How did the economic recession save humanity from extinction?

Thank Wall Street for the air that you're breathing with your non-overly-mucus-filled lungs right now. I don't recall hearing anyone say this before, but there's a chance I will now that I'm putting this out there... The Recession saved us all from a horrible death.

In April 2009 alone, 539,000 jobs were lost (Bureau of Labor Statistics) as the unemployment rate rose from 8.5 to 8.9%. That's just April! Why is April important? Maybe because it was the freaking crux of the Swine Flu epidemic!

Massive amounts of people in America have been losing their jobs since December 2007. Since then an estimated total of 5,176,000 jobs have been lost. Now think about if those jobs were still around, never mind what it would look like if the economy was booming. We now have millions of people collecting unemployment checks and looking for jobs from home. They aren't staying inside all day long, but they certainly aren't standing behind the counter of Dunkin' Donuts for thirteen hours a day.

It only takes one person to spawn a pandemic panic, (as we saw in Mexico with that patient zero baby kid) so think of the damage 8.9% of the country could have wreaked! If even a fraction of those people had jobs they'd have been handling food, helping people shop, touching money, and going on planes to travel for business for hours at a time. Thank God that wasn't the case, well, thank the Recession.

I also have to thank people like me. Because I, like many others, cut off all human contact when word of the Swine Flu came my way. I wasn't overly precautions, but I chose not to interact with anyone until everything died down as I had confidence it would. Now what if I had been out mingling, dancing, and molesting? Then I catch Swine Flu, but the symptoms don't kick in fast enough and I get one group of women sick, they get their boyfriends and husbands sick, they get their co-workers and bosses sick, and so on and so forth before the entire planet is gripped by the H1N1 virus!

The timing of the Recession and Swine Flu could not have met each other any better. We have lived through the physical equivalent of a meteor whizzing by Earth and missing a couple hundred meters. No one realizes it though, no one will know to be grateful and thankful to the criminals on Wall Street whose greed actually ended up helping other people. Isn't that the most ironic thing you could imagine? These kind of events are the thing that make me want to believe there really is a god up there laughing his white ass off. Now CEOs and banks all over the country have already served their debt to mankind, but no one will ever know it (except me and you). Does that excuse them of their thievery? Normally I would say no, but when you consider the facts and what has happened, circumstances really did prevail in all of our favors. Sometimes it's enough to make you feel glad to be alive.

By the way, have you noticed how Daniel Day-Lewis' Daniel Plainview character in "There Will Be Blood" sounds totally like Christopher Lloyd? If you haven't noticed, check it out when you get a chance, it's trippy,

-Binkie McFartnuggets