The Top 5 Most Embarrassing Ringtones

People think ringtones
tell a lot about you.
Sometimes ringtone are
just ringtones.

When you get a new phone one of the most important things to do is set your ringtone. When you’re picking a ringtone you want to select a sound or song that’s going to communicate to other people how cool you are. Sometimes you might select a song while drunk at home one night to be your ringtone and you don’t realize how embarrassing it is until your phone actually goes off the next day at work during a meeting. Here are the top 5 most embarrassing ringtones to put on your phone:

5. “Wannabe” by Spice Girls

When your phone rings and this song plays you can try to start dancing along to it, but everyone still looks at you like a psychopath.

4. “Kiss The Girl” from “The Little Mermaid” soundtrack

Another awful song to have as a ringtone. This just isn’t an appropriate song for a grown adult to have as an incoming alert that a voice communication request has been sent to them.

3. Farting

When you’re up all night drunk it seems like a good idea to fart into your phone and make that your ringtone. Then the next day you’re hungover at work talking to your boss in her office and it sounds like you’re basically shitting your pants right there in the seat.

2. Porn moaning

Sometimes when you’re really wasted you’ll accidentally hit record on your phone when you’re watching your love movies and then somehow your phone with a mind of its own will set that as your ringtone. Then that goes off while you’re on a date and the chick thinks you’re some kind of pervert. Good guess. Spot on there, actually, but it was meant to be a secret!

And the number one most embarrassing ringtone is...

1. Your mother

Sometimes your mom will play a prank on you by recording a custom ringtone that’s her saying “This is your mother, pick up the phone! I’m calling you right now at work! Your underwears were all over the floor in your room and one of them had a sperm stain!” Nothing’s more embarrassing than having that go off in your pocket during an exam or at a board room meeting.

If you've ever gone through THIS with another human being, it's understandable to never want to see them ever again.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is It Normal For Your Wife To Crap During Childbirth?”

Giving birth is just pooping
one big crying turd.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My wife gave birth a few weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. I was just rewatching the video of the childbirth and as much as I want to look back on that moment with joy and pride it’s difficult because my wife shat herself during the birth. I guess she was pushing too hard and crapped A LOT literally a couple of seconds before our son came out. It was so close in time together that the turd may as well have been his twin, not identical thank god. I can’t help but regret that I recorded this video now. How weird is this? Is it normal for your wife to crap during childbirth? -- Dean from St. Louis

Dear Dean:

Of course it’s totally normal. It’s the dirty little secret no one tells you about childbirth. That’s basically the tradeoff for having a kid. Yes you will have a clone replica of yourself to carry on after you die, but in exchange you will have to shit yourself in front of a doctor and a bunch of other nurses. With all the food pregnant women eat combined with the pressure of pushing as hard as you can to get a ten pound human out of your vagina, crapping yourself is almost inevitable. People choose to focus more on the baby than the poop and that’s how they get over it. I can understand how you might be traumatized by it, but it’s just one of those things in life that is amazingly disgusting yet we all accept it as normal. Congrats on the baby.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com I’m here to help.

Horribly Offensive Banned Toilet Paper Commercial (1960’s)

Good ol’ Mr. Whipple attempts answering one of the most pondered queries in all of human civilization.

Top Ten Excuses For Vomiting After Drinking

Deep down no one wants to throw up in front of their friends or enemies after a night out. It's embarrassing, it's disgusting, and it really ruins a make-out session. But if you're drinking properly it IS going to happen, therefore the best you can do is come up with a few decent explanations for why you threw up to say IMMEDIATELY in order to save face.

10). I'm bulimic. - Now being bulimic is nothing to be proud of, but at least it makes you a sympathetic figure and not just someone who sprayed partially digested birthday cake and Dewars all over a bartender's face.

9). I think I ate some bad pork. - Blaming the vomit on something you ate is better than admitting your body was rejecting the poison ethanol. It usually helps to have whatever you're talking about in the vomit though, so if you're going with pork, eat a few strips of raw bacon before going out so it's visible in the sick.

8.) I wanted to give the pigeons some food. - If you're in a city there are probably pigeons and pigeons DO eat human vomit.

7). It's National Throw Up At Work Day! - There are tons of these stupid ass "Dress Like a Pirate" type things going on these days so this is a good one to use at work after a hangover.

6). I was just thinking about the Holocaust. - Not the best one to use at a KKK rally, but anywhere else and it would be completely understandable that visions of a heinous tragedy would trigger regurgitation.

5). Text the word REDCROSS to 90999 to donate to victims of Hurricane Sandy. - Once you throw up in a public place there's a good chance you're in the spotlight so why not use that time to help others?

4).  I was just thinking about the time I fucked your mother. - This one is like the Holocaust one, but better if you're around someone you want to insult.

3).This alcohol does not meet my body's standards of excellence! - This is a good one to use in a British accent if you're trying to seem sophisticated, which is usually difficult to do when you're clutching a public toilet bowl that may or may not be covered in another human being's feces.

2). That dinner was so nice I'll have to eat it twice! - Only say this if you're willing to eat your own vomit. It's gross and people will either leave or take pics to post on Facebook, but it turns your embarrassing moment into a sideshow act not unlike geeking a chicken so if that's what you're going for, have at it!

1). I had to empty my stomach and I don't have time for shitting. - Pretty self-explanatory, it makes complete logical sense. A perfect argument.

Alright there's ten pretty decent things to say or yell after vomiting. Come to think of it, you don't even need to have been drinking. Throwing up in public is embarrassing no matter what happened before it, drinking or horrible stomach virus. I hope these work for you.