Dumbass Sayings: “Between a Rock and a Hard Place”

Sometimes when you’re in a chase with a highway patrolman and he nudges your car into a ditch and you crash between the base of a bridge and an old tree while you have a dead hooker in the trunk he’ll say “Looks like someone’s caught between a rock and a hard place!” Excuse me? “A rock and a hard place”? What the hell is a “hard place”? Do you mean a “wall”? Just say a WALL! “Between a rock and a wall.” Was that so difficult? That’s five fewer letters to say. Also, a large enough rock to trap you in a certain position would basically be a “hard place” of it’s own. So basically you’re saying “Caught between a hard place and a hard place” which is damn stupid. Why do people say these things? Why do people say things that don’t even make sense? Just because someone said something a long time ago doesn’t mean you have to keep repeating it in modern life. People just love parroting phrases from long ago. No one ever bothers to try and make up their own original phrases. It’s sad really.

This phrase is popular at quarries where many accidental deaths are attributed to being trapped or crushed between a rock and a hard place.

Dumbass Saying: “Life Experience”

Sometimes people will say some crap like “Traveling to the Grand Canyon and making love to that hooker was an incredible life experience.” ALL experiences are life experiences. Why do you add the word “life” in there? Do you not want to confuse people about your vital signs at the time? Obviously you were alive, dummy! Even if you somehow had a “death experience”, if you lived to tell about it then it’s a life experience which is just an experience so there’s no need to be qualifying experiences with the word “life” in front. Not only are all experiences “life experiences”, but nearly everything is an experience. So there’s really never any reason to call anything an experience or life experience. It’s just LIFE. Stop talking about it and start living it, folks!

Remember when we saved that dead old lady from being eaten by a shark? What a life experience!

Dumbass Sayings: "If I Do Say So Myself"

Are you saying that as you,
or your demonic alter-ego?

Sometimes to cap off a sentence a person will say "If I do say so myself." This is a completely redundant useless thing to say. For example someone might say: "Those stuffed lamb chops gave me horrible ass lava, if I do say so.myself!" If you do say so yourself? Who else are you going to say it as? Someone else? Unless you have multiple personality disorder where your different personalities are switching in and out all the time and you need to make your sentences longer to give the listener more time to figure out exactly who's talking then phrases like this are completely worthless. People are always speaking as themselves. When you want to speak as someone else THEN you say “If I were a woman, I would say: these panties are comfortable.” Mention when you’re speaking as someone else, not as yourself.

Why is it Called 'Premeditated Murder'?

When you're accused of premeditated murder they're accusing you of having planned out the murder far in advance while waiting for the right time to go through with it. This is seen as worse than spur of the moment murder. This type of murder is in the news a lot now thanks to the Oscar buzz surrounding the murder of Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp and the question people are asking is "Why is it called PRE-meditated murder?" After all, there's no such thing as "Postmeditated" murder so shouldn't it just be called "Meditated murder"? The fact that you've thought it out makes it meditated, so why emphasize the "Pre" part of it?

It's like "Premature ejaculation". You can't call it "Pre" because once it happens the intercourse is automatically over. There's no "Postmature ejaculation". What is wrong with people? This isn't like babies where you can have postmature birth. That makes premature birthing a valid term, but meditating about a murder can only ever happen before so to say "pre" is redundant and unncessary.