What is the best way to avoid Thanksgiving?

If you have a big family where your mother and father's, and second father's, and mysterious twin brother's sides don't get along at all, Thanksgiving can be a big pain in the craphole. Either you go to all of their dinners and leave each early, or you choose only one, OR you do what I do and find an awesome excuse to not show up to any of them. Over the years I've come up with my fair share of tricks, but nothing can compare to this year!

Who would have thought the best way to avoid awkward extended family dinners would be to simply utter two letters and the number one, twice? Usually I have to make up an elaborate excuse about my driving leg and transmission being broken or vicious crack addled munchkins, but they always check up on that. Now with H1N1, they would love nothing more than for me to never arrive! Normally if I want that effect I have to show up one year drunk, smelling like crap with a spiked bo staff. But this way everyone wins!

I won't lie, there's a bit of guilt when I weasel out of a holiday, but The H1N1 is such a tremendous excuse! I'll be surprised if they don't send me thank you cards with mentholated Halls taped inside. All you need to do is make some quick phone calls and be sure to cough A LOT! You've got to let them know you're not only contagious, but a veritable lawn sprinkler of deadly bacteria. I've thought it through, it's the right thing to do. Plus, when you throw in the idea that someone who actually does have H1N1 might show up at one of the dinners, there's really no reason NOT to stay home and cry.

-Binkie McFartnuggets