Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Name My Daughter Siri?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m about to have a baby girl in two months and we still haven’t decided on a name. I want to name her Siri, but my husband says that’s a bad idea. Why is it a bad idea to name my baby Siri? Isn’t it a beautiful name? To me it is very beautiful. It’s simple, yet elegant. -- Melinda from Walla Walla, Washington

Dear Melinda:

While Siri is a pretty name, it was basically ruined by Apple. Apple of course uses the name Siri for its intelligent personal assistance and knowledge navigator. This would mean that by naming your child Siri you’re basically dooming your child to be bombarded with joking questions all the time. Other kids will constantly be asking her “Siri, what’s 0 divided by 0?” or “Siri, what time is the new Star Wars movie playing?” It might be fun for a few times, but after awhile I’m guessing that would grow very old. The worst part of it is she couldn’t shorten the name to something less embarrassing like most people do with shameful given names. She could only call herself Sir or Si which would be very confusing to Spanish people. Also, because it’s from Apple you can’t just assume it’s a passing fad like naming your kid Microsoft Zune or Bing. Siri will be around for a very long time which means your child will likely never escape these issues. Even if you’re from Denmark, Norway, or Sweden where Siri is a shortened version of the name Sigrid which means “beautiful victory,” you’ll likely face the same issues. If that’s the case, just name the girl Sigrid and let her choose if she wants to be called Siri or not. She probably won’t.

People will be waiting in lines around the block to make fun of your kid.

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The Top 10 Worst Baby Names of 2014

Picking a good name is no promise
of success. But a bad name can
screw someone for life.

With the fall and winter coming up, a lot of babies will be born from people boning in the springtime. Sometimes when you have a baby and you haven’t decided on a name you have to scramble to think of something fast. Sometimes you might pick up a newspaper like Robin Williams did in “Mrs. Doubtfire.” That is a terrible mistake. Don’t do that. Otherwise you might wind up giving your baby one of these terrible names that is sure to be met with a lot of controversy:

5. Putin

Vladimir Putin is one of the most unliked political figures of 2014 so if you’re looking through a news website for a baby name you might want to pass over little baby Putin. Plus it could be mistaken for “Pooting” which is a slang word for farting.

4. Malaysia

Now Malaysia might sound like a pretty name, but if you name your daughter that, god forbid she ever goes missing because no one will bat an eyelash. That’s all part and parcel for things with Malaysia in their name.

3. Ebola

With an imminent Ebola worldwide pandemic on the way, naming your kid Ebola is probably not the best idea. It is a cool sounding name and probably means something much nicer in Congolese, but no one wants their child to be the physical embodiment of an African hemorrhagic fever.

2. Humphrey

Humphrey is on this list just because it’s a weird name. There’s no new reason why you shouldn’t name your baby this, it just continues to be a poor name choice. Who names their kid Humphrey anymore? Who ever did? Even in the 50’s I couldn’t fathom naming a baby Humphrey. That’s not a name for a person that’s something you name a whale at an aquarium.

And the number one worst baby name of 2014 is…

1. Isis

Hopefully you didn’t name your baby this because you thought it was a pretty sounding Egyptian name before ISIL took hold in Iraq and Syria. Even more hopefully you didn’t name your baby this AFTER ISIL took hold in Iraq and Syria. This name is number one on the list because it’s actually something people might want to name their kid or already have. Those people are really regretting that shit now, boy! When that kid sees armed policemen with assault rifles and asks his mom why they’re there, she has to say “They’re here to protect us from Isis.” Then the kid feels like a monster. It’s very sad.

You'd think naming a baby after the goddess of health, marriage, and love would be a safe bet...

The Top 10 Male Names You’ll Never See Given To A Girl

If you want your girl to have a normal life
don't give her any of these names.

Sometimes new parents who are expecting a boy settle on a name too early and will keep the name even when they end up with a girl. Popular examples of this are Daryl, Devin, Sam, Terry, Cameron, and Sean. It may be a popular trend, but here are the top 10 male names you’ll never see given to a girl:

10. Jamal

9. Gilbert

8. Kristof

7. Chip

6. Horace

5. Alfredo

4. Vincent

3. Thurmond

2. Waldo

1. Igor

Just try to imagine a woman with any of these names. It’s not possible. You can name a girl Nicky or Sammy, but you can’t name them Igor. That doesn’t fly in any culture. Go ahead, prove me wrong and name your daughter one of these names. I won’t be the one you’re hurting!