Mindblowing Classic Toilet Paper Commercial

Here's one of the first truly impressive special effects ever pulled off on a television commercial. Long before E*Trade making a baby appear to be speaking like a 30-year-old dude, Charmin shocked the world by putting a movie inside a newspaper held by a lesbian.

It Costs $20,000 to Amputate a Leg

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing, a lot of victims are facing medical bills that include costs near $20,000 for leg amputation. How can it cost 20,000 dollars to cut off someone's leg? Most serial killers throughout history would do something like that for free. Not only do these victims of the bombing have to deal with the trauma of being attacked for no reason, but they have to decide between keeping their leg and possibly dying or having their leg amputated. Normally having your leg chopped off would be bad enough, but charging anywhere near $20,000 is the literal definition of adding insult to injury.

The victims are receiving donations from good people, but why don't the hospitals just have leg amputations on the house? That would be a great gesture of kindness. I guess since they're a hospital who saves people all the time they have no need to impress people by doing charitable things, that's how they can get away with charging people 20 grand for leg removal. It just doesn't make sense. People were amputating limbs back during the Civil War with hacksaws. I'm sure if you charged folks even a nickle for that they'd want to shit on your face, that's all I'm saying.

Talking Parrot Toilet Paper Commercial

Imagine how blown away the people at home would have been if they could've seen the bird in color. They probably would have shit themselves! Good thing there's Charmin!

Lunatic Hanging Upside Down Holding A Lamp Talking Bollocks

I don't always like to clear my mind and speak on the things and topics that are very relevant and poignant to the people of today, but WHEN I DO I do it upside down in a Batman mask wearing a fisherman's hat holding a lamp wearing Elvis sunglasses.

We Are West, Texas Strong!

With around 35 people dead and hundreds more wounded in the West, Texas Fertilizer Explosion I'm shocked and saddened to see this tragedy getting less attention than the Boston Marathon. Yes the marathon bombing was horrific and the victims deserve your thoughts and prayers, but just from a death toll/wounded standpoint, the fertilizer explosion is a bigger deal. Still, far fewer slogans and catchphrases are coming out of this tragedy. Perhaps it's because it's not obviously an attack by terrorists. Should that matter?



So when people are killed by an act of terrorism it means way more than if someone just blew up by accident in a fertilizer explosion? I don't think so. I don't believe that at all. That may be how other people feel, but keep in mind, by viewing terrorism like that you are only giving more satisfaction and credit to the terrorists. We just want so badly to have an outsider to fight against. Tragic death is tragic death and it doesn't matter how the explosion happened, let's care about the victims not the attackers. So long as we're caring about the victims then this fertilizer plant explosion deserves more attention. That's why I'm using the phrases "We Are West, Texas Strong" and "Pray For West, Texas" as often as I can. And by the way, don't say "Pray For Texas". Texas is too damn big. This happened in a relatively small town so lets not dilute the prayers by spreading them all across the entire state and really focus in here. Don't get lazy.

That Belvita Breakfast Biscuit Golf Commercial

There's a commercial out for the breakfast food "Belvita" that depicts a hyperactive man making an ass out of himself while playing golf. The point of the commercial is to show that BelVita gives you the energy it takes to play GOLF.

Golf? Is that a sport that really requires a lot of energy? You stand in a stationary position, swing a club at a ball and then get in a cart and drive down to where you hit the ball to hit it again with a smaller stick. Is that really that draining? Do people go "Oh GOD I don't know if I can finish this round of golf you guys, I need to sit down and catch my breath! I am SWEATING PROFUSELY HERE!" Even at the highest level of golfing competition, The Masters, a 14-year-old Chinese boy is able to compete with the greatest in the world. That's proof enough that golf isn't really even a sport, much less an activity that requires an abundance of physical energy.

Golf is a game of skill like darts. It's a slightly more complicated version of Croquet. You don't need energy to play darts or croquet. If you want to show your breakfast biscuit giving people meaningful energy show someone eating the crap and then going to play 5-on-5 full court basketball or doing a triathalon. Golf was just the wrong game to choose.

I figure the only reason they did this is they figure the people who are willing to eat BelVita breakfast biscuits in the morning are older people and their game of choice is golf. That's just not a great way to present your product to a mainstream audience because all you did was show how your blueberry biscuits make people into jackasses running around embarrassing themselves in front of their business colleagues on a golf course. Kraft, do yourself a favor and combine BelVita with Velveeta then pay Derek Jeter to be a spokesperson and have a commercial that says "Derek Jeeta puts Velveeta on a BelVita" and watch the money roll in.

The World's Oldest Banned Commercials

Here's a collection I assembled of some of the very first commercials ever banned from the airwaves for being too crude or subversive. Most of this stuff could air these days, but back in black and white times people's buttholes were TIGHT.

Educate Yourself About Diarrhea

In order to clarify a lot of confusion out there I have to state that the medical definition of Diarrhea or "Diarrhoea" is "The passage of THREE or MORE loose stools per DAY". That is what diarrhea is. The majority of people will have a single liquid stool and say something like "OH GAWD! I'VE GOT THE DIARRHEA!" No. Sorry, you don't technically. You need to have the same thing two more times within a 24 hour time period for that to be medically considered Diarrhea.

This is very important to keep in mind as it means Taco Bell might not be responsible for as much Diarrhea as is generally believed. Unless your Cheesy Bean Burrito and Nachos Bell Grande are giving you TRES MIERDAS EN UNO DIA then that's not actual diarrhea. Taco Bell gives people soft, liquid, explosive stools. There is a difference and that needs to be recognized by all for the betterment of our global understanding of Diarrhea.

So the next time I eat too much teriyaki chicken at the galleria food court I don't want someone to scream "EW! YOU DID DIARRHEA IN YOUR PANTS! YOU DIARRHEA'D ON YOURSELF!" Because that is NOT TRUE. That was just the first of three stages. Until those three stages have been completed then I only Loose Stool'ed in my pants so please calm the hell down and get yourself educated.