Ask McFartnuggets: "Jerk at Work Whistles Too Much" and "What Does The Pope Do in His Spare Time?"

Dear McFartnuggets: I work at an ice cream store where we make some of the freshest, best tasting handmade ice creams in the world. My question is, there's a guy at my job who's always whistling non-stop and it's really beginning to annoy me. It's gotten to the point where I dream about tearing his eyeballs out with ice cream scoops and throwing his head into the ice cream maker. Also it's really gross because sometimes he will whistle and his nose hairs fly into the creamy confections. What should I do?? -- Samuel Turdfalcon Esq. from Detroit

Dear Sammy Turdfalcon: I had a problem like this myself at my last job. The way I chose to solve it was to buy one of those super powerful orange whistles that are the size of a hamster and when he was sitting at his desk I came up behind him and blew it directly into his ear. It burst his eardrums and now he's deaf. It certainly solved the whistling problem however he's currently attempting to sue me and I lost the job. It really depends on how bad you want the guy to stop whistling. Hopefully you don't have to resort to my method, but if you must, it does work.


Dear McFarty: Why do you think the Pope quit for reals and what do you think he's going to be doing to pass the time as Pope Emeritus? -- Oliver from Nova Scotia

Dear Oliver: To be honest, I think Pope Ben quit for personal reasons. I think he got tired of the pope'ing business and wants time to just relax and be himself without having his head weighed down by those enormous hats and having to walk around with a giant septor all day. I think he had a lot of DVDs laying around his pope house and figured it was time to see what all the fuss about "The Wire" was and get caught up on "Lost". There's just no time for that when you're out popeing non-stop. Any lesser man would have quit ages ago. I just hope he doesn't find the finale to "The Sopranos" too disappointing.

My guess is he'll be searching for a phat new plasma so if you see the old Pope at Best Buy be sure to say what's up!

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