Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Donate Sperm To Charity?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I really want to help other people less fortunate than me, the problem is I don’t have very much money at the moment. What I do have is a lot of spare time and I am a great masturbator. I know that people can be sperm donors and sell their sperm so is there any way I can just give my sperm to a charity and let them keep the money? There’s a Red Cross for blood donations so is there a White Cross for semen donations or something? -- Dillon from Minneapolis, Minnesota

Dear Dillon:

From my experience, most charities will not take any form of semen, human or animal. The weird thing is if you insist and mail it to them or leave it in front of their door overnight they file legal action against you. I know it’s weird that you can donate blood but you can’t donate semen to charities, but they get a little picky about that sort of stuff. You’d think beggars can’t be choosers, but alas they certainly can. If you really want to donate your semen to a charity, the best thing you can do is donate it to a sperm bank for money. Then take that money and donate the actual money to charity. Use the sperm bank as a jizzy middleman. Of course it’d be nice if the charities would just take the cum, but hey, this isn’t a perfect world. That’s why we’ve gotta do what we can to help others! Good luck!

Your sperm are going to die anyway. Better to have them die for a good cause.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Things You CAN’T Donate To Charity

It’s important to give to charity, even if you don’t have money you still have organs which are worth more than you think. Because the phrase “Beggars can’t be choosers” is apparently false, there are many things you can’t donate. Here are the top 5:

5. Ears

There’s a popular saying “Lend me your ear” but that’s not something you can literally do. Most places that take organ donations will not accept a severed human ear. Sorry, Van Gogh.

Who doesn't want to give someone the gift of hearing?

4. Nose

Perhaps you’ve seen internet videos of people who have no nose after a horrible accident ruined their face. You might have wanted to help these people by giving them part of or all of your nose. Sadly, nose transplants aren’t a perfect science quite yet.

Some people have two helpings or more of nose. Why can't they donate?

3. Lips

Have you ever seen a commercial with those foreign children who have cleft lips? Haven’t you ever wondered if you could have part of your own lips cut off and donated to them? No? Well good because it’s not possible.

Some people have really messed up lips.

2. Teeth

There are a lot of people out there who don’t have teeth. Fortunately for them there are dentures which eliminate the need for actual human teeth transplants. And nothing creeps a doctor out more than when you come to a hospital holding a bag of teeth asking where you can donate them.

Dentures can never replace the feeling of having a real tooth in your gums.

1. Bones

Sure you can donate bone marrow, but what about the whole bone? Sadly this isn’t possible. Perhaps one day it will be possible for you to donate your entire skeleton to someone in need, but for right now just take care of it and wait patiently.

It takes a true hero to donate their entire skeleton to the needy. Sadly, most doctors won't allow it.