Why Are Children Dying From Energy Drinks?

Dozens of deaths can be attributed to energy drinks and most of those deaths are children and teenagers. That's a telling sign. A 30-year-old  New Zealand woman died in 2010 from a sustained diet of more than two gallons of Coca Cola a day. She was able to handle two gallons of a caffeinated beverage for awhile before finally having a heart attack meanwhile a pre-teen can drink two or three Monster energy drinks and die just as easily. The key here is that caffeine is much more deadly to children than adults. These energy drinks are not intended for children at all. 

In theory, no child should ever need an energy supplement. You're a CHILD! When I was a kid you know what my energy drink was? Candy. Whatever happened to that? Why are kids trying to get an energy buzz from liquids designed to help adults perform extreme sports like wind surfing and jumping out of space from a hot air balloon? A child's life should not necessitate energy drinks. What do they need that much energy for? If you need to hand in that 3rd grade book report tomorrow, you're only half way finished and five minutes to bed time, just go to sleep. Trust me, it's not worth it. 

What is wrong with kids these days? Should energy drinks be illegal for kids? That might help, but really it's like cigarettes to adults. An adult with common sense would know not to smoke cigarettes even though they're right in front of you to purchase. Try some gum instead and live. If you're an 8-year-old and you need energy, eat a Kit Kat instead and live. 

We need to educate our children enough so that they don't make stupid decisions. Forget educating them to make smart decisions, that ship has sailed. Let's just focus on getting them to avoid the deadly stupid decisions and call it a day. The most infamous drink is called "Monster". You can't expect good things to happen when you drink something named after a general group of creatures whose job it is to kill people. That is common sense kids need to figure out and fast before another victim is claimed.

Here's a special chart made by someone who probably knows what they're talking about to help you weigh the pros and cons of caffeinated beverages:

 

If you notice your child urinating more than normal that could be a warning sign that they're consuming too much caffeine. Make note of that and pay attention because it could be the one hint you get that they're on the fast track to death.

5-Hour Energy Responsible For 13 Deaths

It should come as no surprise that 5-Hour Energy like any other high caffeine product can threaten your health by putting undue stress on your heart. However, what you might not know is that in addition to 13 deaths one of the incidents the 5-Hour Energy corporation is reported being responsible for was a "spontaneous abortion". This is curious. First off, why would you take 5-Hour Energy when you're pregnant? Isn't the point of this shit to keep you awake at work? Why are you at work? Just go to sleep, bitch. But it is strange that 5-Hour Energy would cause an abortion. If Mitt Romney were President I think sales of this stuff would go through the roof as an alternate abortion method, but unfortunately for prospective 5-Hour Energy investors, President Obama offers women reproductive freedom (whatever).  Still, I think 5-Hour Energy could be something to look into if one was looking for an abortion in a state where it's not legal or widely supported by people. So if your daughter has been vomiting a lot after she said she was legitimately raped by Uncle Todd and is buzzing around like a hummingbird, you should know 5-Hour Energy might be the reason why.