Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come When I Ask The Waiter For A Check He Brings A Bill?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I tried eating at an Applebees for the first time last night and the food was terrible. The riblets tasted weird like it was rat meat or something. Then when I was ready to leave I asked the waiter for a check. This guy comes over and gives me a piece of paper with a number at the bottom it was not a check it was more like a bill. I asked for a CHECK. I said “CHECK PLEASE!” and this guy brings me the complete opposite of a check. Normally when you get a check from someone it has an amount of money that they’re giving to you. Then you take it to a bank and get cash from the check. This son of a bitch gave me a list of the things I ate and the price of them all added up and asked me to pay for it. That’s not a check that’s a BILL. What is wrong with these people? Did they really think I would pay to eat at an Applebees? I decided to try it because I was drunk and they just lost a customer. Maybe that’s why you work at Applebees! I bet when they get paid they don’t get a bill in the mail! -- Naomi from Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Naomi:

Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I guess it is a little confusing how a “check” at a restaurant is actually a “bill.” But you couldn’t honestly expect to be paid for eating at a restaurant. How would they stay in business? If anything you should have spoken to the manager about the food and maybe they would have let you eat for free, but I don’t think they would actually pay you unless you got really sick and sued them. I do agree though they should probably just start calling it a “bill.” If we can call waiters “servers” I think we can call checks “bills.”

All of Guam's friends are going to be hitting them up for money now.

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