10.31.2014

The Top 10 Worst Things To Give Out To Trick-or-Treaters

No you can have ONE of each!
When deciding what to hand out to trick or treaters on Halloween there are definitely some serious do’s and don’ts. Passing out the wrong items can result in some very serious negative consequences or “tricks” as they call them for not only yourself but the costumed youngsters. Here are the top 10 things you shouldn’t be handing out for Halloween:


10. Popcorn ball
Who was the first person to think it was okay to give out popcorn on Halloween? I know popcorn is next to candy at the movie theater concession stand, but that doesn’t make it interchangable. If that was true you could give out pretzel bites on Halloween with little cups of melted cheese. At least dip your balls in caramel first, hold on that sounded weird.

You can't just put snacks in spherical form and think that's okay.


9. Raisins
Raisins may be sweet and promote a healthy digestive system, but unless they’re covered in chocolate and in a “Goobers” box you better forget about it. It’s just a chocolate-less version of a better item. That’s like just handing out wafers or nougat. Chocolate is key.

Sun-Maid: Disappointing children since 1912.


8. Good & Plenty
Good & Plenty is a classic candy, unfortunately they look and taste like birth control pills. But seriously, they do look too much like drug capsules which can lead kids who do enjoy licorice to associate goodness with narcotics. And for those who don’t like licorice, they’re just flat out disgusting. There are no positives here.

Ask your doctor if Good & Plenty is right for you.


7. Bag of stale cereal
I don’t care if you forgot Halloween was coming because you’re 80-years-old, don’t hand out baggies of old cereal. New cereal wouldn’t even be acceptable. If you’re planning to hand out bags of cereal just stay inside laying on the floor with the lights off and pretend to not be home.

Yeah thanks. I already had breakfast, old lady!


6. Bag of pennies
Another elderly person classic, except this is an even worse “treat” these days due to economic inflation. A bag of pennies is worth less than a turd basically. You may as well just shit in a zip loc and hand that to a kid. At least that’s somewhat of a thrill for them and a fun story to tell later on.

It's not 1912! You can't put a down payment on a house with a sack of pennies anymore, grandma!


5. Candy apple with razor blade inside
Candy apples with razors are always a big threat on Halloween. Some people like to hand them out just to spite those who say they’re an urban legend, but it’s just not worth the effort. Half the time you’re going to end up cutting yourself and you deserve it, you sick bastard.

First off you've gotta be a member of the dollar shave club or some shit to have that many razors.


4. Regular apple
A regular apple is actually worse than a candy apple with a razor. At least with a razor candy apple you can take it home and cut it open to remove the blade and enjoy a sweet tasty treat. That’s fun and exciting. It’s like disarming a bomb and then eating it too. A regular apple is just boring. Halloween ain’t about produce.

Saddest trick-or-treater ever.


3. Condoms
I know your heart may be in the right place giving out birth control to kids on Halloween and it’s not really hurting anyone, but it’s sending the wrong message. Most trick-or-treaters are too young to be sexually active anyway so you’re pretty much just handing them a choking hazard.

They may be literal "Life Savers" but that doesn't mean they can substitute for candy.


2. Bibles
Again, the heart is in the right place, but Halloween is a pagan holiday. This is the one time when everyone in the country collectively shuns Christianity and embraces evil. Let the pagans have their day, you’ve got the rest of the year to sell your stories.

If you leave a bowl of Bibles outside your house for trick-or-treaters you don't have to bother making a "Take only ONE Please" sign. No one listens to those.


And the number one worst thing to hand out on Halloween is…


1. Influenza
Yes, the flu. Not enough people keep this in mind during trick-or-treating, but Halloween is one of the biggest days of the year for the Flu. There’s no other day where people who might be sick put their hands all over candy and give it to kids who then throw that candy right down their gullets. Halloween is usually chilly which means people’s immune systems are weakened and children are at higher risk for flu anyway. At the end of the night those little pumpkin head buckets are just petri dishes filled with the germs of every person in town and those potential viral strains will be consumed very fast. There should probably be a special orange Halloween themed Purell that is fortified to kill Ebola. I’m surprised that hasn’t come out. What are the Purell people doing?

I hope those little pricks got their flu shots!

Dumbass Sayings: “Ass Backwards”

Sometimes when you’re doing something wrong like pushing rolling luggage in front of you instead of pulling it or breastfeeding a homeless person people will say “You’re completely ass backwards.” I have a big problem with this phrase. For starters, what’s the opposite of ass backwards? Ass forwards? Asses are meant to be backwards. That’s how asses come if you were one of the many lucky babies without a severe birth defect. If your ass is forwards then you need to have a serious corrective surgery because you’re probably shitting into your stomach. The key to a good saying is it should make sense one way or the other. When someone’s doing something right you would never congratulate them on being “ass forward.” If someone had an ass on their front, that would be the real “ass backwards.” You wouldn’t say they’re “nipples forward” either. This notion of linking an orientation with corresponding body parts is just bizarre and absurd. So basically “ass backwards” just means “backwards” and the ass part is thrown in there for no good reason. The only time someone should ever be told they’re “ass backwards” is when they’re wearing a thong the wrong way.

Looks like someone needs to shave their ass.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can People Tell When I’m Staring At Them?

When people can feel you
staring it means you're
doing it too hard.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why is it that every time I’m people watching with my binoculars it’s only a matter of time before the woman turns in my direction and sees me? It doesn’t matter how far away I am, I could be 100 yards away and it’s like she feels my eyes on her and turns. Then I see her dialing her phone and that’s when I run because I’m assuming she’s calling the cops and it ruins my whole day of people watching. What the hell is this? Is it like something from my eyeballs that’s causing this? Should I wear sunglasses? Is there something I can change to keep from being spotted? -- Nelson from Chesapeake, Virginia


Dear Nelson:
What you’re referring to is actually an evolutionary phenomenon that humans among other animals have. It’s called gaze detection. It’s sort of a sixth sense that lets a person know they’re being hunted. It’s what results in that feeling of being watched that people get. More often than not it’s just a hunch that people feel when they’re exposed in the open. They might get paranoid and start looking around then they see some weirdo in the distance with his pants down holding binoculars and they call the cops. I don’t think it has anything to do with how intensely you’re staring at someone. Unless you’re Cyclops from the X-Men sunglasses won’t help you. I would just recommend getting more powerful binoculars and staying farther away because the effect is stronger the closer you are to someone. I’m sure you’ve noticed how easily a woman can tell you’re staring at them when they’re simply walking up the stairs in front of you. It’s a proximity thing because you’re a more immediate predatorial threat when you’re closer.


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Dumbass Sayings: “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You”

There’s that famous song that goes “You’re nobody til somebody loves you” and I have no idea why people accept this notion. It’s a nice song, but this premise that you’re no one until someone loves you is completely ridiculous. First off, most people are loved as soon as they’re born. Even if they’re abandoned, they’re usually loved for at least a second before the mother realizes she can’t afford to care for the baby and puts them in a garbage can. They are someone which is why it’s wrong to leave them in a dumpster. Now if for some reason a baby isn’t loved by its mother then that’s truly messed up. That kid must feel bad enough without having Dean Martin tell them they’re a “nobody.”

The other thing that’s wrong about this saying is since nearly everyone is loved by someone then that’s nothing to brag about. Why even bother singing about it? It’s no accomplishment. It’s not true. You’re not someone just because someone loves you. It takes a little bit more than that to be a notable person in society. I think a better indicator of if you’re somebody is if you’re being impersonated by others. Not everyone has imitators, but if people are giving up their own lives to try and be you then that must mean you’re someone special. Impersonators don’t necessarily love you either, sometimes they just want your life, because you’re somebody.

I wonder what Plato would have thought about this philosophical proposition.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are My Dreams So Stupid?”

Not all dreams are created
equal.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Last night I dreamed I was in a grocery store counting radishes with Charles Barkley. There was nothing more to it. I was just standing next to Charles Barkley in the produce area of a Whole Foods, counting radishes for what felt like a solid four hours. The weird thing is, when I’m in the dream I think it does make sense. While I’m in the dream I feel like it’s important then I wake up and feel stupid. The other weird thing is I’m not even a fan of basketball. I barely even know who Charles Barkley is. Scientists say the reason we dream is to process information from the day and try to rest the brain and recouperate. What the hell does counting radishes with Charles Barkley have to do with that? How come none of my dreams ever make sense? Why are my dreams so damn stupid? -- Lenny from Rosemont, Illinois


Dear Lenny:
That is weird, but science doesn’t really know why we dream at all. They only have hypotheses. Dreams are a mystery. Some people try to assign meaning to the nonsense we dream. I personally don’t think dreams mean anything because there are dreams like yours which make absolutely no sense and can’t mean anything to anyone. What could your dream mean? I’m sure some people would say your dream about counting represents your subconscious fear of loss, but that seems like bullshit to me. Sometimes your dreams can be obvious representations of your fear and stress, but when it’s grocery store craziness with random NBA hall of famers you have to just give up and try to forget it ever happened.


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Dumbass Sayings: “Don’t Adjust Your Television”

There’s a new Taco Bell commercial that does the old bit where there’s static and distortion in the picture and a voice says “Don’t adjust your television.” This bit is completely played out and has no real effect anymore. Back in Andy Kaufman’s time it worked because people would see their picture all screwed up and try to adjust the problem on their actual TV set. These days no one adjusts their television at all. If something’s going wrong with your picture nowadays it’s usually the connection. It’s going to be a problem with the digital signal from your provider. Even if you wanted to “adjust” your television what the hell can you do? With old CRT TVs you could turn all sorts of knobs and flick switches and push buttons, slap it, punch it, kick it, put tin foil on it in different arrangements. With LED and LCD TVs these days there’s very little to adjust. The TV is going to do what it wants to do. TV’s are smarter than most people these days so this cliche thing of “Don’t adjust your television” should stop. It’s outdated, it makes no sense anymore, and it’s just lazy. Come up with a new idea for a commercial.

Don't adjust your TV, there's really a Native American meant to be there for no reason.

10.29.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Will A Mandatory Quarantine Really Dissuade Health Workers From Going To Africa?”

Is mandatory quarantine
really the answer?
Dear McFartnuggets: 
People be talking about how a mandatory 21 day quarantine for health workers returning from West Africa would dissuade American doctors from going over there to help. Are you serious? Are there really doctors out there who go “Hmm you know I wanna go over to West Africa into Ebola City and risk my life to spend weeks and months treating Ebola patients, but if I gotta stay at home for 21 days before I come back to make sure I don’t spread the virus to America then SCREW THAT!” To me that don’t seem right. Either you really care enough to go over there and help or you don’t. I don’t think taking a precaution to keep spreading the shit to America should stop you if you really want to help people so I don’t know why the fuck people talking about “A mandatory quarantine will dissuade health workers from going to West Africa.” People need to shut the hell up with that and put that mandatory quarantine in place! -- Abigail from Portland, Maine


Dear Abigail:
This whole issue boils down to trusting doctors. In fairness, we do trust doctors with a lot so why can’t we trust them to know when they’re posing a risk to other people? I suppose it all has to do with each individual doctor. Some doctors are smarter than others so I can understand the desire to impose a mandatory quarantine. When you’re dealing with a dangerous problem like Ebola, some smarter people have to suffer because of the dumber ones who go around bowling and riding subways when they come home from “Ebola City.” As for whether or not a mandatory quarantine would stop doctors from volunteering, I think it might. True, these doctors are taking weeks and months out of their normal schedules to treat Ebola so they must have a lot of free time, but 21 days at home by yourself can be daunting. To a hero who wants to be saving people and using their doctoring skills, 21 days doing nothing has to be torturous. So yeah I think it would stop some doctors, but it won’t stop all of them. Doctors ironically are like Ebola in that they can’t be stopped.


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Dumbass Sayings: “Full of Baloney”

When you tell ask an elderly woman out on a date and tell her she looks beautiful sometimes she says “Oh you’re full of baloney!” What does baloney intake have to do with credibility? I’m familiar with the term “full of shit” but “full of bologna?” Bologna might not be the purest of the lunchmeats, but it’s far from fecal matter. Well, maybe not THAT far, but it’s one of the top 5 top selling lunchmeats of the past generation so I think it deserves some respect. Why does consuming baloney make one deceitful? This isn’t proven by fact. I think this saying stems from the phrase “phony baloney” which sounds like an Oscar Meyer sex hotline. That’s another completely absurd saying that was probably started by children that has now permeated into adult culture. If someone says you’re full of baloney that’s basically just the adult version of someone calling you a “phony baloney.” No one should be calling anyone a “phony baloney.” Not only does it sound silly, but there’s just no hard science linking beef and pork sausage with any apocryphal or fraudulent behaviors or activity.

There are some fancy bolognas so I take it as a compliment.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Who WIll Give Birth To The Antichrist?”

Prophecy states an anti-
christ will appear to nibble
on the ear of Jesus.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Who do you think will be the two people to give birth to the antichrist? Will it be Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan? Shia LeBeouf and Amanda Bynes? Martha Stewart and Donald Trump? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? What about Chris Brown and Snooki? Or would it be two completely unknown people? -- Shem from Morrisville, PA


Dear Shem:
Assuming the Antichrist is a real thing, I would say Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus have the best chance at creating it. Whatever force in the world that keeps tragedies from happening is keeping them from hooking up. We need to prevent these two from procreating at all costs. Nothing good will come of that. I can tell something is wrong with those two because they’re starting to look the same. That’s definitely a sign the devil is at play. I don’t think the antichrist would come from unknown people, it has to be from two incredible forces of evil. That type of evil doesn’t really go unnoticed, it rises to fame and becomes idolized. Am I saying it’s 100% for sure going to happen? No, but this has to be the best educated guess on the subject.


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Ask McFartnuggets: “Does Time Go Forward or Back in Fall Daylight Savings?”

You heard em, get
your wife ready!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I always forget which way daylight savings time is supposed to go. They say “Spring forward” and “fall backward” so does that mean you gain an hour in spring so you get an extra hour of sleep and you have more pep in your step causing you to spring forward? And when you lose an hour of sleep in the fall you’re so tired the next day that you just want to “fall backward” into your bed? Which way is time supposed to go for the fall daylight savings time? -- Boris from Nashville, Tennessee


Dear Boris:
No that’s wrong. It is fall back, spring forward, but that has to do with the actual clock, not the way you feel when it happens. I can see how that might be confusing. For fall daylight savings the HOUR falls back so we get an extra hour to enjoy. Just keep in mind that just because the hour disappears, it doesn’t mean you can commit crimes and they don’t count. I made that mistake once. I thought I found a loophole where I anything I did in the split second before the clock went back wouldn’t exist and so I couldn’t be charged. That’s not the case. In spring we “spring forward” well WE don’t spring forward, the clock does. It’s all about the clock. Remember that and you won’t end up an hour early to work waiting around like a dumbass.


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Dumbass Sayings: “Counting Stars”

The phrase “counting stars” has been seen in the title and/or lyrics of more than one song lately and all I can do is wonder what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Counting stars sounds like something a cartoon does when it gets hit over the head with a frying pan. Maybe counting stars is something you do when you’re stumbling around drunk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Or maybe this is referring to literally counting stars in the sky. I’ll save you some time if that’s the case, there are 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy alone. Don’t bother counting all of them, that would take approximately 3,169 years and you’d have to keep counting nonstop. Why anyone would want to “count stars” makes no goddamn sense to me. You’re never going to get an exact count so why start something you mathematically can’t finish? Once you start counting it’s only a matter of how long you can go before giving up. There’s no MAYBE you’ll give up. You WILL give up. Counting stars is one of the most idiotic things a person can do and I have no idea why it’s in songs these days, but that must say a lot about the state of today’s popular music.

Yeah, good luck with that, dummy.

One of The First Toothpaste Commercials Ever Made


The biggest question this commercial raised at the time was “What does this even have to do with toothpaste?” This lady spews her nonsense about how she thinks you’re supposed to make a family and then throws the tooth cream in there at the end like an afterthought. In fairness to her, this was before they really knew how to make commercials properly. TV was still in its infancy and it shows. Still, a very interesting commercial to see.

10.27.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Does The Ghostbusters Theme Song Have a Hidden Meaning?”

Time to wash
the sheets.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
In the Ghostbusters theme song by Ray Parker Jr. there’s a lyric where he says “Bustin’ makes me feel good.” Is that really about busting ghosts or is he talking about something else. Could he be talking about masturbation? Because when you do that the sperms die and those are like millions of tiny pre-baby ghosts.


Dear :
That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read and I’m a big fan of Dr. Seuss. Now while I’ll admit maturbating constantly tends to negatively impact your life in much the same way being cursed by billions of microscopic ghosts would, there just isn’t enough evidence to support that claim. If anything Ray Parker Jr. was referring to the act of copulation with another human being. At the end of the day you can’t prove anything because busting ghosts does inherently feel good. Not good enough to do it for free apparently, but still, the Ghostbusters seemed to be enjoying themselves quite a bit even though it seemed like only one of them was getting laid. Clearly their positive demeanor was a result of the “busting” of apparitions and not sexual gratification.


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Dumbass Sayings: “Lather, Rinse and Repeat”

On your bottle of shampoo there’s a good chance you’ll see the phrase “Lather, rinse and repeat” in the instructions. The problem I have with this phrase “Lather, rinse and repeat” is if you literally followed these instructions you would waste entire bottles of shampoo for a single shower and never be done washing your hair. They need to be a little more specific and say “Lather and rinse, ONE MORE TIME or even two times MAX.” How about “Lather, rinse, and repeat, and rinse”? You can’t just lather rinse and repeat and lather rinse and repeat and lather rinse and repeat and lather rinse and repeat and lather rinse and repeat and lather rinse and repeat. You might be thinking “Why would people need that extra information? Isn’t it common sense to just lather, rinse, and repeat once more and then exit the shower?” It should be, but then again it’s in the instructions on a shampoo bottle. The INSTRUCTIONS ON A SHAMPOO BOTTLE. Clearly shampoo companies think people are dumb enough to require written steps for their product so why treat people like morons only to a point? If you’re going to condescend to people like that then just go the extra step and treat them like a complete idiot. You’ve already insulted my intelligence, the damage is done. Now the least we can do is keep people from clogging their drains with Head and Shoulders. Of course I’m sure that’s all part of the shampoo companies scheme to sell more product. I’m onto you, Big Shampoo. You better wash your ass, err-- WATCH your ass.

Maybe some people do need instructions on how to use shampoo. You're doing it wrong, ma'am!

The Top 3 Weirdest Ways To Cure The Hiccups

Stopping hiccups requires
science.
Hiccups might not be as big in the news as Ebola these days, but it still is a problem that everyone has to face at least once a month. Everyone has their own special remedy on how to cure hiccups from putting your head in a pregnant woman’s vagina to chugging goat urine. The weirder the method the more likely people are to believe it works. Well I can tell you those two methods don’t work. Here are the top 3 weirdest ways you can really cure the hiccups:


3. Breathe in as much air as you can and hold your breath for as long as possible.
It might look weird to breathe in deep and hold your breath with your cheeks all puffed out but this really does work. Hiccups are basically a spasm of the diaphragm so when you hold your breath and stop breathing it stops the spasms. Simply holding your breath won’t stop you from hiccuping which is why you need to breathe in as much air as possible so the pressure prevents the hiccups. Hold this for as long as you can and by the time you have to inhale the hiccups will likely be gone.


2. Pinch your nipples and scream at the top of your lungs.
This is one method you really want to do in private if possible. It’s potentially a way to get fired from your job. It’s also not the most comforting, but it is a nice stress reliever. You take each nipple in your thumb and forefinger and squeeze the dickens out of them while shrieking like a banshee. The screaming part actually comes quite naturally. The force of the air out of your lungs along with the shock of your nipples being in pain is usually enough to eliminate the hiccups.


And the number one weirdest way to cure the hiccups is…


1. Crap your pants
Speaking of things you don’t want to do at work, crapping your pants is one of them. Sure crapping your pants is an awful thing most people don’t want to do, but when was the last time you crapped your pants with the hiccups? Obviously your body can only do one of these at a time. I don’t know if it has to do with the physiology of defecation or just the sheer embarrassment and shock of messing yourself in public that keeps the hiccups to a minimum. Point is, it’s true until someone can prove it wrong.

When your sphincter is spasming your diaphragm can't.

10.26.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “What is it Called When You Get Possessed By A Demon Again?”

The key to an exorcism
is jazz hands.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Let’s say you get possessed by a demon, a priest is called and does an exorcism on you and frees the demon. You can’t be immune from demonic possession for the rest of your life after that. You must still be able to be possessed again. So when that happens is there a special name for that? Would they call that repossession? -- Hanna from Raleigh, North Carolina


Dear Hanna:
No, if it was repossession then instead of a demon they’d be possessed by a repo man. Also, I don’t think you can get possessed more than once. I’d assume that once a demon was vanquished from your soul it would leave an aftertaste behind that other demons would note in the future. Maybe the ghost of a dead repo man could re-possess a soul. However I think that would only happen if the target of the soul possession had given their soul as collateral in a deal with the devil. Then the demons could take back the soul using right of possession without invoking court proceedings. In this case Satan might place a lien on the soul to encumber the soul over time. In that case an equitable lien might be put in place to allow subrogation by the possessed. In these complex situations you usually need a priest and a lawyer to achieve a proper remedy.


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Dumb Product Names: “Emergen-C”

Emergen-C is a powdered vitamin C supplement owned by Pfizer and it has one of the worst names for a product. Yes it is a nice little pun, but it’s a complete mislabeling of the product. You don’t take this shit in an emergency. If you’re having a medical emergency you need to call 9-1-1. No one ever calls 9-1-1 and is told to “Take vitamin C.” I can’t believe they get away with this. Now you might be thinking “Well any idiot knows it’s not meant for real emergencies.” People have sued Kellogg’s for not having real fruit in their Froot Loops cereal. You might say “Well good, let morons die. That’s natural selection!” Hey, I care about stupid people. They’re people just like you and me. It’s the job of the educated to care for the morons and naming some vitamin supplement “Emergen-C” is just misleading. Why not have a vitamin D supplement named “D-Fribrillator” or a vitamin E supplement called “E-rection.” Those names are just as valid as “Emergen-C” except you’d have to be a complete idiot to think taking vitamin D would help you during a heart attack. On the other hand, it’s not out of the question to think vitamin C can substitute for a doctor. There have been studies that large doses of vitamin C can actually fight AIDS. People need to avoid overhyping vitamin C because it could cost lives and Emergen-C is at the forefront of that.


QUICK! SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN AN ORANGE!

The Top 10 Weirdest Names For A Grandpa To Have

Your grandpa should never
have a trendier name than you.
As the kids of hippies grow up into adults and older adults and eventually have grandchildren, you’re going to see a lot more grandparents with ridiculous names. I say ridiculous because they’re the types of names that are really only suitable for babies and children. These people had parents who did not have proper foresight and really only thought of a “baby name” as opposed to a “human” or “adult” name that could last a person their whole life. Here are the top 10 weirdest names for a grandpa to have:


10. Todd
Todd just sounds goofy. It’s less of a name and more of the sound someone makes when they’re choking on a piece of ham. Grandpa Todd just doesn’t sound right. I think it’s because the word toddler has Todd in it and toddlers are babies so it doesn’t work when attached to an old person.


9. Gavin
Gavin is a kids’ name and it would be higher on this list if it wasn’t for the alliteration. Grandpa Gavin doesn’t sound all that bad, but the idea of an elderly man named Gavin is terrible.


8. Ethan
Ethan isn’t really a grandfather’s name. It’s best suited for a teenager who skateboards a lot and huffs spray paint.


7. Kyle
Kyle is an older name that people have had a chance to get used to. You might know an old guy named Kyle by now. That being said it still doesn’t seem right when applied to someone with grey hair. It’s a classic surfer name. Maybe there are Grandpa Kyles but they’re 40 in a trailer park with their 25 year old kids.


6. Landon
Landon is arguably not a good name for a baby, child, or adult. It’s an English name that means “From the long hill.” Why would you ever name a kid that? What worthwhile symbolism could that possibly hold?


5. Caleb
Grandpa Caleb. Just say that to yourself. That’s now how life is supposed to work. You’re supposed to have Grandpa Frank’s and Grandpa George’s.


4. Lucas
If you have a grandpa named Lucas you probably call him Grandpa Luke because that at least sounds a little credible. Actually, no. It doesn’t. It sounds like a pothead who makes hemp rope necklaces.


3. Aiden
Aiden is a name with some history and if you’re Irish or Scottish you probably have Grandpa Aidens walking around. In America however, that’s still going to take awhile to get used to since it’s more of a trendy hipster name at this point.


2. Cameron
Lucas, Cameron, Landis, Scorsese, basically if you have a famous director’s last name as a first name it’s hard to take you seriously.


And the number one weirdest name for a grandpa is...


1. Jayden
I just can’t get used to grandpas named Jayden. Something is going to happen to these kids. Nature won’t allow them to grow into elderly people. Jayden is not an adult’s name. It’s just not.

10.25.2014

Top Top Five Places to Avoid So You Don't Get Ebola

Right now avoiding Ebola
is a luxury for most people.
With the threat of an Ebola pandemic looming it’s important to make sure you do what you can to not catch it. Experts say you shouldn’t change your daily life because of Ebola, but there are some things you can avoid to greatly reduce your chances of exposure to this frightening virus. Here are the top 5 places to avoid in case Ebola begins spreading quickly:


5. Subways
I mean subway transportation AND the sandwich store. People think Subway sandwiches are clean because the artists wear gloves, but you're making the assumption they’d take the gloves off to pick their ass. I doubt it. And we all know actual subways are just giant moving Petri dishes with a brand of Hepatitis for each line. There's Hepatitis A, B or if you want symptoms faster get the express on the C train.  Subway cars and platforms are basically just bodily fluid canvasses for the filthiest of humans.

Subways are rarely cleaned though they are sprayed down nightly by homeless people.



4. Restaurants
Like Subway restaurants, you might want to avoid eating out when Ebola comes around. You never know who’s handling your food. People who work in food preparation are usually not going to take days off if they feel a little sick and one drop of sweat in your dish could mean you end up in quarantine for a month. You definitely want to avoid any West African cuisine until Ebola dies down.

Try to avoid any of the all-you-can-eat buffets.


3. Gyms
Speaking of sweat, gyms and “health centers” are basically like sweat factories. Think of Ebola like AIDS that you can get from sweat. That would be the equivalent of walking into a gym and seeing everything and everyone soaked in blood. The optics of that would be a little more threatening than with sweat. People tend to be a little more ignorant of that because sweat is transparent. You have to avoid being too lax when it comes to other people’s sweat.

People don't workout dressed like this anymore so your exposure to their sweat is much higher.


2. Hospitals
It might seem weird, but avoiding hospitals is one of the best things you can do to keep from getting Ebola. If you’re healthy, don’t visit anyone or hang around emergency rooms for fun. During the height of flu season a lot of people are going to be vomiting everywhere and getting diarrhea all over hospitals and one of those people might have Ebola and not know it. Doctors are among the highest at risk for Ebola too so you’re going to want to stay away from those freaks unless you’re really sick.

Most hospitals aren't even prepared to treat Ebola.


And the number one place to avoid to keep from getting Ebola is...


1. Public Bathrooms
A big deal is made about how you can only get Ebola through contact with bodily fluids. Well, public bathrooms are basically dens of many people’s bodily fluids. Everywhere you turn there will be bodily fluids. On the sink, on the toilet, on the mirror, on the door knobs, on the paper towel dispenser, etc. Most people don’t use public restrooms unless it’s an emergency, but even in an emergency you might want to bypass public bathrooms altogether. If Ebola hits its stride it might actually be better to shit your pants in public than subject yourself to the risks that a public bathroom holds.

It's probably better to just have your own litter box with you at all times to use in a pinch.