What in the Red Hell Was Susan Boyle Thinking?

Susan Boyle, the woman who showed the world that just because you're homely doesn't mean you can't be worthy of admiration, received a silver medal at the "Britain's Got Talent" finals.

She damn sure should have won, but made a fatal flaw in choosing to sing the same old song again. This is the 21st century Susan, we want new things. We can't legally have jet packs so at least give us a new song. The second time around, (after all the online viewings and initial, sadly genuine "Wow, I didn't know ugly people could have talent" factor) just didn't cut it and I'm not surprised.

It's not really Susan's fault, it's Britain's Got Talent's fault... They knew exactly what was going on when they sent that woman out there and the whole idea that Susan Boyle proves that no one should ever judge a book by its cover is insulting. She's a woman who according to them, had never been kissed and sat around in a flat all day with a parakeet, of course singing wouldn't be out of the question. Which makes me wonder why she didn't have any other songs in mind to perform. I guarantee if she had sung "Thriller" by Michael Jackson, she would not only have won the contest, but be worshiped as a deity by all. Furthermore, that admiration would shift the world's view and general opinion of beauty to include women who look like Susan Boyle and alter the course of humanity altogether. It's a shame that didn't happen.

UFO spotted over New York City?

This is footage I captured off a NASA computer after sneaking into their secret headquarters in June of last year. Their voice activated photo manipulator was very intuitive and an amazing experience, of course nothing could have prepared me for what I saw there. I'm literally still shaking, and that's not just the Cocaine withdrawal kicking in either.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Could weather forecasts be wrong more often?

Dear Weather.com,

You probably have no idea that I'm onto you. I know exactly what your scam is. You tell me it's going to rain all day long and I prepare for rain. I slip on my giant purple poncho and weatherproof thong and head out the door. Then I'm sure ya'll get a big ol' LAUGH at me when the clouds refuse to pour fluid down upon us. Yeah, that's so funny I forgot to mention that I'm enraged. If I could count all the times you've said it was going to rain and it didn't, on one hand, I'd be stared at in public way more than I already am and would never be able to buy a decent looking glove for my new freak hand with hundreds of fingers on it. You people make me sick. You think as long as it doesn't rain when you predict clear skies that's fine. Yeah, maybe for you, but you're not the one with a 4 foot long hot pink umbrella that has to lug that thing around like an idiot everywhere you go when it doesn't precipitate!!!

Sincerely

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Does the "American Idol" voting system require reform?

I'm not currently assigned to any specific political party, but I do know what to expect from a democracy as opposed to a fascist state. After this current voting debacle, American Idol runs the risk of facing severe sanctions from other world powers if it doesn't straighten up and allow its constituency to make their vote matter. This isn't North Korea, it's a Television Show, that means it's serious! Of course AI is directing a lot of the heat toward AT&T, but they're a scapegoat. This is a rot that starts from the inside. If the proper regulatory coalitions do not fix what's wrong, AI threatens to become its own rogue Communist state and further expand their cold death grip on the world. That is why I am proposing to drop several millions of dollars worth of incendiary devices on American Idol before we have another world war on our hands. You saw what happened when we appeased Hitler. That can't happen again, but if it does, don't come crying to me when your daughter is storming Hollywood with an M1 Garand facing rapid fire pop music sound waves that will eat her brain alive.

You have been warned. It is not too late,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Do astronauts know where babies come from?

You would think that with all their mathematical knowledge and technical skills, the idea of child birth wouldn't be too far out of their grasp especially considering they probably have kids of their own. But there is something about pre-launch cake eating that just doesn't sit well with a lot of 'nauts and they get a little jittery, maybe they even throw a couple drinks down their gullets, we can't be too sure, although let's please hope that is the case, because if this is their sober response, we're all doomed.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What's The Funniest Job Posting You've Seen on Craigslist?

Craigslist has to be one of the best things technology has given us in the past fourteen years, (not considering all the murders and rapings it's led to.) I suggest devoting some time to check out craig'slist's job section for hilarious comedy that will almost make you forget you're eating spagettios for dinner tonight.

I'm not going to include any details about these jobs, but if you are interested in any of them please reconsider your life's course right now and fix the situation before it's too late.

-Dog Caretaker

Your daily activities include, but are certainly not limited to, greeting customers with a smile and confidence; running up and down stairs; feeding according to instructions; supervising group play; walking dogs; cleaning up poop and pee; CLEANING; playing with the dogs; helping around the store when needed; being organized. This is a very fun position with a great group of dogs, each with their own personality.

Serious applicants MUST be slim and fit, comfortable with their bodies ( i.e. sunbathing topless is not a big deal), and extremely attractive. Experience in the healing arts or sensual work is not required. Foreign applicants are welcome.

-Foot model

To get this job you must be very attractive, have pretty feet, be open minded about fetishes and fantasies, adventurous, and enjoy parties and being fun and social. You also must be punctual and responsible at the same time.

We are hiring asap so apply now if you feel you qualify please
send ALL THREE of the following....

1. Your Name
2. Your Number
3. A Recent Photo

We won't take some tardy pretty footed bitch, and we won't be fooled by another 70 year old woman that used to have nice feet.

-Sleep study

We are currently looking for healthy, normal weight men and women, age 30-45, to participate in a sleep study. This is a 2-phase, inpatient study. You must be willing to stay at the research center for 2 periods of 6 consecutive days to participate and must regularly sleep at least 7-9 hours/night ignoring strange feelings around your hoo-hoo.

I really hope none of those are real jobs, but then again that means that whoever shows up for an interview will probably be lured into an abandoned factory and beaten over the head with a crowbar, so actually I do hope they are real jobs...

Was this the best scene from "The Dark Knight"?

Personally I thought it was kind of unnecessary and almost ruined the mood of the film, but Hollywood these days... What happened to J-Biz after he left that party anyway? Did they ever explain that?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What is being done about reported cases of astronaut abuse within NASA?

I uncovered this shocking video awhile back and have been told to keep it a secret for obvious reasons. They just don't want you to know that this kind of thing is going on, but it is, and it is despicable. These astronauts are some of the best minds and qualified technicians we have on Earth and they're being treated like spit by others just because they too are astronauts. They figure that makes it okay, well it doesn't, Mission Specialist Robert Schuler! Sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that name, oh well, I can't take it back now.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The Youknighted Steightz of America?

I joined blip.tv to showcase some of my stranger work that won't be seen on YouTube for legal reasons... But also just in case YouTube ends up charging money to use its service considering they're bleeding money. From what I've seen of blip so far it's not bad. If there ever is a mass exodus from YouTube, this is the best haven I've seen so far. I looked at Revver for a little while, but they turned out to be awful. I uploaded a video there and it never got finished processing. Then the site broke every time I tried to access my dashboard... Stay away from Revver. Blip is a little bland and looks like Facebook, but if YouTube screws us then we'll be screwed no matter what, the best you can do is find a way to escape quickly and slam the door on their rape device. I suggest you check out blip.tv if only for a moment and let me know if you see something wrong that I missed. It seems too good to be true.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Scott Peterson + Lori Drew = Drew Peterson?

What happens when you take the last names of two alleged killers and combine them to make a super murderer? I don't know, because I don't really pay attention to this real crime drama stuff. But having a guy named Drew Peterson in the news is like having a guy named Wang Cho in the news, which I'm sure is constantly happening in Asia... I don't get this crime drama stuff. It's socially acceptable to watch and follow stories about people who allegedly committed heinous crimes, but people consider me weird when I want to milk a tarantula? I actually thought Drew Peterson was Scott Peterson for awhile, but then I saw his photo and wondered how someone could age so quickly.

Lori Drew was the housewife who convinced her daughter's former friend to commit suicide through MySpace in an act of "Cyber-Bullying." This is a delicate topic but I'm an expert on it after being subjected to a lot of so-called CB. I think that if you can be convinced to commit suicide over the internet or on the phone, even in person by a stranger, you were probably going to at least attempt it sometime down the line on your own terms. If you feel the need to question my views, remember this is coming from someone whose own mother once told him to "Slice your f*cking neck open with a razor blade!" But I didn't do it. Ya know why? Because I knew she was joking around. The key to survival in today's technological world is not taking anything seriously. Back in the 19th century people had senses of humor, but you never knew when you might catch the flu and die so you had to constantly be on edge. (My how far we have come!) Nowadays we're all in our own little bubbles linked together in a giant blob of sh!t known as the internet. When that's the case you can't take anything anyone says to mean a damn thing, unless it's positive, but even then they might just be trying to get you to post more naked pics of yourself.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Who rollerblades after a tornado?

Here's a pretty interesting video about tornadoes from National Geographic. By interesting I mean it shows lots of cool destructive wind funnels that eat human dreams. The only really strange part is around the 2:32 mark when a kid riding rollerblades shows up.



Who the hell does this kid think he is? If his home was destroyed, first of all I would like to apologize, but then ask: Why would you skate around looking at the devastation? Shouldn't you be with your parents crying on your appliance tattered lawn? That makes me think this kid is just some douchebag from a neighboring town that barely missed the wake of the tornado. He wasn't smiling or anything from what I saw, but I didn't appreciate that little 180 spinorama he pulled for the camera. Maybe I'm looking too far into this, but what if I'm NOT?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Should taller people be paid more?

Yahoo! news reported an Australian study that showed that tall Australian people on average made better incomes than short people:

"The researchers found a strong link between wages and height, particularly for men, with each additional 10 centimetres (four inches) of height adding three percent to hourly wages."

"They calculated that every five centimetres (two inches) above the average height of 178 centimentres (5 feet 10 inches) boosted a male's wages by the equivalent of an extra year's experience in the labour force."

This might make people mad because it shows bias and supports the idea that taller people are more desirable due to their healthy genes, but you really shouldn't be upset. If you think logically about it, tall people need more money, and not a lot more, but a 9% pay increase for being 6'10 is okay. Odds are a 6'10 bastard has to pay more for clothes and food than an average sized person.

Should a giant be paid the same as a normal sized person? What if the World Wrestling Federation paid Andre the Giant the same as an average sized wrestler? People enjoy tall freaks! They want them around! When they're in a good mood, they brighten people's day. So paying them an extra 80 cents per hour over a boring average sized titnibbler seems perfectly suitable to me.

There could be a chance this study outrages shorter Australians who will protest and demand pay equal to their ceiling scratching counterparts. They didn't mention if dwarfs experience a drop in pay compared to the average Australian. I'd imagine they do, but if that's the case then screw that! That would be wrong! You pay them more than the giants because they make the workplace an even more fun place to be in addition to not being able to go on a giant limb swinging rampage. The pay scale should go:

short/average/tall -> giant ---> dwarf

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Did Green Day rip off Full House?

I was just watching SNL and Will Ferrell was hosting with Green Day as the musical guest. They played their song "21 Guns" and as soon as I heard the guitar notes fly off of Garry Shandling's guitar I felt like I was a thirteen-year-old girl again, sitting by the fireplace watching TGIF. I wondered why. Usually that only happens after I eat a calzone and get tucked in by my grandma. Then I remembered the sound came from an old TV show, but which one? A few more seconds passed before I remembered it was Full House! And if you stare at that title screen too long the words almost stop having meaning...

http://greendayfullhouse.ytmnd.com/ - Whoever made this, great job because I wasn't going to! And the graphic was well done too. Notice the grenade heart being clutched on their last album and the correlation to the lyrics of the sample. Could this have been years in the making? How far does this thing go?!

Fortunately I'm not the only one who thinks this. The question now is, would this qualify as musical plagiarism? Could the "Full House" crew sue? I've noticed a lot of instances of what I think is musical plagiarism in the past that bands get away with because writing original music is nearly impossible these days. Still I have to say Green Day sounded boring, it was kind of sad to see them play because I used to like them growing up when the Sonics and Jazz were trying to beat Jordan every year. This past night looked like Michael Keaton had formed another band (in addition to the one he had in "Jack Frost") and teamed up with Sean Penn on bass and the deceased Chris Penn on drums with comedian Garry Shandling on guitar.

It does sound good though, I love the "Full House" theme. It actually sounds better than any new song I've heard in years. I found out that a guy named Jesse Frederick composed it, along with the themes from Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, and Step By Step! That means this guy qualifies as a musical genius in my book. He should do something about this and protect his delicious melodies before Kanye starts sampling something.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Did you know manatees give head?

It turns out an author has discovered that animals like manatees engage in odd sexual behaviors purely for fun. One of those behaviors includes the act of oral sex... It's true (that the author thinks this) but don't take my word for it, watch this video!

Haha, you actually thought I was going to show you a video of two manatees blowing each other... Do you really think if I had a video like that I would be sharing it? Anywho, I'm not making this up, though I wish I was because as I picture a manatee going down on a walrus I suddenly feel not so fresh. It's all the claim of author Jonathan Balcombe. In a Jennifer Viegas article for Discovery, she quoted Balcombe's paper from Applied Animal Behavior Science:

"Oral sex that appears purely for pleasure has been documented in goats, hyenas, various primates, manatees, bats and sheep,' said Balcombe, who added that homosexuality is practiced within at least 300 species. Masturbation, even among certain birds, has also been noted."

Great! Masturbating birds? If I didn't have enough to think about, now I have to worry about the level of whiteness in the pigeon crap that just fell into my mouth. I thought it was bad enough they were just sh!tting on me!

Now there's a pretty good chance that this Balcombe character is just making all of this up for a quick appearance in Binkie McFartnuggets' Mansion of Mania, but if it is true, then that means that animals might be more complex and like us than we've ever dreamed possible. Don't you think you would stop for a second before shooting a bird out of the sky for fun if you knew that he liked to fondle his own doodad just the way you're going to once you get home from the hunting trip? I mean think about it, that's empathy at its finest.

Which leads me to this other story about, what else? Strapping cameras onto the backs of tortoises in the Galapagos. Apparently they're doing this to be able to study the rare behaviors of the giant tortoise. This might seem fun, but surely no one would enjoy having a camera on their ass. Even if they don't notice it, it's still pretty intrusive. Are you saying it's okay to put a camera on a mentally handicapped person to follow their day-to-day life for your benefit?

Maybe the tortoises don't really mind, but what if the camera captures a couple of manatees in a compromising situation that they thought man would never be able to witness? They're already overweight, let's not make them feel worse about themselves. Why not just send a pod of slim, slick dolphins to swim by at the same time to mock them with echolocation and high pitched squeaks? Leave these animals alone!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Would you apologize after throwing your kids out of a car?

The woman in White Plains, NY who tossed her kids out of the car and drove off without them may not face charges. 45-year-old Madlyn Primoff managed to become a symbol for angered parents all over the globe overnight when she had it 'up to here' with her daughters. Apparently the kids had risen the level of where she 'had it' all the way to the point where it wasn't touching brain anymore.

In today's world swarming with child molesters, kidnappers, and other insidious characters, leaving your children on the side of the road after visibly illustrating your disdain for them in a theatrical production of frustration is just asking for trouble. Then again she didn't "literally" throw the kids out of the car, but hey I was being figurative, that's called poetic license. She had verbally ordered the kids out of the car, so in that case, it's the kids' faults. What did she say? "Get the f*ck out of the car right now or we're not going to Chuck E. Cheese?" What kind of moron would respond to that threat with compliance? Then again you could blame their idiocy on the mother from whence they came...

Here's the real issue, the woman is clearly mentally disturbed and whether that was caused by the children is irrelevant. What she did to those kids was not action befitting even a psychotic mother and here's why. Forget just leaving them, that's fine, that happens all the time, we've all been through that. What she did was exponentially worse because after she drove off, those girls were just left to wander around. Now a "good samaritan" would wonder what a young girl was doing all alone by the road and get her into their car right? No! That's what a child molester would do! So basically no one aside from a child molester or someone trying to do the right thing so badly that they forget luring a child into their car is bad, would have been able to the return the girls. The disturbing thing is that a lot of parents since this happened have been coming to Primoff's defense saying they'd do the same thing. There are other ways to punish your kids, if you really want to get rid of them, send them to your mother and say "I give up," like any normal person without an ego would.

Bottom line, this woman wasn't fit to have children and I can tell by the way she looks. Sure she's a little homely, but if it was illegal for homely women to have kids you wouldn't exist right now! Haha, only joking, I'm sorry you stepped right into that one. No, it's not her lack of MILFyness that leads me to believe she shouldn't be a mother, it's this eerie similarity:


The last time anyone who looked like these dudes had access to children, four went missing and were presumed dead. In the best case reported, one ended up having to take his family to live in a giant mechanical factory where he was cursed to live the existence of a chocolate eating hermit and orange midget slave owner for all eternity. And let's not overlook the fact that if you take off the first and last three letters of Madlyn Primoff's first and last names respectively you get:

Having "Mad" in your first name isn't too bad, but being an "off" isn't as good as it once was,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is it safe to give your chimp Xanax?

They found Xanax in Travis' (The Connecticut Actor Chimp) (Is that the grammatically correct way to write that sentence? No not this one, that one! Well actually this one still, since I haven't added a period, though I don't expect you to know how to answer that question since the end of the sentence is something you haven't even read yet, you're going to have to read all of this then go back to the top to figure out if this is gramatically correct or not) (Oh well I suppose it doesn't matter) body recently.

You may not know this, but I am an accredited Amateur Chimpanzee Psychologist, so allow me to speak on this. This is an outrage, because we all know what happens when you give a chimpanzee anti-anxiety medication. Chimps, unlike humans have no need for that kind of stuff. Their anxiety in the wild would arise from running from hunters and getting nervous before a first date. When you take a chimp home and force it to live a human-like existence, then its anxiety will increase when it's forced to deal with human douchebags who visit or who you just run into at the market while purchasing some grapes. The reason Travis went apesh!t was because he was experiencing unnatural anxieties and the medication probably didn't help. He might have been able to deal with his issues through normal chimp stress relief methods such as crapping in your own hand and flinging it at someone or just run-of-the-mill masturbation. Travis was contained to a diaper (from what I could tell by the news). There are two things that are incredibly difficult to do with a diaper on and that's crapping in your hand and masturbating. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to stand here and say chimps shouldn't be pets because I think they can be. What I am saying is that if you do have a chimp in your house then you need to take the diaper off. No diapers for chimps even if they aren't toilet trained, you can't do that to an animal. Hell, I'm not even sure diapers are okay for humans, so why in the hell would they be good for primates? Now I am assuming that Travis couldn't remove his own diaper. This is the part that confuses me, you're a chimp, you have strength, how can you not take off a diaper? If he wanted to, I'm sure he could have, but that means he wanted the diaper on. Who in their right mind would want to keep a diaper on for other than recreational usage? I think that's where the Xanax came into play and that's just wrong.

You can't just unring the bell of torture,

-Dr. Binkie McFartnuggets

Are you dead yet?

In Brisbane, Australia, a doctor pronounced a 92-year-old woman dead and the hospital promptly notified the family. What the doctor neglected to remember is that breathing still counts as a living characteristic even when it's coming from a 92-year-old. A few minutes later, the nurses inspected the woman and realized that she was breathing and the family had to be contacted again. Only three days later, the woman died, this time for real of an "undisclosed illness."

Imagine being the grown child of this woman, waiting for the inheritance and getting that glorious news on the phone. You're so excited you don't even put on trousers, you run out of the house in your Mickey Mouse boxers and a pair of ratty flip flops. With a huge smile on your face you rev the engine of your Fiat and set off to the hospital rubbing the peppers from your leftover fajita in the backseat on your eyes to get some real tear action going. Then when you get half way to the hospital, "Who Let the Dogs Out?!" starts playing and you answer your phone. It's the hospital. They made a mistake and your mom is still alive...

How in the Hell do you make a mistake like that? She was in pretty bad shape when you dropped her off at the hospital, what was she doing at the time the doctor thought she was dead that made her appear any more dead than usual? So you turn back around and hope to God this isn't some sort of karmic trick that's being played on you. Three days later she's still alive, you figure she's already 92, she might hold on another twenty years and break some world records, but you need that money NOW. So you call up someone at the hospital and agree to pay them fifteen hundred New Zealand dollars if they poison her morning toast with Vegemite. Did I ever mention that you are a very disturbed individual and I hope you rot in hell?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What are you going to rename your baby?

Emma was the most popular baby name in 2008 for girls, and boys whose delusional parents are going to raise him as a girl. Emma is a decent girl's name because there's no male counterpart to it. If you name a girl Justine, Fredricka, or Marcusa that's just asking for trouble. Young girls can be very cruel when it comes to dropping the last vowel off your name and pretending like you're a man just because you got caught chopping wood at your family's ranch last winter.

You can name a girl ridiculous crap because she's probably going to grow up to become a stripper and change her name to something she likes better anyway. Even if she doesn't, being named "Condoleeza" ain't gonna stop her from reaching high levels of professional office. Meanwhile ask me how being named "Binkie" is helping me rise to the top of the Wal Mart corporate ladder. Haha just kidding, I don't work...

It's naming a boy that would be difficult because they come under the most scrutiny all throughout life. A guy will make fun of a guy because he's named "Pecker" but a woman will also make fun of a guy if he's named "Mary Ann" meanwhile no one's making fun of the woman named "Ted" you see what I'm saying?

Personally if a woman I impregnate ever falls into a coma somehow and is unable to have an abortion, I would take pleasure in naming a child. Actually come to think of it, it would be stressful, I might have to name him or her "To Be Decided Later..." Then when it gets to be old enough to know what name it wants it can make the choice itself. I'll take the kid down to the hall of records and we can stamp it in the record books: "Poopsicle McFartnuggets."

Here are my top 5 baby names:

5. Lardo (boy)
4. Papaya (girl)
3. Craphonso (boy)
2. Silence (girl)
1. Prog (either or, including an alien-hybrid child actually that would be most suitable)

This kid is going places. I can see it now, wait that's a flying goat and it's just another hallucination,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What can you make with 10 sticks?

I have no idea what Smokey Bear is doing with this new commercial. It starts by words asking: "What can you make with 10 sticks?" Then for damn near 30 seconds they make different animal shapes out of matches, most of which don't look like the animals they're intending to depict (especially the snake). I recognized the tree, a goat, deer, and chicken hawk, though there had to be at least a dozen more. Finally the introspective climax hits you, "What can you destroy with one stick?" they show a lone match and fade to white. "Only you can prevent wildfires." Please note most of this is probably inaccurate due to my horrible short term memory, but it'll be fun to see what exactly I remembered correctly next time I see it.

This is not a smart commercial for a few reasons:

1. The idea that only one match can cause disaster and therefore isn't worth playing with when you can take 9 more matches and start making fun animal shapes is downright ridiculous.

2. If by some chance kids do think playing with matches by making shapes is more fun than lighting them, you're going to have kids stealing and even purchasing matches they wouldn't normally, in order to play with them, increasing the chance for disaster.

3. Why limit what someone can do in the art of match design to 10 matches? Why not say "What can you do with 100 matches? 1,000? 100,000?" Is it because you didn't want to make elaborate and awesome mosaic artwork with matches for your stop motion 10 dollar budget commercial that's supposed to convince children not to engulf the woods in flames?

4. If you're going to make people realize the real toll of wildfires you should show them real animals and real people. You don't show them fun, hardly recognizable matchstick compositions. Make people feel guilt, even if the person out there starting the fires is a jealous, down on his luck, communist psychopath, he might be watching and feel bad about who he's hurting. If he watches matchsticks dance around he's just going to want another cigarette.

That's pretty much all I can think of for the moment, but I was very disappointed by the ad. I've come to expect so much more from Smokey Bear. Any bear that has the wherewithal to put on slacks and a park ranger's hat has to be more competent than to allow something like this to bear his name (pun stumbled onto). So if by some chance this commercial didn't work on you and you're thinking about running off into the woods to spark some wildfires, just stop right now, don't move, sit there, don't f*cking do it! If you want to play with fire, do what normal people do: sit in the bathtub with a zippo and try to light your farts on fire. If you manage to do this well, upload it on YouTube immediately and send me the link.

Good luck, and watch out for a bushfire, but if you shaved all your pubes and donated them like I asked of you a few days ago then you should be fine,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Are the Memphis Grizzlies trying to be the Miami Dolphins?

Aside from both recently being at the bottom of their respective sports barrels, the Grizzlies and Dolphins do share a peculiar similarity. If you remember back to 2008 (the year when the New York Giants beat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII) the Dolphins had a lot of alumni involved in that year's postseason, most notably Wes Welker and Junior Seau on the favored Patriots and Sam Madison on the Giants. Okay so what? Who gives a nut?

This year in the NBA playoffs, the matchup between the Los Angeles Lakers and Houston Rockets notably features three players previously known best for being Memphis Grizzlies: Kyle Lowry, Shane Battier, and Pau Gasol. This shouldn't seem like such a big deal, but how many former Magic players are involed in this series? Brian Cook, that's about it and one former New York Knick Trevor Ariza for example, so clearly to have three from the same former team is a little odd.

Then throw into the idea that the Grizzlies were about as inept this past season as the Miami Dolphins were when they only finished with a single win in the 2007-2008 NFL season. Each team clearly had talent, but it was talent that could only go on to success in another system with established stars like Brady, Kobe, and Yao already there to make them better. If by some chance the Lakers do win thanks to Pau Gasol aka Sam Madison in a stunning upset the way the Giants beat the Patriots thanks to Eli Manning aka Kobe Bryant, it will probably be some underused, weird looking, no name on the Lakers who pulls a David Tyree to beat the Rockets, I'm looking at you Adam Morrison!

If this is a sign the Grizzlies have a lot in common with the Dolphins then it could mean the Grizzlies are set for a spike in success like the Dolphins experienced. Then again the Dolphins released Welker, Seau and Madison whereas the Grizzlies traded away Lowry, Battier, and Gasol in deals that gave them Rudy Gay. The Grizzlies are kind of like the Kansas City Royals to further compare teams from completely different sports. They do have a lot of young talent to go places, but they have to defeat years of failure and disappointment like the Rays did, perhaps they need a name change. Are there a lot of Grizzly Bears in Tennessee? Do they like country music?

The last time I had hair like that, Nixon was just learning how to be dishonest,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Where Do Farts Go When You Hold Them In?

Everyone knows that feeling where you need to "make some noise for James Brown", but for whatever reason, you're at a business meeting or inside a cramped Volkswagon with three strangers and you can't let it rip. you clench your sphincter with all the skill you have and eventually you feel a strange, unpleasant sensation. It's the feeling of at least one bubble of air inside your lower intestines traveling upward and further inflating your innards. Now that'd be fine, but it comes back... with friends.

Now I've heard a lot of weird things when it comes to farting, most recently a solid five second long fart I experienced earlier today where I had to actually stop and pray that I hadn't shat myself before feeling to make sure, but this is damn peculiar, from Wikipedia:

Not all flatus is released from the body via the anus. When the partial pressure of any gas component of the intestinal lumen is higher than its partial pressure in the blood, that component enters into the bloodstream of the intestinal wall by the process of diffusion. As the blood passes through the lungs this gas can diffuse back out of the blood and be exhaled.

I never knew people could fart out of their mouths, but that makes a lot of sense when you think about some people. If you know someone who talks a lot of shit then odds are it's because there's a lot of fart diffusion occurring in their lungs to help propel it out of their mouthole.

Gas is a crazy part of life, but some people don't want to embrace it as a part of life at all. It's just as much a part of you as your blood or the water and liquor you drink. The sooner you learn to embrace it, the easier I can let one loose in the doctor's waiting room without having everyone stare at me, especially when there's more than 6 shots loaded. Then maybe I wouldn't be there for the doctor to check on my digestive issues caused by holding in farts in public to begin with!

Did KFC screw us again?

Apparently KFC has reneged on their free grilled chicken deal, how convenient. This is total horse crap, you can't just offer a deal like this and then pull it out from under people's noses. I know Oprah is behind this, she's in cahoots with Yum! Brands and that godforsaken South African vagina that thinks we want their grilled chicken because it's delicious. We want it because you said it was for free you kuntclam! Now all these people have downloaded the coupon software and printed out their coupons for absolutely nothing. See I thought it was bad enough that they made us download their software for their disgusting grilled boned chicken, but then they took it one step further and didn't even go through with the offer getting what they want and not sacrificing a damn thing.

That kind of evil never even crossed my mind, and I have the capability of being extremely evil. That just goes to show you who you're dealing with. I hope from now on that anyone who printed out a coupon got their rain check form and submitted their address (even though that's what these rat bastards wanted to begin with obviously) and will go and take their chicken away from them for free. I wouldn't be surprised if people get flooded with KFC ads and promotions in their mail box at the least, the worst thing that could happen is they mail you a bomb disguised as a free chicken.

They knew they had to do something drastic, being one of the only fast food restaurants without a decent dollar menu and probably failing in this economy. I've had enough of this jerking around of the vulnerable public in this recession and we shouldn't take it from these purveyors of death and cancer anymore. You shouldn't listen to Oprah or anyone that appears on television for that matter, you should listen to yourself and do what you think is best for your clan of leashed babies.

I also noticed that during the Weekend Update segment on "Saturday Night Live," Seth Meyers made a joke about gay marriage in Maine and it being the best news in Maine since LL Bean started selling assless whateverthehells, the night before Bill Maher on "Real Time with Bill Maher" made a joke in his monologue about Maine's gay marriage, LL Bean, and assless khakis I believe, all I know is the word 'assless' was involved, it's pretty clear that SNL stole the joke from Maher, either that or it's a possible coincidence seeing as LL Bean's fruity crap comes from Maine and if you're talking gay it doesn't get gayer than assless pants, but then again, the fact that SNL's assless pants weren't khakis where as Bill Maher's were, is suspect at best.

Also, screw KFC and their Indian giving tactics, I know that's sort of a racist term, but screw that too! That's exactly what they did and we ought to shoot them in the heart with a bow & arrow or throw a hand axe at them that lands right into their chickeny forehead,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How did the economic recession save humanity from extinction?

Thank Wall Street for the air that you're breathing with your non-overly-mucus-filled lungs right now. I don't recall hearing anyone say this before, but there's a chance I will now that I'm putting this out there... The Recession saved us all from a horrible death.

In April 2009 alone, 539,000 jobs were lost (Bureau of Labor Statistics) as the unemployment rate rose from 8.5 to 8.9%. That's just April! Why is April important? Maybe because it was the freaking crux of the Swine Flu epidemic!

Massive amounts of people in America have been losing their jobs since December 2007. Since then an estimated total of 5,176,000 jobs have been lost. Now think about if those jobs were still around, never mind what it would look like if the economy was booming. We now have millions of people collecting unemployment checks and looking for jobs from home. They aren't staying inside all day long, but they certainly aren't standing behind the counter of Dunkin' Donuts for thirteen hours a day.

It only takes one person to spawn a pandemic panic, (as we saw in Mexico with that patient zero baby kid) so think of the damage 8.9% of the country could have wreaked! If even a fraction of those people had jobs they'd have been handling food, helping people shop, touching money, and going on planes to travel for business for hours at a time. Thank God that wasn't the case, well, thank the Recession.

I also have to thank people like me. Because I, like many others, cut off all human contact when word of the Swine Flu came my way. I wasn't overly precautions, but I chose not to interact with anyone until everything died down as I had confidence it would. Now what if I had been out mingling, dancing, and molesting? Then I catch Swine Flu, but the symptoms don't kick in fast enough and I get one group of women sick, they get their boyfriends and husbands sick, they get their co-workers and bosses sick, and so on and so forth before the entire planet is gripped by the H1N1 virus!

The timing of the Recession and Swine Flu could not have met each other any better. We have lived through the physical equivalent of a meteor whizzing by Earth and missing a couple hundred meters. No one realizes it though, no one will know to be grateful and thankful to the criminals on Wall Street whose greed actually ended up helping other people. Isn't that the most ironic thing you could imagine? These kind of events are the thing that make me want to believe there really is a god up there laughing his white ass off. Now CEOs and banks all over the country have already served their debt to mankind, but no one will ever know it (except me and you). Does that excuse them of their thievery? Normally I would say no, but when you consider the facts and what has happened, circumstances really did prevail in all of our favors. Sometimes it's enough to make you feel glad to be alive.

By the way, have you noticed how Daniel Day-Lewis' Daniel Plainview character in "There Will Be Blood" sounds totally like Christopher Lloyd? If you haven't noticed, check it out when you get a chance, it's trippy,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Will KFC find itself in hot oil thanks to free grilled chicken?

As you must know by now, KFC (with the aid of Oprah) is now facing extinction. They allowed everyone who was interested, to print out coupons for up to four free meals. The meals include 2 pieces of their new "tantalizing" grilled chicken, two side dishes, and one biscuit. The question is: Why in Hades would they agree to do this?

The promotion is obviously very popular, but so popular that many KFC locations are having to turn people away and irritate them to the point of defaming their name in the eyes of the public (no one likes a company that writes coupons their chickens can cash). That's not even mentioning the financial toll this promotion must be taking. Break out your abacus and do the math:

As of right now there are approx. 306,376,058 people living in America. Let's say a third of them print out only two coupons. That's roughly 204,250,706 free meals being thrown out by Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Now let's assume that each meal is worth $3.99 to the company in profit. That gives you a total of $814,960,317 in lost revenue. KFC's 2007 reported revenue was $520.3 million according to their company overview.

Sure they might not be losing that much, in fact, it would be ridiculous to think they would because a real life company wouldn't be dumb enough to let that happen right? They must know that even if people don't enjoy eating chicken, there would still be vegan animal rights people printing coupons to get and give the free meals to charities and homeless people just to hurt KFC's bottom line. (Honestly I would think that a better way to fight back at animal cruelty than releasing a pen of raccoons in North Dakota.) Is that happening? I'd like to think so, but who knows... I wish people had made more noise about this and given their coupons to homeless folks, though I think that might count as coupon fraud.

Anyway, why would Kay Eff Sizzle do this? My thought is that the special software you have to install on your computer in order to print the coupons is a factor. There must be something in there that will infiltrate your computer, something that will be able to steal information and keep even more tabs on you. What does KFC need to do with our identities and information? Nothing... But who has more money than Yum! Brands? The government of course. And don't you think they would be brilliant and conniving enough to pull off a scam like this? They pay KFC to do the unthinkable, and in return strengthen the power that fattening fast junk food and the overlords of the nation have over us all. Either that or there's crack in the chicken to force people to come back...
Well this certainly took a rough turn somewhere down the line,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Are Mall Cop Movies a Sign That Humanity Has Run its Course?

I understand that there is a shortage of original ideas for big budget motion pictures these days, but how were there two movies about mall cops this year (with room for more in the summer and fall)? Mall cops have been depicted humorously in film and TV before, they tend to be a part of life for many bored suburban teens, but that doesn't excuse this. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" made $145,501,364 in the American box office along with $30,950,300 in the rest of the world, which I'm guessing was mostly Canada and Malaysia.

Then came "Observe and Report" which did significantly less making of money with an overall profit of around 5 million dollars. These films were a big departure from the past, like back when movies coming out in the same year with nearly exact premises, premisis, premesisis... "Armageddon" and "Deep Impact" grossed a combined 900 million dollarooskis in 1998. Prior to that was the '93-94 connection of similar baseball kid movies "Rookie of the Year" and "Little Big League" that grossed: God knows what because no one paid attention back then! It was a better time!

Have you noticed a trend? In the early 90's everything was going well aside from the Middle East which is always f*cked. But we were living in a world where a kid could dream about being involved in Major League Baseball. We still had hopes and dreams that didn't involve CGI. All along a giant wave was forming. The wave was made of our aspirations for the future, technology, and fear. That's when we started getting really interested in the end of the world (which is now what every other movie is about). The figurative tidal wave swept us all clean of our whimsical past and brought us into this new cold, barren world of robotic living. "Armageddon" and "Deep Impact" were our last gasps of breath. Since then there have been great movies, but when you're dealing with two movies at a time based on the same thing, that's a societal trend.

So now we're at mall cops... Let me recap:

(1993-1994) Baseball...

Who wouldn't want to go see these movies after seeing the joy depicted in the posters?

(1998) End of the world...

Not nearly as joyful, but still, at least exciting.

...Mall Cops (2009)

Please notice the mimicry the mall cop movie posters pulled on the baseball movie posters... Clouds THEN white? Clouds have nothing to do with mall cops, baseball sure, but mall cops? I'm onto you bastards!

Don't think of mall cops as something rising from the ashes, they are merely the destruction left behind. Thankfully they aren't a huge deal the likes of Hannah Montana... but they are an indicator of where we are at as a world culture. This is all we have left. There will be shimmers of promise, but like the football player who falls out of his fishing boat floating in chilling waters for a day, the light you see is just a trick your brain is playing on itself. Could mall cops be the next cowboys? Could we be entering a world where there's an entire film genre devoted entirely to mall security? I hope not, but fortunately the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would then rip through the screen and slice everyone's heads off with broadswords to ease the pain. Let's avoid any more asteroid/comet collision ideas, it's been done!

Doesn't this look more fun? Okay fine, let it be an asteroid, like I give a crap.

Is it ethical to harvest human fur for clothing?

Why do we use animal furs for clothing? Have you forgotten how hairy a human can be?

I'm not some crazy animal rights activist, but I do believe animals deserve our respect. That is why I among no one, have begun the act of shaving my own fur off and donating (forcibly in some cases) to clothing stores, retail outlets, and even a Best Buy, to decrease the world's need for animal pelts. I know that if we can all get together and sacrifice our own body hair, it can go into the production of scarves, mittens, ski hats, and (in some Italian/Middle Eastern cases) trench coats. The best part is, no one has to die, hopefully.

I understand that human body hair is not as fine or prized as animal fur, but with a little simple care and conditioning, your body fuzz can be as sought after as that of a Moroccan Minx. Billions of animals' lives will be saved so that they can go on and live their thrilling lifestyles without being harassed for their hair by some freak typing a blog...

Now like every good thing in life, some things can be taken too far. When I saw this news story, I got a very worried feeling. I can only hope that these kidnappers took the child for his hair to harvest it while he's alive, but they had better know that justice will be served in one form or another. If you're reading this punks, get your own God damned hair!

So that's about it, go down to your local drug store, pick up some disposable razors, a box of Hefty bags, and get crackin'. And NO SHAVING CREAM! I cannot stress this enough! It must be bare hair! BARE HAIR! I know that sounds rough, but the cream or any other lubricant would damage the hair and make it unusable. Do you think anyone would want to open up a bag of hairy cream?

In case you aren't sure where to start, here's a helpful diagram:
And that's just the FRONT! Notice how I blocked out areas you should avoid, merely for your own sake. If you do feel skilled enough, be my guest; you'll find some of the best hair, but know the consequences of your actions both mentally and physically. Why are you still reading this? Start shaving!

May the blades of your razor remain unclogged until you have a sufficient bag of hair,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What kinds of animal milk are unsafe for human consumption?

Do you ever wonder why you never see someone jogging down the street squeezing a bottle of hippo milk into their mouths? I know I do, constantly. Why are we as humans limited to the drinking of certain animal milks? Cows, goats, and that's about it, that's all I can think of... How about flamingo milk? Don't you think that'd taste delicious? They eat a lot of berries, you might get tropical flavored milk. For whatever reason people don't enjoy variety in milk. There's chocolate milk, regular, then strawberry, sometimes banana, beyond that not even blueberry milk and God help us if I tried to sell someone cinnamon milk; meanwhile the thought brings tears to my eyes.

Top 5 Milks I Would Like To Sample:

5. Walrus
4. Chimpanzee
3. Giraffe
2. Dinosaur
1. Salma Hayek

Which mammal milks do you want to imbibe? Whale milk was on my list until I realized it would taste more like fish milk, if fishes produced milk. Fishes should make milk, then shark milk would be possible and I have to say that would sell the best out of all non cows/goat milks. This could catch on, wine tasting is fun, but only after everyone's drunkdancing with Sinbad and Phil Hartman to The Commodores.

"Here, try some lizard milk and here's a pail to vomit in just in case. Keep the pail in circulation ma'am, we've got a lot of people here and only one bucket," said me hosting my first milk tasting jamboree.

May you be able to take a dump in a public bathroom without someone trying to get into your stall,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What Happens if a Person Drinks Vampire Blood?

I don't know much about vampires other than what I've seen from John McCain, haha just kidding sucker. But really I don't follow vampire mythology, which is why I was shocked when I wondered to myself, "What would happen if I or any normal person drank vampire blood?" Of course you might say, "Binkie, no 'normal' person would drink vampire blood you sick freak." Fine, but what if you were forced to drink it, by a vampire?

Some people have this idea that vampires don't actually have blood which I found laughable. Every living being out there has some sort of bodily fluid or juice if you will that keeps their bodies moist with life. Even if by some chance they don't have blood, what the hell happens to the human or animal blood they consume? Wouldn't that then be considered their blood? What does vampire urine look like? I'm sure this is all viciously documented in those countless four inch thick vampire romance novels on sale at CVS that I wouldn't read even if I was literate, the fact remains I am unaware of that documentation. Even if I was, I wouldn't trust that information. This is not something just some woman can fabricate on a whim! That's what makes all this vampire information very sketchy to me. I would go catch a real vampire and keep them in a jail cell to study them, but they'd turn into a bat and fly through the bars, or use their Motorola to call the police. I can't afford one of those fancy ass Hannibal Lector plexiglass enclosures, not to mention a cell phone radio wave scrambling device.

Anyway, the question is "What happens to you when you drink vampire blood?" I would think it turns you into a vampire. And if some how you manage to extract blood from a vampire you deserve it. If anyone has advanced information about this, please let me know; I seriously am interested at the moment which is bound to pass right... now. Well anyway I've gotta go put on my new vampire costume and hang out in front of a 7-Eleven.

What will my first blog post look like?

Yes that's right titsnapper, this is your new home. Mi house es tu house, as they say in Argentina. Actually Mexico is the whole reason I'm doing this right now. I've realized that life is more than just sleeping 18 hours a day, crapping for 2 and a half, eating for 1, and staring at the hallway wall for 2 and 3/4ths and typing this for fifteen minutes. Have I changed my day-to-day life to avoid H1N1? No, I was always wearing a surgical mask and washing my hands whenever someone looked back at me through my window blinds, but now I have a newfound respect for life and I really don't want my ogregasmic ideas to rot away with my brain in an irrigation ditch somewhere.

I was apprehensive about writing a blog only because I was afraid people were going to steal my ideas and use them for evil, before I could. By now I've realized that maybe that's why I was meant to be here to begin with. Not many people think the things I think, if you think you do than think again, if you've thought that thoroughly I think maybe you've got the thinking power to be affiliated with my thoughts.

I think it's time to expand my grasp on the globe and start bringing the insanity to new realms of existence. I do want to change the world for the better, I think we need people like me, so you can point your finger and say that's the good guy. So say good morning to the good guy, because this is the first time you're going to see a good guy like this initially...

Just to give you a taste of what's in store I'll enclose a sample of my writing: I was going to post a drawing I made, but I remembered that I deleted it months ago. Please accept this video I stole from NASA in its stead.

May you frighten Trick or Treaters who knock on your door despite the sign you put on the front door that says "Leave Me Alone Punks!",

-Binkie McFartnuggets