Dumbass Sayings: “You Leave A Lot To Be Desired”

Sorry I'm not a love letter
from your dead husband.

Sometimes when you’re at a parent teacher meeting for your son the teacher will say “Your son leaves a lot to be desired.” You say, “Good! I’m glad! You shouldn’t be desiring him to begin with! This is a school, you freak!” Then they say “It’s a figure of speech, I’m not attracted to your child.” And then you punch them in the face and before you know it the police are taking only YOU away in handcuffs like that’s fair! I get arrested for punching a child abuser? Then to make matters worse the teacher says “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…” as I’m being hauled into a squad car. This son of a bitch is allowed to teach children while he’s judging them on a basis of what’s “desirable” or not and I have to be let out on bail? What the hell is wrong with this country? I’m glad my kid leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe that’ll keep him safe in prison when he grows up and knocks out some twisted freak just like that teacher.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Like The Cut of Your Jib!”

Ouch...

When someone is stylish you’re supposed to say “I like the cut of your jib.” That saying comes from old nautical slang referring one of a boat’s sails called the “jib.” Different countries cut their jibs in different ways and somehow that became a saying people used in everyday life about personal style. The problem with this saying is that most people don’t know the original meaning so when you tell someone “I like the cut of your jib” especially in a public shower they usually think you’re commenting on their circumcision. If that’s not the message you intended to send then this can result in an awkward situation. Being misunderstood is always a risk when you use 17th century pirate terms with people in the 21st century. It’s time to start retiring some of these phrases because as people forget what they mean they can only lead to horrible misunderstandings.

Dumbass Sayings: “Pushing The Envelope”

Mailmen are real mavericks.

When someone “Pushes the envelope” it means they’re testing the limits of what’s possible. That means people who work for the US Postal Service are the most extreme people alive. Mail carriers push the envelope on a constant basis. They don’t push it too far though, just far enough into the mailbox to close it. Mail sorters don’t just push the envelope, they push thousands of envelopes daily, sometimes they might even toss a few which is far more extreme than just pushing.

If you’ve ever literally pushed an envelope before you know it’s perhaps the farthest thing you can get from figuratively pushing an envelope. There is the possibility this saying refers to the “flight envelope” which is the limit to which a plane can be flown safely. However, when people hear the phrase “push the envelope” 9 out of 10 are thinking about paper letter travel clothing, not aerodynamic physics. This saying is totally lost on modern day people so it’s obsolete and therefore “dumbass” even though in this case the people are probably more to blame.