Dumbass Sayings: "Be Still My Beating Heart"

Sometimes when you flirt with one of your grandma's friends down at the retirement home the old lady will say "Oh be still my beating heart!"  I never understood this saying. Of course we all know it's Shakespeare, but that doesn't excuse the fact that it makes no damn sense. Why would you want your beating heart to stop? You realize you'll die, right? If your beating heart goes still you will be technically deceased. Stop inadvertently wishing for cardiac arrest. If anything, say "Calm my pounding heart." That would make more sense. It's not Shakespeare, but at least it communicates your message in a less nonsensical manner as opposed to 16th century English that is outdated even for 89-year-old women at death homes.

Good thing you don't always get what you ask for.

Dumbass Sayings: "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder"

So when you jump bail the
judge's heart grows fonder?

There's an old saying that goes "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." If that's true then how come when I missed a week of classes in 3rd grade I wasn't met with more excitement by the teacher? Her heart didn't grow fonder or even fond! Mrs. Shinsky didn't even notice I had been out for five days straight with mononucleosis and when I got back I had no idea what was going on in the class. Apparently I missed a bunch of lessons in long division and was completely lost for the rest of my student career. I tried asking for help, but those kids just learned the stuff themselves they were in no position to teach it!

If absence makes the heart grow fonder then how come I don't love my father more? Since he's been absent since I was 4-years-old shouldn't that make my heart fonder than anything for my father? No, instead I hate that son of a bitch more than anything in the world so no absence DOESN'T make the heart grow fonder and whoever said that was a know-nothing doodoo face!