Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t They Call it Up Syndrome?”

Maybe it's "Down" Syndrome
because they're so fluffy and
soft!

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey how come people call it Down Syndrome? Shouldn’t we call it Up Syndrome? Why the hell are people trying to put these mentally handicapped people down and make them feel lower than other people? It’s a bad connotation to be sticking them with. Shouldn’t we be trying to elevate these people and make them feel good about themselves? How can we do that when we’re calling it DOWN Syndrome? It’s just flat out disgusting. Personally I find the term very offensive. We’re basically calling them “Lower” which is almost like “Retard” since retard means slow. Slow and low are not what we should be calling people with this issue. Am I right?! -- Felicia from Cooperstown, New York

Dear Felicia:

Those are some good points, but the unfortunate truth is that Down Syndrome is what we call it because it was first officially classified by John Langdon Down. It’s just a tragic misfortune that he was the one who slapped his name on it. If only his name could have been John Langdon Hero or John Langdon Inspiration. Then I think we’d all feel a lot better. It’s just sad that he’s the guy who gets his name on the disorder because he was pretty much a politically incorrect jerk. He wrote a paper called "Observations on the Ethnic Classification of Idiots" and was responsible for the term “Mongaloid.” So if you have a problem with it being called Down Syndrome then you have to blame that guy.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Suicides”

A common sports exercise is running “suicides.” This is an exercise drill where you you a quarter the length of a sports field or court, touch the ground then run back, run half the distance, touch the ground then run back, run three-quarters of the distance touch the ground and run back then run the entire distance touch the ground and run back. The exercise itself is very effective, but the name is what should bother people. In today’s age of depression, it’s a little insensitive to call this drill “Suicides” especially when a high school student participating in this drill may have recently had one of his loved ones or close friends take their own life. You’re trying to prepare for the big game on Sunday and even doing a little running exercise is reminding you of how your friend died during autoerotic asphyxiation. Is it technically suicide or just a mistake? Who cares! You’re still thinking about it. Everyone at school is calling it a suicide and now you’re running suicides. Can’t they call it something else like “Runny back and forthies” or some stupid shit? Why do they have to get so grim with the exercise names? Why not just call another running exercise “Abortions” or “Infanticide”? I guess THAT would be inappropriate. Is that where we’re drawing the line on this?

If someone talks about running suicides, make sure to get them help, as this is a cry for help.