The Top 5 Things You Should Never Do In A Public Shower

Try not to bring kids if you can
help it.

When you find yourself in a public shower situation it’s important to remember you’re not in your shower at home. That means you may have to modify some of your “normal” showertime behaviors in order to avoid an awkward naked situation around a bunch of strangers. Here are the top five things you should never do in a public shower even though maybe you do them at home:

5. Sing

Singing in the shower is one of man’s most popular pastimes. Unfortunately it tends to disturb other people when you’re all sharing the same shower. You’d be amazed at how much you DON’T sound like you think you sound.

4. Eat

You know how you eat breakfast in the shower to save time when getting ready in the morning? Yeah well forget that in a public shower. Oh and the five second rule doesn’t apply to an Egg McMuffin you accidentally dropped on the gym shower drain.

3. Cry

Crying in the shower is great because it’s like your tears can melt away in a river of tears coming from the showerhead. It’s the ultimate moisture experience. Sadly, when you cry in a public shower people get really freaked out and can’t stop talking about you behind your back.

2. Breakdance

We all know that when you lather your bathtub with soap you can have countless hours of fun breakdancing in there and spinning around like crazy. However, doing the same thing in a public shower isn’t as much fun because usually you’ll knock into someone and they’ll kick your ass.

And the number one thing you should never do in a public shower is…

1. Stare at people and urinate

If you have a window by your shower at home then you know how much fun it is to stare at people on the sidewalk while urinating in the shower. Science doesn’t yet fully understand why this feels so good, it just does. On the other hand, locking eyes with someone in a public shower while peeing is usually immediate grounds for expulsion from Lucille Roberts.

Public showers are an awful place for a staring contest.

Maybe some people are wondering where defecation and masturbation are on this list. I run a family blog here. Please think more highly of me than that!

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Body Part Should I Wash First In The Shower?” and “What Are Q-Tips For?"

Dear McFartnuggets: When I take a shower I never know where to start first. Is there a proper place to start washing? Where do you start? -- Mintrelle from Orlando.

Dear Mintrelle:

It’s all a matter of personal preference. You can really start wherever you want except the crotch and ass. Basically anywhere other than the crotch and ass are a good place to start. Only a psychopath would wash their ass before their face and hair. See I don’t mind having my face dirt in my ass, but I don’t want my ass dirt in my face. That’s the key there and never forget it, Mintrelle.

Always make sure to wash your barrel out before you bathe in it.

Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve seen this commercial for the Wax Vac an ear vacuum that sucks your ear wax out and they say you shouldn’t use q-tips to clean your ears. So if q-tips aren’t meant to clean your ears, what the hell am I supposed to do with them? -- Lucy from Oregon.

Dear Lucy:

The Wax Vac people are right, you’re not supposed to use q-tips to clean your ears. According to doctors, ear wax is totally natural and your ears clean themselves. Using q-tips or other off brand cotton swabs to clean your ears can damage the eardrum and actually pack in ear wax. So what do you use q-tips for? Well, doctors never said anything about picking your nose with them. I use q-tips to pick my nose and my ass all the time. Obviously I’m not using them to wipe my ass, but they are helpful in getting those little stubborn bits that if you don’t take care of, gravity will eventually over the course of the day into your underpants if you know what I’m saying. So far I have not met a single doctor who has a problem with this. In fact, most of them try to change the subject almost immediately.Thanks for the question, Lucy!

Toothpicks are Q-Tip's dangerous cousins.

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