Dumbass Sayings: “Peachy”

Take it easy on that
fruit basket. you freak.

Sometimes you’ll say “How are you?” to an old lady at work and despite the fact you don’t actually care she tells you anyway and says “Peachy!” How is this a term that people use? Why do we let people get away with this nonsense? Peachy? What the hell does that mean? You feel like a peach? Okay… I’m going to assume it means “Good” because people smile when they say it, but that’s the only thing I’m going on. If I’m judging this answer based on the word then I’m not sure if that’s good or not considering peaches have no central nervous system and are generally just things that sit around waiting to be devoured by people. I’m not exactly sure that’s synonymous with good. How the hell did peaches become the happiness fruit? Why not apricots or grapefruits? What’s to stop someone from saying they feel Strawberry? This crazy old bitch can say “I’m peach-y!” and that’s okay, but if I said “I’m papaya-y” people would think I was insane. Meanwhile being papaya-y would be more a better more relevant fruit considering it’s from tropical islands where people go to have fun. Where’s a peach from? The South? That’s not always fun. This is just a dumbass saying.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Faint When They’re Scared?”

Fainting is just the
brain's way of saying
"Fuck this!"

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do people tend to faint when they see something really scary or disgusting like the sight of blood? Is there an evolutionary reason for this response? -- Theodore from Rhode Island

Dear Theodore:

What you’re referring to is vasovagal syncope. It’s when your nervous system malfunctions and causes heart rate and blood pressure to drop causing fainting sometimes in relation to stress, anxiety, or seeing medical procedures. It’s possible that it has an evolutionary purpose. Like playing possum, there are some benefits to fainting and lose consciousness. If you see a man with an axe murdering your family, you might very well faint which at the very least would cause you less pain because you would be murdered while unconscious. It’s not a great consolation prize, but really, would you rather be awake or asleep while someone was chopping your limbs off in a clown mask? That’s kind of a big benefit. So the next time you faint when you see someone using a needle just remember, that reflex could come back to help you some day. It probably won’t save you, but it will help.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Don’t Throw The Baby Out With The Bathwater”

Don't put a baby in here.

When you’re bathing a baby in the little plastic baby tub in the kitchen sink someone usually comes up and says “Remember, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!” Okay… I didn’t know that was even possible to do. Who throws out bathwater? Do you mean to say that when you’re done bathing a baby you just dump the plastic tub out into a garbage can? No, you don’t throw out bathwater, you dump it down a drain. Babies can’t fit down a drain. Even if it somehow slipped my mind that there was a baby in this baby tub there’d just be a baby sitting in the sink. I don’t have a garbage disposal and thank god because that would be terrible. Maybe if someone has a garbage disposal you should remind them don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater and then activate the disposal, but who the hell would do that? This is just a ridiculous saying that needs to be replaced with a much simpler “Don’t throw babies!” Yet people still do. People love nothing more than tossing a baby in the air. STOP THAT!

5 Signs That You Have World Cup Fever

One unpleasant symptom
of WCF is runny stools.

With the World Cup in full swing it’s very easy to catch the dreaded disease known as World Cup Fever. When you get it, it can be devastating to your family and work life. Some people actually take work off to watch the games. That can be a pretty stupid thing to do when you don’t even watch soccer, but that’s the danger of World Cup Fever! World Cup Fever takes a normal person who never watches soccer and turns them into a rabid, diehard fan of European football. It’s a terrible condition, but before you can begin to cure it, you must first diagnose it. Here are 5 signs you might have World Cup Fever:

1. You wear your country’s jersey.

A lot of European and South American fans wear soccer jerseys all year long, but for an American that’s a very clear sign they have World Cup Fever. Or maybe they just work for Domino’s.

If the U.S. doesn't score a goal in 30 minutes or less your pizza is free.

2. You’re kicking things more often.

When you watch enough soccer you start mimicking what you see and that usually means kicking things. Instead of punching the door down when your wife has locked herself in the bathroom you might kick it down instead.

Look he's kicking the ball (brain) into the back of that guy's net (skull).

3. You find yourself speaking in an English accent randomly.

An obvious sign you have World Cup Fever is when you break out into a British commentary accent out of nowhere without realizing it. You’ll be talking about the game and find yourself saying “That was a well played chaunce by Dempsehhh!” Why are you talking like that? You either have World Cup Fever, or you’re experiencing a stroke.

I'll be right up to your flat once I take the lift!

4. You jump up and hit things with your head a lot.

It’s strange how in a sport called “Football” you can use your skull to hit the ball. It’s a lot of fun, but it can be very dangerous. For example if you see a baby falling out of a window, don’t run up and head it. If you do, you clearly have World Cup Fever which is unfortunate because I doubt they’re going to let you watch the games in jail.

Looks like someone took one too many headers.

5. You go to bars during World Cup games, get drunk and scream at the TV like your life depends on the game despite not knowing who any of the players are or the rules of soccer.

One of the most harmful symptoms of World Cup Fever is binge drinking. You drink way too many alcoholic beverages, eat bar food, and jump up and down yelling “OLE! OLE OLE OLAYYYY!!!” Guess how that ends. World Cup Fever all over the bar and a lifetime ban from your favorite pub.

Do yourself a favor and stop drinking once stoppage time starts. That's how people die.

Banned Harassment Toilet Paper Commercial From The 70’s

Mr. Whipple was one of the first people to ever make a big deal about folks touching melons without their consent. In that way, he’s actually a very important yet forgotten pioneer in the women’s civil rights movement.

The Top 5 Ways To Refer To People With Dwarfism Without Using The M-Word

Isn't it time we stop
using the m-word and d-word?

By now we all know that it’s inappropriate and insulting to refer to people who have dwarfism by the “M-word.” We all know what that word is, I’m not even going to type it because it’s hurtful. Some people like to use the word “Dwarf” or “Little person” as replacement terms, but to me those feel just as bad. A dwarf is a mythical creature, that’s not something you should be calling a human being. And of course “Little person” is basically like calling someone “Small” which is rarely a compliment. So there have to be some better terms out there to refer to these fine folks and I came up with a few that you can try and we’ll see how it works out. Here are the top 5 ways to refer to people with dwarfism without using the horrible M-word:

5. Limited vertical stature person

Now calling someone with dwarfism a “Limited vertical stature person” seems a little insulting because of the word “Limited” but it still sounds very professional.

4. Individual of biologically halted verticality

This is a lot to say, however I doubt anyone could be offended by it. It’s very clinical sounding language so you can’t go wrong with this.

3. Reverse giant

When you think about it, aren’t people with dwarfism just reverse giants? Why even call it dwarfism? Why not call it Reverse Gigantism? It’s just being a giant in the other direction.

2. Down to earth

Being “down to earth” is always a positive trait in a person. It means they’re normal and relatable to the average person. People with reverse gigantism are literally down to earth so why not call them that instead of the M-word?

And the number one best thing to call a person with dwarfism instead of the M-word is…

1. Sir or Ma’am

Yeah, that’s right. How about you just call them a person. That’s what they are. They’re not ewoks or munchkins or little fellas, they’re just people and they deserve as much respect as any other person if not more due to the crap they have to put up with from ignorant people.

We should probably be worshiping these people like living gods.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Weird if One of My Areolas is Bigger Than the Other?"

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Is it weird if one of my areolas is bigger than the other? I mean really bigger. My left nipple areola has like a three inch radius and the other a two inch diameter. I’m very self conscious about this. Some people think it’s weird and some people tell me it’s not. I think those people who tell me it’s not might be lying. What do you think? -- Morgan from New Rochelle, New York

Dear Morgan:

The weirdness of your nipple situation all hinges on your gender. If you’re a man then yes this is very weird. If you’re a woman it’s still uncommon, but not as weird because women tend to have larger areolas of varying sizes. Still, man or woman it’s not that bad. It’s just an areola, it’s like the platform of the nipple. No one should really care or treat you differently based on this. If anything it probably looks like your smaller nipple is winking.

Generally speaking, anything bigger than a pancake is bad.

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Dumbass Sayings: “LIfe’s A Beach”

Life is a beach,
sometimes you get
skin cancer.

Sometimes when you’re being verbally reprimanded for masturbating in the break room you’ll be in your boss’ office and you’ll look at his coffee mug and it says “Life’s a beach on it.” What kind of nonsense is that? Life is a beach? That’s apparently supposed to be a play on the saying “Life’s a bitch.” The problem is, that’s not even a real saying. When was the last time you hear someone say “Life’s a bitch”? If you’re going to parody something on a coffee mug it should be somewhat relevant. Let’s just assume it has nothing to do with life being a bitch. Life is NOT a beach. At a beach I can walk around in nothing but a thong and it’s totally acceptable. Try doing that at Walgreens and see what kind of reaction you get. Most times an employee will alert the manager and the police will be notified. If life was really a beach people would be too busy having fun, surfing, or just sunbathing to care about the fact one of my nuts slipped out of my banana hammock.