. People always say “God bless the troops in Afghanistan!” What if they mean the Afghanistan troops? You have to be more specific! Say “God bless OUR troops!” It’s a simple thing you can say to avoid messing up and blessing the wrong people! -- Lois from Tallahassee, FL


Dear:
Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh… He’s God. I think he knows who you’re talking about. That being said, he probably doesn’t appreciate being told who to bless by people. He’ll bless who he wants thank you very much! When you tell him who to bless he probably gets pissed off which causes the opposite effect.  Did you ever think about THAT?


Thanks for sending your questions, folks. I’m taking a break from questions for awhile but if you want to keep sending them anyway, mail them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

8.28.2014

Dumbass Sayings: "Someone's in a Good Mood Today!"

Sometimes when you show up to work smiling some asshole will say "Well you're in a happy mood!" Or "Looks like someone's in a happy mood today!" What kind of pessimistic bullcrap is that? Yeah why wouldn't I be? I'll tell you why because there are assholes expecting me to be cranky all the damn time well I say screw that! I'm going to be happy regardless. You got a problem with that? It's not an occasion for a party if I happen to show up non-suicidal to work one day. But because you're treating it like that, it's only highlighting why I don't smile more often which subsequently results in me showing up pissed off more and more. If someone's in a happy mood just enjoy it and let them enjoy their mood. Don't call it out and pretend like you just found an extraterrestrial corpse or something. It's just a person smiling, get over it.


What the hell are you all smiley about, Real Life Mrs. Doubtfire?!

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Do People Try to Find Other Planets?"

There are a lot of other
hot planets out there,
but we have our own.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come astronomers are always looking to space to find other planets? News flash. We already found one and it's pretty damn awesome. It's a good thing Earth isn't aware of what's going on otherwise I'm sure she would be very offended at so many of her children checking out and ogling other planets. Let's just be happy with what we have. Why are people always so obsessed with what else is out there?  We should be thanking the heavens for our planet every day instead of taking her for granted. If we aren't careful one day we might lose a good thing while we're busy looking for a better one!  -- Janeese from Fairfield, Connecticut


Dear Janeese:
True dat, girlfriend. You're right, except the urge to explore and look for new lands is critical to the advancement of human civilisation. We would not be where we are today if not for man's urge to probe strange and unusual worlds. Now that most of the earthly ones have been seen and conquered the next step is to look to space. It's no offense to mother Earth we still love her fine ass, but she needs to understand that there are other fish in the sea and you can't blame a man for going to SeaWorld every once in awhile.


We humans love our peep shows.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “I’m in the Best Shape of My Life!”

Sometimes on commercials featuring a new exercise machine or weight loss method they’ll put a 70-year-old guy on there who says “I’m in the best shape of my life!” People are supposed to be impressed by this, but the older you get, the less impressive saying “I’m in the best shape of my life” is. If you’re super old and you think you’re honestly in the best shape of your life then one has to deduce that you were in really bad shape all throughout the previous stages of your life. I have to assume you must have been morbidly obese with sleep apnea or a severe heroin addict because otherwise there’s no way your 70-year-old ass could beat yourself when you were 20. So either saying “I’m in the best shape of my life!” isn’t that impressive, or it’s a blatant lie and no one should take a damn thing they’re seeing in this commercial seriously.


If someone says they're in the best shape of their life it might not mean anything if they used to look like this.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Have You Ever Noticed How Gun Range Targets Are Black?”

Watch out, Smurfs!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Have you ever noticed how those paper targets at gun ranges are almost always colored black? Isn’t that a little weird? Then we wonder why cops shoot unarmed Black kids! They’re being subconsciously trained to shoot at dark targets! Sure there are other forces at play when something like that happens, but when you’re in a life or death scenario your brain instinctively goes back to your training and if all you remember from your training is shooting a firearm at a shadowy black figure then you’re probably pretty damn likely to pull the trigger as you’ve done hundreds and thousands of times. Isn’t it about time they change the color of those things? -- Lois from Paducah, Kentucky



Dear Lois:
Well you have to keep in mind that printing any other color would be a lot more expensive to produce. Making them black is likely the most cost effective way so that’s what people do. As for your theory of it leading to people shooting African American individuals, I’m not so sure about that. Maybe they can try inverting the printing so there’s a white target and see if albino shootings go up. I doubt it.



Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

8.27.2014

Dumbass Sayings: ”This is Fan Food, Not Fast Food”

Fan food is extra
popular around summer.
Dairy Queen’s slogan is “This is fan food, not fast food” and they pretend like people know what that means. What the hell is “fan food”? Are they talking about food created with the use of a fan like whipped cream or something? Are they talking about food for fans of professional sports teams? Neither of those explanations make sense. What I’m assuming they mean is their food is so good that it garners a fan base of fanatic enthusiasts. The problem with that message is it’s not clearly communicated through the term “fan food.” I sincerely doubt people hear “This is fan food, not fast food” and understand what that means. This is not a phrase that will take off with people. When was the last time you heard someone say “Hey you wanna get some fan food?” No one says that because it sounds incredibly stupid and would only serve to confuse the other people listening. Also, “fast food” isn’t a slur. Dairy Queen IS fast food. Just accept what you are. There’s nothing wrong with getting food quickly. That was the whole idea when fast food was invented. People like fast food. Just be comfortable with who you are, Dairy Queen. There’s no need to invent weird new adjectives for yourself. And if you do make up new phrases to describe yourself, at least have the courtesy to do a couple commercials where you explain what the hell you’re talking about.


Dairy Queen isn't that popular in South Korea.

3 Causes The Ice Bucket Challenge is Unknowingly Raising Awareness For

You pour water on the head
because ALS happens in the brain.
The Ice Bucket Challenge is now famous for raising awareness for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, but it’s also unknowingly raising awareness for some other causes. When you think about it, there’s really no logical connection between ALS and dumping ice water over your head. It’s really an arbitrarily chosen activity that has thankfully become very popular. Here are three causes that are gaining some extra attention thanks to the Ice Bucket challenge:

1. Water conservation
With so many people dumping gallons of water over their heads, questions have been raised about how much water is being wasted for the Ice Bucket Challenge. A huge water crisis faces much of the world, particularly Asia in the coming years. Even states like California are experiencing serious droughts that are ruining crops and losing millions of dollars in revenue for the economy. Also, with so many people in African nations who don’t have access to clean drinking water, dumping loads of water over your head seems a little insensitive. Thank god they don’t have computers to see what’s going on over there.


We all love the ice bucket challenge, but let's not run ourselves into another Dust Bowl.


2. Global warming
One of the biggest issues facing humanity is global warming and climate change. Whatever you want to call it, the problem is the ice caps are melting at an exponential rate. With the Ice Bucket challenge occurring all over the world, one has to wonder if the ice could be better used elsewhere. It might not make a huge impact, but if everyone who did the Ice Bucket Challenge dumped their ice on Antarctica instead, maybe that could slow down climate change a little. It probably wouldn’t, but it wouldn’t hurt and at least that’s trying to do something about it.


Greenland needs all the ice it can get right now.


3. Pneumonia
This isn’t an issue that’s being highlighted just yet, but as we progress into Fall and Winter, if the Ice Bucket Challenge continues (and we all hope it does) you’re going to see a lot of people getting very sick with pneumonia and other ice related maladies like hypothermia.


The Ice Bucket Challenge could one day raise awareness for FOUR key issues in the near future.

8.26.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: "How Can I Keep My Cat From Getting Feline AIDS?"

Unless you want your cat
looking like this, ya better
keep it away from that AIDS.
Dear McFartnuggets 
I just got a cat and I'm worried about this thing the Feline AIDS. I got Shelby (my cat) tested and it was the most nervewracking couple of days waiting for those test results to come back. Fortunately she doesn't have it, hut what can I do to make sure she doesn't get it ever? Should I be putting a condom in my cat before it goes outside? Do they make condoms for female cats? Or can I put a male cat condom in her vagina and will the cat she meets know what to do with it? I can't very well be following my cat around everywhere, but I don't want to just hope I've taught it well enough and let it out on its own. You know how cats are. I don't want to let it go free, but I want it to be able to live its life too. What do you suggest? -- Brevin from Providence, Rhode Island


Dear Brevin:
You're right, you can't follow your cat around stalking it like it stalks a bird. You have to just let the cat learn its lessons by itself. Pussies are a stubborn bunch and they tend to do whatever they want. You just have to make sure you educate it about the dangers of STDs and other feline illnesses. They need to know it's a serious thing and not just some kind of empty threat you're using to scare them away from the real world. One more thing you should know is that Feline AIDS isn't only transmitted sexually. It can be contracted through bites and scratches and sharing needles just like human AIDS. The first step is educating yourself. You have to have the knowledge before your cat does. Hope this helped.


Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: "You Look Like a Steve..."

Everyone has had a moment in their life when they introduce themselves to someone and that person says "You look like a (your name)." People are always amazed by this perceived phenomenon and some people even believe some folks' names are preordained by fate. The problem with this is we never see an alternate universe where the person has a different name. In such a universe, their alternate name would probably seem just as suitable. The only times a person won't look like their name is if it's a White guy named Dyshon or a Black woman named Maximillion. If you see an Asian guy named Hector or a Hispanic guy named Mona, these would be rare examples of where someone doesn't look like their name. But as long as the name is gender and ethnically suitable then odds are ten times out of ten Steve will look like a Steve.


Hey you look like a Garrett.

Crazy Old Folgers Coffee Commercial From The Annals of Advertising


Folgers was advertising it to be so good that people were actually making love to it. Then they released a shocking bit of advice that people were reluctant to take seriously. They said you could eat the coffee. At the time people figured eating and insufflating the Folgers instant coffee crystals could benefit your health. This was one of the early medical myths debunked by doctors even before people realized smoking was unhealthy.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Are Nearly All Boats White?"

Having the bottom of the boat
painted a different color can
help visibility if your boat tips over.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Isn't it stupid to paint boats white? When they tip over and capsize in the ocean it's harder to find them because the foam on rough, stormy water is white too. Why would people paint their boat white when they could just paint them bright yellow or orange like a life vest? What are people stupid? -- Nancy from Atlanta, Georgia


Dear Nancy:
I think the main reason people have white boats is because they look nicer. When someone buys a yacht they usually buy it because of the status it represents and part of status is image so their image would be damaged a little if they were riding around in a yellow or orange or pink boat. People are so concerned with appearances that they'll risk making their boat harder to find in the ocean just to look cool like everyone else.


If a boat is going to travel through a lot of icebergs it's best to have that boat be painted black. Also it helps to have enough lifeboats for everyone aboard.

I'm still taking questions. Just submit them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 7 Worst Names to Give to a Baby Girl in 2014

Even if your baby literally
only has one eye. Naming
it One-Eye is still not a
good idea.
Giving birth to a baby is one of the most thrilling moments in a man's life, but even more important than giving birth is making sure the baby has a proper name. The thing about names is what's popular one year might not be popular the next so it's very tricky to pick a good name. Here are the top seven names you don't want to give a baby girl in the year 2014:


7. Waldo


6. Ennis


5. Rodney


4. One-Eye


3. DeAngelo


2. Ronald


And the number one worst name to give a baby girl in 2014 is...


1. Turk


Imagine a baby girl with any of these names and I think you'll agree these are the worst names you can give to a female baby in 2014. Who knows, maybe in the year 2020, Turk will be the most popular girl baby name in the world, but for right now it's not a good one. It might be difficult to pick out good names, but as long as you avoid these shitty ones you've got a better chance of finding a nice one.

Dumbass Sayings: "Beast Mode"

Everyone talks about "Beast mode" and how being a "Beast" is a positive thing. It's gotten to the point where people tell me my girlfriend is a beast and I don't know whether it's a compliment or an insult. I remember back in the old days when calling someone a beast was a bad thing. Somehow beasts made a positive name for themselves which would be great if there weren't still beasts out there doing awful things. You know when a tiger breaks out of his enclosure at the zoo and kills a bunch of people? Technically that's "Beast Mode." Not so righteous THEN is it, bro? Being a beast is actually a terrible thing and shouldn't be glorified. Molesters and criminals are beasts. We call them animals and scum, but those are basically synonyms for beast. You can't just assign different meanings to synonyms for the same word all willy nilly because of something people started saying at a gym somewhere.

Beast mode activated.

8.24.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: "What is the Point of Light Beer?"

A true alcoholic doesn't
care about calories.
Fear McDartnuggets: 
I keep seeing commercials for light beer and I just don't understand it. Who the hell wants beer with fewer calories? If you're drinking enough beer to be concerned with the caloric intake then there's a good chance you're a fat drunk in the first place and you wouldn't even care about how many calories were in the beer. Meanwhile if you're some skinny mofo drinking a beer every week then why would you care about the calories? Why not just enjoy a normal beer? It's not that many calories! I just don't get it. Can you explain to me please? -- Nadia from Denver, Colorado


Dear Nadia:
Well when you put it that way it doesn't really make sense. On the other hand, if you're drinking a bunch then you may as well switch to light beer since the taste won't really matter to you since you're poopfaced already. It's sort of a damage control tactic at that point.


Send your questions to my business email PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com