2.28.2015

Dumbass Sayings: "I Wouldn't Sleep with You if You Were The Last Man on Earth!"

When you're having dinner with a lady and you ask her if you can to back to her place and "get the party started" she will sometimes say "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!" Well that's a very interesting scenario. First off, no turn down should involve the portrayal of a dystopian future. There's just no reason to go there. No sexual rejection should include the prospect of a deadly extinction level pandemic, zombie apocalypse, or sentient military drones. But I'll humor you. Let's pretend I am the last man on earth. If I'm the last man on earth then I'm gonna be getting some action one way or another. I won't need you! I'm sure there will be plenty of other attractive ladies who will want to help continue humanity with me. I'm assuming this because the decision not to would be insane. You said if I was the last man on earth you didn't say if we were the last two people on earth. Next time phrase your insults properly.

Okay, have fun banging goats! Though, I have to admit, this goat does seem charming.

5 Helpful Tips Before Giving Birth To A Food Baby

By now we’ve all heard the term “food baby” used to describe a large portion of digested food that causes distension of the belly and looks like a fully developed fetus. When you impregnate yourself with a food baby, the pregnancy will generally last around 24 hours before birthing pains begin and you go into full labor. Before this magical moment you will need to prepare for a successful birth. Here are the top 5 things to keep in mind before your “water” breaks:


1. Avoid spicy foods
Spicy foods can irritate your digestion and lead to a premature food baby. That's not good. The food baby will likely come out deformed with developmental issues. Not to mention the birthing process will be very painful. You may need to apply a local anesthesia.

Taco Bell can be a great way to induce food baby birth.


2. If the food baby is too big you may want to find a midwife.
If you're struggling with a giant food baby then it helps to have someone with you to hold your hand and say supportive things to give you the strength to have a great birth.

There's never a good reason to have an old lady that close to your squatter.


3. Don't waste your time with a silent birth.
When it comes to birthing a food baby some people think it's important to be as silent as possible to avoid disturbing the baby. I say forget all that. Make all the noises you want. A lot of the noise of food baby birth are farts which help the baby slide out.

Hopefully you don't have an arm growing out between your titties.


4. Take lamaze classes.
Taking a lamaze class before birthing a food baby is very helpful. Nailing down a nice breathing technique is key to a successful food baby birth. It's just important not to tell people you're at their lamaze class to prepare for a food baby. They may take offense to that.

Not sure what's happening here... Not sure I want to know.


5. Do NOT eat the placenta.
Some people think it's healthy to eat the placenta after a birth. Well when you're dealing with a food baby birth that is definitely not the case. You will likely get very sick consuming any of the "afterbirth."

Food baby aftermath is never a pretty sight.


So there you have it, follow these five tips and you’re very likely to have a successful food baby birth. Congratulations on the pregnancy and GOOD LUCK!

You must be so proud! Congratulations on the food baby!

Dumbass Sayings: “There is No Such Thing as a Stupid Question”

Sometimes when you start off a sentence that says “This might sound like a stupid question,” the other person will say “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” Then you say “Are you sad right now?” and they say “I just told you my family died in a car accident. So yes… What are you a moron?”  WHOA WHOA WHOOAAAAAAA! I just thought you said there were no stupid questions. Strange how quickly people flip their stance on that statement. That would be because there ARE stupid questions. There can be incredibly stupid questions. The only reason this saying should ever be used is to encourage children to learn or to help people who are new at a dangerous job with a lot of machinery. Obviously children are chock full of stupid questions, but you have to just answer them so that their minds can learn. If there’s a new guy at the fireworks factory he might want to ask something dumb about smoking indoors, but if he feels like it’s too stupid and he doesn’t want to be embarrassed that might lead to a very severe explosion. When children grow up, at a certain point they’re expected to get the majority of stupid questions out of their system so by 30-years-old or so, unless they’re working in a steel mill, there really are such things as stupid questions. People need to know this.

For example, "Should I let my dog drive me home from the bar again?" would be a stupid question.

2.27.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can Women Get Happy Endings?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve heard all about how men can pay extra to Chinese women at massage parlours to get “happy endings” where their forbidden zones are stimulated to release. Is it possible for women to get happy endings too? P.S. Keep up the good work! -- Johanna from Palm Springs, California


Dear Johanna:
Thank you for that. I’m fairly certain you could work something out if the price was right. There would only be a few hurdles to jump over. The first one would be, how exactly are you going to be massaged as a woman? When I go there it’s fairly obvious what needs to be massaged, at least I’d like to think so, but when you’re a woman there are more than one ways to skin a cat. Will you be scissoring? Will there be a dildo involved? All these things can complicate matters when there’s a language barrier. Meanwhile, a simple HJ is a subtle, non-verbal activity which is how this has become so popular. Secondly, you don’t see that many Chinese lesbians around so I’m not so sure how they feel about that kind of thing in general. You might luck out and get a lesbian or bisexual, but culturally speaking they must be a little conservative on that kind of stuff. Keep in mind, I’m only talking about Chinese massage parlors here, I’m sure when you’re getting a massage from an American woman it’s no problem at all.

Happy endings don't have to be gender specific.


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Five Occupations That Discriminate Against the Obese

In the 21st century many strides have been made for fat persons' rights. However, there are still many hurdles for the obese community to deal with. One of those hurdles is discrimination in the workplace as well as discrimination when it comes to finding work in the first place. Believe it or not there are still a few jobs out there that really discriminate against the obese. These occupations and their respective companies need to be called out for their discrimination and hopefully we can make a force for change.


1. Exotic dancer
There’s always one larger lady at a strip club to satisfy people who enjoy a larger woman, but she’s usually in “plus size model” territory, never “How the hell are those heels supporting her bodyweight?” territory. Those ladies are rarely hired, specifically because of the heels thing which is messed up. They should be able to go barefoot if they want.

Sadly, we're not in Greece during the 2nd century BC and people discriminate against overweight strippers.


2. NASCAR driver
A lot of people focus on how there are pretty much no Blacks, Hispanics, or Asians in NASCAR, but what about the obese? No, you’ll never see an obese person in NASCAR because the driver always climbs through the driver’s side window to get in and out of the car. For some reason there are no doors that open. Talk about being inaccessible to the obese.

Your FACE can be fat, but you still have to fit in the damn car.


3. Porn star
There are literally thousands of porn categories online and a lot of them do feature larger women, but what about obese men? I think Ron Jeremy is the only out of shape man allowed to do porn and he’s been grandfathered in. I’m not saying I want to see obese men in porn, but there is obviously some blatant discrimination going on here. You rarely see a non-homemade porno of two obese people making love. They don’t get that star treatment.

If you want ladies carrying a few extra dozen pounds on them usually you have to be more specific in the search terms.


4. Ballet dancer
If Chris Farley taught us anything it’s that the morbidly obese can be as graceful or even more so than the skinniest of people. Despite this, you will rarely see any ballet dancers who qualify as “obese.” Ballet is supposed to be art and art is art, if shouldn’t matter how heavy the artist is.

Human feet bones can only handle so much weight.



5. Skydiving instructor
For some reason you never really see obese people skydiving. It’s not like they fall faster than an average sized person. Maybe the parachutes aren’t strong enough. Regardless, skydiving instructor is not an equal opportunity position.

Maybe if the obese person was in front that could provide some cushion if the parachute failed.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Is The Meaning of Life?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
You probably get asked this a lot, but what is the meaning of life? Why are we here alive on this planet? Who put us here? For what purpose? Do you know? -- Lindsie from Paterson, New Jersey

Dear Lindsie:
This may come as a surprise to you, but I do not know the meaning of life. I do however have a pretty good idea how we could find out though. If it were up to me, I would give Professor Stephen Hawking magic mushrooms. Why would I do this? Well when people take magic mushrooms their brain basically explodes and expands like the universe. This can lead to even the most idiotic hillbilly thinking some incredibly profound thoughts. I would be very excited to hear what Stephen Hawking, (a genius who has almost figured out the meaning of life while sober) would have to say after some magic mushrooms. Well he wouldn’t say it, he would type it with his eyes and an eye tracking software, but you get what I mean. I think the fact that this hasn’t been tried is very telling. Maybe we don’t want to truly know the answer. As much as we think we want to know, maybe being left to wonder is better than being given an answer we can’t handle yet. Still, I think it would be pretty cool if they gave him psilocybin on live TV and broadcasted all of his reactions.

What would happen if you put Stephen Hawking in an isolation tank? Hmm... At the very least you'd have a great reality show.

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2.26.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “You Shouldn’t Have”

When you give someone a gift sometimes they say “You shouldn’t have.” This is a really rude thing to say to someone. It basically translates to “Why did you do this?” When people say “You shouldn’t have” you can tell they don’t really want the gift. The way you can tell is because when a guy gives a woman a diamond ring, if she’s happy about it, she rarely ever says “You shouldn’t have.” If you give a child a gift on their birthday they don’t say “You shouldn’t have!” They just rip the present open and enjoy it because they’re actually enjoying the moment. When someone says “You shouldn’t have” they’re not enjoying the moment of the present, they’re more concerned with you spending money on them and they’re uncomfortable with that idea. If someone gives you a gift you don’t want just do your best to say “Thank you” in a convincing way and leave it at that.

I put a lot of work into this mask, asshole.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Elderly People Waste So Much Time?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
It seems like whatever store you go into there’s always an elderly person arguing at a cash register over a penny difference in a price with their expired coupons and wasting everyone’s time. Why do these elderly people do this? Don’t they realize they’re elderly? I wanna go up and say “Ma’am you do realize you probably only have like a week left TOPS... Why you wasting precious moments with this bullshit?“ I don’t get it. They of all people should be trying to move as fast as possible to get the most out of life. They should be trying to wring every last second out as quickly as possible instead of just letting the rest of their life slowly drip out into nothing. Why? I ask you WHY are they so insistent on wasting time with trivial ass minutia? -- Dreyvon from Cincinnati, Ohio

Dear Dreyvon:
What you need to understand is that as the brain and body ages, everything naturally slows down. You can’t blame elderly folk for their lack of precipitancy because in most cases they’re simply not capable of a normal pace. Hurrying around and squeezing as much life as you can out of a day is for the young. That’s when you have the energy to do that. You rush when you’re young because you don’t know if tomorrow is going to come. When you’re super old, tomorrow already came and you’ve got no real reason to be in a hurry. You have the misconception that as time becomes more limited it automatically becomes more valuable. You’d think that would be the case, but as you get older time actually loses value because each day you get older and your body and mind deteriorate a little more. This continues until one day you either become a starved prisoner in a dried up husk of a human body or you die, either way not positive outcomes.

Old people feel cold all the time because they're constantly chillin!

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Dumbass Slogans: “Obey Your Thirst”

Sprite soft drink’s slogan is “Obey your thirst.” That’s pretty general advice. You really don’t have a choice when it comes to obeying your thirst. Either you obey it and you drink fluids or you don’t and die of dehydration. “Obey your thirst” is a different and unique way of saying something that has never actually needed to be said. It’s actually the first half of a complete thought that is “Obey your thirst, or you’ll die.” It’d be like a company that manufactures toilets saying “Obey your bowels.” Also, if I think if your thirst had a true say in the matter it would simply request regular water or possibly Gatorade. Drinking a carbonated beverage is really not the ideal solution for thirst. The way you can tell is you never see people chugging Sprite during an athletic contest. That would be a really bad idea, you’d become all gassy and bloated. Farting during a slam dunk attempt might help you get some rocket propulsion if you were bare assed, but even then it would be minimal. If there’s a reason to drink Sprite it would to be obey your taste buds. Obeying your taste buds is actually optional so that would probably be a more logical slogan.

It's pretty difficult not to obey your thirst.

2.25.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Stop Getting Skidmarks on My Underpants?

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I live a pretty decent life, I have a great job, a loving husband, and a family that adores me. The only thing I haven’t figured out is how to stop getting skidmarks on my underpants. I know I should wipe better, but I have a very sensitive craphole so rubbing it too hard cracks the skin and that leads to even worse issues that skidmarks. Still, the shitstains are the one negative in my life and I’d really like your help in trying to fix this situation. Appreciate the help! -- Linda from Glens Falls, New York

Dear Norman:
I see your dilemma. I would recommend using a bidet or a handheld ass sprayer to powerwash your shithole. Water should be less abrasive to your third eye than toilet paper. Just make sure you’re using distilled water, you don’t want any minerals in there otherwise it’ll be like you’re fracking your anus which obviously will cause some fissures over time the same way it does with limestone. If for some reason you’re still having issues I recommend wearing black underpants. It doesn’t truly solve the problem, but hey, out of sight out of mind. If you get a shitstain in the middle of the woods in black underpants when no one is around, did it ever really happen? I say no. And if by some chance none of that is not working my last piece of advice would be to gain extra weight so your butt gets bigger. One of the few benefits to a really a deep asscrack so your buttflesh creates a canyon for the crap remnants to be cradled and held instead of pushed right out into the undies. Good luck, Linda!

Eating Taco Bell while wearing briefs is the skidmark equivalent of doing donuts.

Ask me your questions by sending them PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and make sure to include your first name and write “Dear McFartnuggets” in the subject.

Dumbass Sayings: “No Hobo”

Sometimes a young person will come up to you on the sidewalk and say “Yo, man lemme get a dollar so I can pay for something to eat, no hobo.” People think that by simply saying the phrase “no hobo” after a sentence it doesn’t matter how homeless what they just said sounded they should not be deemed homeless. What they’re not realizing is saying “no hobo” actually makes me less willing to give you the money. Most people want to help the homeless because it’s messed up that there are homeless people out there who don’t have a place of their own to sleep at night. If you’re just some punk kid asking for a dollar then you should go ask your parents or get a loan from your friends. Those are some serious benefits that homeless people don’t have. Also, unless the kid is wearing “distressed clothing” from Kanye West’s new ADIDAS fashion line, it’s pretty apparent they’re not homeless. You rarely see homeless teenagers for whatever reason which is good, but just another reason they don’t need to be saying “no hobo.” It’s just a sign of how hobophobic people are becoming. Is it even legal for two hobos to get married these days? You never see that. They have the right to be happy just like anyone else.

Using language like this makes hobos feel bad about themselves when they shouldn't be.

Dumbass Sayings: “Poster Child”

Sometimes when you pay all your car insurance bills on time you consider yourself “The poster child of paying car insurance payments on time.” How did “poster child” become a term that people use? Think about that. What is a “poster child” exactly? I would assume that it’s a child on a poster, which begs the question: who has posters of children? That’s just disturbing. The only poster of a child I can fathom being acceptable is a “Home Alone” movie poster of Macaulay Culkin in his iconic hands slapped on his face moment. There may be a few more examples that escape me, but generally speaking it’s not okay to have posters of kids. Why would you? Who wants to look at kids all the time? Even if they’re you’re own you get tired of seeing them so what chance would a stranger child have? Plus, Michael Jackson probably had that “Home Alone” poster up somewhere in his house so maybe I was even wrong about that being okay. Even if this became a popular phrase a long time ago, it was never cool to have posters of children. It’s not even cool to have posters of adults anymore. Imagine having a random poster of Shaquille O’Neal in your house staring at you all the time. A couple decades ago that would have been fine, but this is 2015. No one has posters anymore. This should not be a current phrase. There should be no such thing as poster children. And paying your bills on-time doesn’t make you worthy of a special title anyway. In the immortal words of Chris Rock, “Whatchu wanna cookie?!”

The modern day equivalent would be a "Fathead kid," but that sounds more like a derogatory term for a child with a birth defect.

2.24.2015

Wacko Banned Toothpaste Commercial From Yesteryear



In this commercial a woman actually throws the product they’re advertising in the garbage. Then sexistly, she misses the throw and winds up damn near killing a random Hispanic man.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do They Call Them Underpants?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why is it they call underwears “underpants” when it’s clearly just one piece of cloth. I can understand when people use the word “pants” to describe a single pair of pants because it’s a pair of pant legs so when they’re attached you call those “pants.” Underpants ain’t like that though so why the hell do people pluralize that shit? If someone asks you to bring a pair of underpants do they mean one or two? Is this not an appalling exercise in logical fallacy? -- DeQuan from Detroit, Michigan

Dear DeQuan:
That’s a good point you raise, DeQuan. If I were to play devil’s advocate and try to defend the term “underpants” it would be that people are assumed to have multiple pairs. You should never a single underpant so perhaps people view “underpants” as a collective entity of all your crotchal undergarments. Of course I am merely proposing this as a possible explanation. I agree with you that it doesn’t make much sense. People prefer to generalize all underwear as “pants” as opposed to having two separate broad terms (“underpants” and “underpant”) to take into account boxers/boxer briefs and tighty whities/panties respectively. If someone asked me to bring a pair of underpants I’d assume they meant one, but I would bring two just in case. That is confusing, you’re right.

Just one pair of underpants on barbed wire would give you the indication something horrible has happened, but a bunch and you know it's just a hillbilly family doing their laundry.

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Dumbass Sayings: "Heavens To Betsy"

Sometimes when the old lady receptionist at work accidentally walks in on you masturbating in the stairwell she screams "Heavens to Betsy!" What kind of thing is this to say? What does that even mean? You're establishing a communication between heaven and a woman named Betsy? Who is Betsy? Betsy Ross? Meanwhile “Betsy” is thinking, "I said my name was Margaret!" If you said "Heavens to Margaret" that might make sense since Margaret has said "Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret." I think the lines of communication got mixed up there somehow. Perhaps the ink on God’s letter smudged and the name “Jesus” looked more like “Betsy.” What has Betsy done to deserve the honor of a direct communique from a holy paradise? I’m not that familiar with the Bible but I’m pretty sure there’s no “Book of Betsy” in there.

All you really needed to get into Heaven back then was a stool or a chair to stand on.

2.23.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Would Anyone Watch That ‘Boyhood’ Movie?

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Everyone’s talking about this movie “Boyhood” where the director Richard Linklater filmed a boy over the course of 12 years to show the story of a kid growing up. Why is that interesting to anyone? I have nephews I could give a rat’s ass about and those are real people going through real problems. Why would I pay $10 or more to watch some crappy movie about a fake kid when I could just pick a kid at random in my neighborhood and watch them grow up over the years for real? Everyone puts their entire life on social media anyway so it’s not difficult to follow the progress of people even kids. What’s so special about watching a boy grow up? They’re everywhere. How is watching a movie about a fake boy any less creepy than the real deal? -- Madison from Roanoke, Virginia

Dear Madison:
The story of a boy growing up is very boring and pointless, but what they did with “Boyhood” was unprecedented from a filmmaking standpoint. No one has ever wasted that much of their time to make a movie before so it’s pretty noteworthy. It’s basically the cinematic version of one of those “one photo every day for a whole year” videos you see on YouTube. That said, while it does feel silly to watch a movie about a fake boy that you don’t know growing up, it’s probably a thousand times more awkward to watch a real boy growing up, not to mention the potential restraining orders that might be brought against you by the family. The nice thing about “Boyhood” is it takes 12 years and compresses it into a couple of hours. To actually watch a child grow up or even make one yourself to watch it grow up will take more than 12 years and you’ll feel every single day of it if you’re lucky and that just sucks.

If you try to film your own version of "Boyhood" get ready for plenty of these.

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The Top 5 Signs You’re Addicted To Caffeine

Caffeine is arguably the most popular drug on Earth and it’s also one of the most morally acceptable. Because of this it’s rather easy to become addicted and not know it. Here are the top 5 signs you’re addicted to caffeine and might have a drug problem:


5. You snort crushed up caffeine pills.
When folks are looking for a quick boost and they’re too poor to buy cocaine they will often crush up caffeine pills and insufflate them. Some people actually call it “hillbilly cocaine.” Many people in medicine will tell you it’s very unhealthy to snort caffeine pills, like it’s healthy to snort ANYTHING. But yeah, caffeine pills aren’t meant to be snorted so there’s lots of extra crap in them that can irritate your sinuses.

It's generally not a good idea to snort any kind of pills.


4. People ask you if you have Parkinson’s.
The thing about caffeine is that it has the tendency to make you jittery. The other thing is if you’re addicted then your withdrawal symptoms will also include jitters. So basically if you’re addicted to caffeine you’re going to be jittery as hell one way or another. Maybe if this was the 30’s it’d be a little more acceptable, but no one dances the jitterbug anymore.

If people are making a lot of tasteless Michael J. Fox references at your expense then you know something's wrong.


3. You buttchug 5-Hour Energy or Four Loko.
If you’re a true caffeine addict then you’ve noticed how conveniently sized 5-Hour Energy bottles are for buttchugging aka “5-Hour Enemas.” While incredibly ergonomic and properly sized for this activity, it’s ironically very unnatural to do and highly dangerous. You might think it’s a smart way to subvert the taste of that crap, but it’s actually very dumb to pour it into your anus. Four Loko is probably ten times worse. How your anus can even survive such an activity is a miracle.

If you buttchug Four Loko you have a very deadly serious problem.



2. When your child wakes you up covered in blood asking to go to the hospital you say “Not til I’ve had my morning coffee!”
You know you’re addicted to caffeine when the only words out of your mouth are “Not til I’ve had my next coffee.” When you’re just moving from coffee to coffee you know something is wrong. If you can’t enjoy the time in between hits then you have a drug problem. Those are the moments when your life is supposed to occur.

Not until I've put on my giant Carnac the Magnificent hat!


And the number one sign you’re addicted to caffeine is...


1. You’ve attempted to freebase instant coffee crystals.
It is possible to isolate raw caffeine in its crystalline form and smoke it, but this is really foolish to do. Caffeine is meant to be ingested orally so anytime you divert off that path and start snorting, buttchugging, smoking, or injecting it then that’s a sign you’re building a severe tolerance and it won’t stop until you’re in seriously bad shape.

You gotta get that good shit.

If you have experienced any of these examples then I suggest you work on quitting caffeine immediately. Don’t let society tell you it’s one of the “good” drugs. That’s just Big Caffeine trying to pull another life into the murky java filled shadows of death.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Which Came First The Chicken or The Egg?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I want to know the answer to the classic question “What came first, the chicken or the egg? Thank you in advance! -- Neil from Albequerque, New Mexico

Dear Neil:
This is a question that has confounded mankind for a very long time. Fortunately there’s a very easy answer to it and that is: the chicken. It’s a rather obvious conclusion to arrive at seeing as how eggs are incapable of having orgasms. Chickens on the other hand (roosters specifically) do ejaculate sperm into the hen during chicken intercourse. The tricky part to this question is that an egg actually becomes a chicken so one day the egg will cum but it will be in chicken form when it does so. If you’re just timing a chicken and an egg then the chicken is the clear winner of that race. I really don’t know why people are so confused about this.

This is actually also the answer to the other famous question “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Obviously it’s trying to achieve orgasm with a hen across the street. Why does anyone do anything? Of course it’s all related to sex. They need to make eggs! Without the intercourse, questions like this wouldn’t even exist. Basically the chicken crossed the road so that one day people could ask each other which came first, the chicken or the egg? Meanwhile they should be asking who came first the rooster or the hen? Sadly, hens are still fighting for their civil rights and roosters don’t really pay much mind to whether or not they make their hen orgasm. In that regard they’re a slightly behind humans. If anyone ever asks, women came before chickens.

Obviously if a chicken orgasms while it's laying an egg we know what the answer is.

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2.22.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Burn Victim”

Sometimes people at work say “The boss’ son is coming in today, just be careful not to look at him funny, he’s a burn victim.” What kind of horsecrap term is that? These people aren’t “victims” they’re survivors. You wouldn’t call someone who was attacked by a great white shark and lived a “Shark victim.” When you live through a dangerous situation like that you’re supposed to be called a survivor. If it wasn’t big enough of a fire for someone to be considered a “survivor” then odds are they weren’t burned that badly and you don’t even need to bother with the title. Why do these people need to be labeled at all? We know what happened to them. It’s obvious by looking at them. That doesn’t necessitate a special title. It’s like calling someone a “Pimpleface” or a “Weird nose.” You’re just stating the obvious and assigning an identity to these people before you even know anything about them. It would be unacceptable in “Pimpleface” and “Weird nose’s” case so why is it okay when it’s “burn victim”?

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor damnit!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Fans of Bad Sports Teams Wear Paper Bags Over Their Heads?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come when a sports team is really bad and losing all their games you see fans in the crowd wearing paper bags over their heads with the eyeholes cut out? What’s the point of that? If the team is that bad and you don’t want anyone to see you’re there why even show up to the game? Why would anyone subject themselves to that unenjoyable task of paying to watch a shitty team, plus the apparent embarrassment of being there to necessitate a bag over your head? No one’s going to recognize these people anyway! I say use plastic next time, don’t cut any holes, and just put yourself out of your misery! -- Sophia from New Haven, Connecticut

Dear Sophia:
Wearing a paper bag over your head with eyeholes cut out is not meant to be a practical behavior. It’s meant to be a humorous display of your dissatisfaction of your favorite team’s performance. If there was truly a situation where you were trying to hide your face then yes it would be much easier to just not walk into an arena full of people. If you really were that ashamed of a team you wouldn’t show up. These fans clearly still care and enjoy the team and sport enough to continue to pay for a ticket so you can’t take it seriously. It’s not meant to be a logical, thought out decision, it’s just a way fans cope with a failing team.

Apparently shame is also a great way to treat hyperventilation.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Stand Down”

Sometimes when you’re held hostage in a bank robbery the robbers will barricade the entrance. When the cops attempt to enter to rescue everyone, a robber will grab you by the neck and press you up against the front window with a gun to your head and screams “I’LL DO IT! I’LL FREAKING DOO ITTTT!” When this happens you’ll usually hear one of the cops yell to his squadron “STAND DOWN! STAND DOWN!” All you can think when you hear this is “Really?” Stand down? What the hell is that supposed to mean? You mean “SIT”? I think that’s what they mean to say, after all “sit” is an order. The reason they probably don’t use it is because it’s an order people yell at dogs and they don’t want to be compared or seen as dogs. It’s a shame because “sit” is obviously a syllable shorter than “stand down” so it would be quicker to say and in high stakes, high pressure situations like a hostage about to be killed, brevity in command would probably behoove us all.

Stand down, Mr. T.

2.21.2015

The Top 5 Worst Times To Say “Pics or It Didn’t Happen!”

One of the most popular sayings with the youth these days is “Pics or it didn’t happen!” Usually people say this when someone makes a tremendous claim or tells an amazing story that is otherwise unbelievable without photographic proof. It’s a nice way to verify that someone’s actually telling the truth because of course you should always believe everything you see… But there are some times when this saying is completely inappropriate. Here are the top 5 worst times to say “Pics or it didn’t happen!”



5. When someone tells you someone broke their camera.
If someone tells you an outrageous story about how they saw Rosie O’Donnell and wanted to take a picture with her and Rosie threw their phone on the ground you can’t say “Pics or it didn’t happen” because there would be no way to take a photo. This is why you have to be very wary of phone/camera breaking stories.

You're trying to catch someone in a lie, not pose them a riddle.



4. When someone’s talking about their hemorrhoids.
When a coworker is going on and on about their battle with hemorrhoids the last thing you want to say is “Pics or it didn’t happen!” Trust me. I’ve made that mistake before just because I thought it would make the conversation a little more interesting and boy did it ever!

It's like sticking a sea urchin up your ass!



3. When someone tells you they slept with your mother.
A lot of times in life you’ll encounter someone who claims to have had sexual intercourse with your mother. A lot of the times they’re lying, some of the times they’re telling the truth, either way you don’t want to really see photos of what happened. It’s best to go right to the source and ask your mother if you really need verification.


The apple didn't fall far from the tree there.



2. When someone tells you their grandma died.
There are always those moments in life where a friend comes to you in a time of pain and tells you that their grandmother has just passed away. If the person is the type that needs attention all the time then you might be worried they’re lying. Asking them for pics of their dead grandma is not the best way to handle that worry. In that case you just comfort them as best you can and if it’s a lie then that’s on them. Don’t put it on you by asking for pics.


People tend to only want to share photos of their grandma when she wins awards or does something other than die.




And the number one worst time to say “Pics or it didn’t happen!” is...




1. When someone tells you they were sexually assaulted.
I shouldn’t really have to explain this one. It’s like a combination of the dead grandma one and the sleeping with your mother one plus a third factor which is the act of sexual assault. You just don’t ask for pics no matter how often people can lie about this. Leave that up to the police.

What sick bastard would be taking a photo of this?