Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Recover From Being Left Hanging From A High Five?”

A high five can be a destructive weapon
if it's not deployed properly.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I like to give a lot of high fives, it’s sort of my thing. Except that sometimes I hold up my hand and the other person either doesn’t see me or doesn’t want to slap my hand so I get left hanging and everyone around me looks at me like I’m a doofus. I have to slowly lower my hand and I feel stupid. What can I do differently to look cooler when this happens? -- Tina from Sacramento

Dear Tina:

Here’s an easy solution, whenever you’re holding up your hand for a high five and someone leaves you hanging, just keep your hand up. A high five is kind of like a missile that you arm and fire away at another person. When your missile is armed and you can’t launch it then you can either have it blow up in your face or you can do what Randy Quaid did in “Independence Day” and fly into a giant alien vagina and save the world. Well you can’t really do all of that, but you can do something like that. When you get left hanging by someone, keep your hand held up in that high five position and wait for someone else to slap it. Then make that high five as awesome as you can and make sure the person who passed it up sees it so they know what they missed out on. Then that turns THEM into the idiot. Once you finally get that high five it doesn’t matter who it’s with or how drunk you are, you’re the hero at that moment and your son who looks like Keanu Reeves is very proud of you.

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The Best Thing To Say When You Accidentally Slip Or Hit Your Head In Public

Exaggerating the injury can help
cut the embarrassment.

Aside from having an accident in your pants, the most embarrassing things that can happen to you in public are slipping or hitting your head by accident like a dummy. These days the most common thing to say when this happens is “You didn’t see that.” What are you jedi? You’re not Obi Wan Kenobi, everyone saw it and saying “You didn’t see that” only confirms that you’re embarrassed it happened and sears it into people’s short term memories. The other popular thing to say is “I meant to do that.” This not a bad thing to say, but it’s been so overused it’s lost all its meaning.

Things are only embarrassing if you’re embarrassed. The thing is, people can sense when you’re embarrassed by how you react. By saying “You didn’t see that” or “I meant to do that” it’s obvious you are embarrassed and no one’s fooled. In order to save yourself true embarrassment from falling or hitting your head you can do one of two things.

1. Say something so crazy that it automatically takes the focus off what just happened.

If you can think of something fast to say that’s so insane that it makes everyone focus on that and completely forget about you just falling on your ass then that’s a great strategy. I usually like to say something like “I have both male and female genitalia!”

2. Pretend like you’re seriously hurt.

When someone sees you slip or hit your head they love to laugh and point to make you feel stupid. Well you can turn that around on them by pretending you just seriously injured yourself. Fortunately this doesn’t require too much acting talent since you probably really did get hurt, you just have to exaggerate everything. Lay on the ground screaming and grabbing your head. Usually most people will stop laughing at that point and try to help you. At that point you can usually stand up and hobble away. The only negative to this is someone might call an ambulance and then you have to lie to paramedics and file reports, etc. It can work pretty well, but I like to go with the male and female genitalia thing to avoid wasting the time of EMTs and doctors.