Ask McFartnuggets: “I Slept in My Contacts!” and “How to Make Peace with The Lord?”

Dear McFartnuggets: I accidentally slept in my contacts last night and my eyes hurt a lot. Should I go to the doctor or call my optometrist? Help! What should I do? -- Turdboy87@netzero.com

Dear Turdboy: How the hell did you manage to sleep in your contacts?! Even if you somehow managed to split the contact open into two pieces like you’re fileting a pork chop it’s too small for even an ant to fit inside that thing much less FALL ASLEEP! Are you sure you really slept in your contacts or did you fall asleep with your contacts in? Those are two completely different things. If you did manage to do the latter then yes your eyes are most likely horrifically damaged and you should contact an eye doctor immediately, thanks for the question!

Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve been pondering my own mortality a lot lately and I feel the spectre of death looming over my shoulder like an inevitable surprise waiting to pounce on me. I’ve never been a very religious person, but how can I make peace with the lord before I die? I don’t want to get up to Heaven and have it be all awkward, I’m looking for the least awkward situation in Heaven’s bursar’s office or whatever as humanly possible. -- Melanie from Detroit

Dear Melanie: The great thing about the lord is he/she is the lord. That means its a magical being that can do pretty much anything and everything and last time I checked, mindreading and understanding are things. Therefore, we have to assume that the lord will read your mind and know that you want to make peace with it and honestly that should be enough to understand. If I can understand your willingness to make peace with the lord, surely that lord can. It’s not rocket science! And as far as keeping your intro to Heaven as non-awkward as possible just remember to cover up your genitals with your ghost hands and try really really hard not to fart even though as we all know in Heaven farts smell like potpourri.

Thanks for the questions and keep on sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com