Ask McFartnuggets: “What Is The Appropriate Thing To Say When Someone Farts?"

"I detect a strange odor..."

Dear McFartnuggets: We all know when someone sneezes you say “God bless you” but what about when someone farts? I wish there was something to say instead of just standing there awkwardly smelling it trying to keep a straight face. What should I be saying? -- Leonard from Tucson

Dear Leonard:

You’re right, it is pretty awkward when someone farts, but the best thing you can do is make light of it so it’s not a serious moment. I like to say “Assundheit!”, a play off the traditional “Gesundheit”. Also another thing you can say is “Do you need a tissue?” if it sounded like a wet one.

Perhaps the best thing you can do after someone audibly farts near you is fart right back at them. By them farting, they opened a very narrow window for you to fart and take a free ride off their original fart. It’s already awkward that they farted so you farting is not nearly as bad. This is really great when you have one pent up. It’s a lot like seeing the first couple start dancing at a party. It makes the person feel good because they know they let loose and broke the ice for everyone else. Just be careful this doesn’t spread too far in a big room because if dozens of people start cutting farts it’s going to get deadly in there like a Roman steam room of raw methane and I doubt your dentist will appreciate that in his waiting room. To prevent this from happening if you hear a fourth and fifth farter, start staring at them like they did something disgusting. Yes it is a bit hypocritical, but at a certain point you’re preventing a potential ecological disaster.

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Why Don't People Cover Their Ass With Their Hand When They Fart?

Farting is just sneezing out of your ass.

It's widely accepted to be proper etiquette to cover your mouth when you cough, or hold a handkerchief up to your face when you sneeze, or turn your head to the side when you burp, but how come no one ever covers their ass when they fart? A fart is no different than a cough. It's basically an ass sneeze. Yet you wouldn't believe how often I see people on the bus or in an elevator fart right out in the open and not have the common decency to put a hand over their butt! It's sickening. Where are people's manners these days? When I fart in public I put both my hands over my butthole and say "Whoopsies! My sincerest apologies to all." That's how everyone should deal with public farting. Maybe if more people had the decency to act that way the world wouldn't be such a sick place and also people wouldn't look at me so weird when I did.

Some people think you don't need to cover your ass when you fart with a hand or cloth because you're wearing pants. Yeah that might make sense, but does a woman in an Arabic facial scarf cover her mouth when she coughs? I'm guessing yes. Why would she though? She's already got a cloth in front of her face. NO! You still cover your mouth because it's simply good manners. The same should go for farts and asses. So if you're one of the people who doesn't cover up when you fart in public take this as a warning. You can keep farting uncovered and spread germs and sickness throughout the land, but if you try and pull that crap around me I'll call you out for it. I will stand right in your face and say "Next time cover your freaking butt when you fart! And say PARDON MY FRENCH!" Instead of the usual "God bless you" that I say to people who have the class to put a hand over their fart.