Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does Lightning Look Like Human Veins and Tree Branches?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Have you ever noticed that lightning looks the same exact way veins and tree branches do? I was smoking that dank last night and it hit me that if you see lightning it looks just like my grandmother’s leg. It’s all blue and each line branches out just like a tree branch or the veins in a tree leaf. Did god run out of designs or something? Why couldn’t he make tree branches look like curvy or make lightning look like big cubes? Why come they look the samesies? -- Iliana from Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Iliana:

I’ve noticed that too and I think it’s just the way nature works. When lightning strikes, it’s electrostatic discharge between a cloud and the ground. The static doesn’t come from a single point in space so it collects and then focuses the energy into a main strike. From that main strike, energy can be discharged and branched outwards. When a tree grows, it grows from a main trunk and the branches extend outwards to make sure the leaves reach as much sunlight as they can. In human beings, veins have to circulate blood through the entire body. In order to do that they have to branch out as well. It’s all a matter of physical efficiency. Branching out of energy is the cause and energy branches out because it’s trying to expand. Energy expands all throughout the universe, that’s what energy does and it’s no different in the sky or your grandmother’s leg.

Some parts of the brain look oddly like taints, vaginas, and buttholes.

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Dumbass Sayings: “I Know One Thing: That I Know Nothing”

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates was quoted as saying “I know one thing: that I know nothing.” This is known as a Socratic paradox, but it’s really just nonsense. If you know nothing then you can’t be aware of that because that would mean you know something. First of all, everyone knows something. That’s the key to deciphering this statement. You could be the dumbest moron on the planet, you’d still know bacon tastes good, no air makes my lungs feel burning, or I just made poopies. So let’s cut the crap with the “I know nothing” bullshit. The proper way to say this famous quote is “I know one thing, that I only know one thing.” Knowing one thing would mean you don’t know nothing. You do know ONE thing which is more than nothing. So you don’t know nothing, you know next to nothing. Knowing just one thing is the closest to knowing nothing that you can ever get. There is no knowing nothing. Saying you only know one thing means that one thing is that you know only one thing aside from nothing which is you know that one thing. By the way, Socrates knew two things, one was that he knew nothing, the other was how to confuse the fuck out of people.

These days if a man walks around in a towel saying "I know one thing, that I know nothing" it's likely a hobo.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Are You Supposed To Handle A Grown Adult Trick or Treater?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

This past Halloween was really great, the whole family had a lot of fun. There was only one negative spot. We heard the doorbell ring at around 8 PM and I grabbed the bowl of candy to greet the trick or treaters. Instead of a group of little kids dressed like Ninja Turtles, there was just a grown man six foot tall wearing overalls with a cheesecloth over his face holding his hand out. He said “Candy!” I felt a little weird giving him candy since it’s clearly an adult and the holiday is for kids. Still, I felt really awkward about it so I handed him a bite sized Snickers. He stayed there and didn’t leave. He kept his hand held out and repeated “Candy!” Now at this point I felt very uncomfortable. I would have gone to get my husband, but he was out with the kids. I like to stay home and greet the trick or treaters. I gave him one more piece and then he started sobbing. The sobbing then turned into a growling sound and I got really scared and slammed the door in his face. When I looked out the window he was gone. Then I heard some noises at the back door, but thank god I locked it. We didn’t see him again after that, I have no idea who it was. Is there a certain way you’re supposed to deal with adult trick or treaters? Should you even give them candy at all? -- Loretta from Galveston, Texas

Dear Loretta:

I think that might have just been a murderer… What your mistake here was is you didn’t look through the peephole first. Always check the peephole before you answer your front door especially on Halloween. You never know who the hell is going to be out there. Yes you can assume it’s harmless children, but sometimes it’s a group of adults dressed up like it’s The Purge. If you see sketchy looking adults then that’s when you should go upstairs and get your gun or grab the phone to call the cops in case they start threatening you. You do NOT answer the door for them and you definitely don’t give into their psychotic requests for candy.

A grown man trick or treating automatically counts as a trick so therefore no treat should be given.

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Dumbass Song Lyrics: “My Heart is a Ghost Town”

There’s a song called “Ghost Town” where the singer Adam Lambert says “My heart is a ghost town.” What is that supposed to mean? A ghost town is an abandoned town where no one lives. A heart is the primary muscle responsible for blood circulation in your body. I don’t know why someone would sing “My heart is a ghost town.” Nothing is supposed to live inside your heart. Your heart SHOULD be a ghost town. I’d rather my heart be a ghost town than a city full of cholesterol and calcium deposits. The roads of your heart should be nice and vacant for blood to flow through easily. If your heart is a metropolis brimming with a bustling populace then odds are your risk of a coronary is extremely high. When you feel heart is starting to take on visitors I would see a doctor as soon as possible. So I’m glad your heart is nice and clear, but there’s no reason to be singing about that. I think a much more accurate chorus would be “My brain is a ghost town” because none of this makes a damn bit of sense. It would appear the part of the brain that works on metaphors is experiencing a bit of a drop in population.

Your heart won't feel so empty after this.

Dumbass Sayings: “Let Bygones Be Bygones”

When you go to your high school reunion and you run into the teacher you used to sleep with they always say “That was 20 years ago! Can we just let bygones be bygones?” I find that phrase to be a little strange. “Let bygones be bygones”? Sure I’d very much be willing to do that if I had any idea what the fuck a “bygone” was. I have no problem letting bygones be bygones. As far as I’m concerned they can stay being bygones. I don’t know what the opposite of a bygone is, I don’t know how something would go from being a bygone to anything else. Of course you let bygones be bygones, what are you going to make them into? Herenows? The problem with this saying is that no one uses the term “bygones” in any other part of life. The only time that word ever exists is when someone says “let bygones be bygones.” You can’t do that. You may as well say “Can’t we let schnickdorfs be schnickdorfs?” How about we simplify things and start doing away with words from a bygone era and just say “Let’s move on from the past” or “Let the past be past.” Past is a word that gets used a lot more than bygones. Only a hypocrite would want to let bygones be bygones and in doing so use anachronistic language.

I believe "Let bygones be bygones" was the requested slogan for the Nuremberg Trials.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Store Nudes in the Cloud?”

Dear McFartnuggets:  
There has been a huge controversy over cloud storage ever since all those celebrity nude photos were hacked and released to the public. What I’m asking is why would anyone ever keep nude photos of themselves in the virtual cloud? Why not just send them to who you’re going to send them to then delete them? Seriously like your genitals won’t be available for a photoshoot later? All you have to do is take your pants off and they’re right there. Your pussy isn’t like your vacation to Aruba! I mean they can both get pretty hot and muggy, but that’s where the comparisons end! -- Irwin from Toronto, Canada

Dear Irwin:

You sir clearly do not understand the artistry of the nude selfie. Sure you might have frequent access to your own genitalia, but sometimes the right photo can be elusive. The lighting has to be just right, it has to get your good side, the angles need to be on point, your balls can’t look sad, etc. And don’t get me started on taking photos of your own butthole. Good lord that should be an Olympic sport! Everything has to be perfectly timed. So yeah, when you nail the right asshole puckering selfie guess what, you’re going to want to save that in a virtual vault where it can be accessed by any computer at any time in case of an emergency. You may even want to go to the local printers and have a 24x36 glossy poster made up of it, but saving it to the cloud is the next best thing. You’d never want to just throw that in the trash. Plus, I’ve heard that every time you delete a nude selfie an angel loses its wings.

The Fappening gave a whole new meaning to the word CUMulonimbus.

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Dumbass Sayings: “You Had To Be There”

When some guys at work are telling you about how they ran a train on a semi-conscious hooker the other night they usually say “You had to be there, man!” Really? I had to be there? Well if that’s the case then why even bring it up? Because I couldn’t have been there. It already happened and I wasn’t there. I don’t have a time machine to go back and be there so that makes everything you said pointless. If I HAD to be there then just don’t even mention anything. “You had to be there” is what someone says when they don’t have the vocabulary or ability to use words to paint an adequate picture of a situation. Yeah either I had to be there or maybe you need to work on your narrative storytelling skills. Unless you can recreate a scenario in vivid enough verbal detail to allow me to enjoy it without being there, then don’t even mention it, Rick. Imagine if every novel was just one page long and said “You had to be there…” If you bought a book that said that on the first page and the rest of the pages were blank you’d demand your money back. You wouldn’t think “Oh yeah I guess I missed out…” You’d realize it was a ripoff and that it was the storyteller’s fault.

When you say things like "You had to be there" don't be surprised when you have to threaten to eat people when they're losing interest in your story.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Would Anyone Want a Smart Mirror?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I hear they’re coming out with smart mirrors now. Why would anyone want that? Why would anyone want an intelligent mirror? Could you imagine looking into one of those and hearing the mirror’s voice going “Uhh… I wouldn’t go outside looking like that if I were you!” or “Is that really what you’re wearing girlfriend?” or “Damn that’s a big pimple!” or “Jesus, look at that cold sore…” I don’t want to hear anything out of my mirror. I want it to just show a general idea of what I look like and let me make up the commentary on my own. I don’t need a super intelligent AI recording and responding to my emotions and shit. Smart mirrors are stupid and I hope they never come true! -- Golby from Savannah, Georgia

Dear Golby:  

Yes, there may come a time when every bathroom and bedroom has a smart mirror installed, but it could be a very helpful thing. A smart mirror would just show you the weather and news automatically every morning while you’re brushing your teeth. Sure you can just as easily get that information from your phone or tv, but it would be there too. You could watch movies while you pop your face ulcers! You can’t do that with a tv. Also, yes it might be odd for a sentient being to see you at your worst every morning, aside from your significant other, but with that technology who knows what’s possible! If it can judge you, it can just as easily project a hologram over your face and superimpose a good looking version of yourself on top. So don’t worry about smart mirrors ruining your self esteem. If anything it could enhance your self image. imagine seeing an attractive person in the mirror every morning and the power that would give you as you left the house for the day. Sure it’d be a lie, but in the future reality and the virtual world will become very deeply intertwined and harder to distinguish.

Does bursting your facial abscesses really require cutting edge technology?

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