Dumbass Sayings: “Well I’ll Be A Monkey’s Uncle”

When your family discovers the heroin addiction you’ve been hiding for the past five years someone in the room usually says “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” What a ridiculous and outlandish thing to say. Being a monkey’s uncle is nothing to brag about. This either means that your brother impregnated a monkey and is the father of a half-monkey half-human hybrid or it means your sister was impregnated by a monkey and gave birth to a monkey offspring. Either scenario is nothing you really want to be talking about in public. So yeah maybe I have a problem with controlled substances, but let’s talk about Uncle Jeff for a second. I think we have more pressing matters at hand here! I was wondering why Cousin Chim Chim loved bananas and jungle gyms so much...

When you're a monkey's uncle there's even more poo flung around the Thanksgiving dinner table than usual.

Dumbass Sayings: “Monkeys Are Our Closest Relatives”

People are always saying “Monkeys are our closest relatives.” If that’s the case why don’t we ever invite them over for Thanksgiving? First off, it’s chimpanzees and bonobos that are 96 to 99% genetically similar to humans, not monkeys. That really doesn’t matter anyway. People get hear those numbers and they freak out, but science tells us that over 95% of the mice genome is similar to the human genome. Pigs are also highly genetically similar to humans. You’d be surprised at how much DNA we share with other animals. That doesn’t mean they’re close relatives. Chimps and monkeys aren’t our closest relatives. If they were then you could get them pregnant like a cousin. As some of us know, that’s not physically possible. That 1% of genetic difference accounts for a lot. That 1% prevents a human sperm from impregnating a monkey egg and it’s also the reason you won’t see spider monkeys at your next family reunion. If you truly believe monkeys are our closest relatives I better go on your Facebook page and see you’re friends with at least five monkeys. Monkeys don’t even have Facebook. If they did then the I Love Bananas and Flinging Shit pages would be among the most popular on Facebook. They’re still popular, but they’re not AT THE TOP.

Just try launching your cousin into space against their will.