Dumbass Sayings: “Monkeys Are Our Closest Relatives”

People are always saying “Monkeys are our closest relatives.” If that’s the case why don’t we ever invite them over for Thanksgiving? First off, it’s chimpanzees and bonobos that are 96 to 99% genetically similar to humans, not monkeys. That really doesn’t matter anyway. People get hear those numbers and they freak out, but science tells us that over 95% of the mice genome is similar to the human genome. Pigs are also highly genetically similar to humans. You’d be surprised at how much DNA we share with other animals. That doesn’t mean they’re close relatives. Chimps and monkeys aren’t our closest relatives. If they were then you could get them pregnant like a cousin. As some of us know, that’s not physically possible. That 1% of genetic difference accounts for a lot. That 1% prevents a human sperm from impregnating a monkey egg and it’s also the reason you won’t see spider monkeys at your next family reunion. If you truly believe monkeys are our closest relatives I better go on your Facebook page and see you’re friends with at least five monkeys. Monkeys don’t even have Facebook. If they did then the I Love Bananas and Flinging Shit pages would be among the most popular on Facebook. They’re still popular, but they’re not AT THE TOP.

Just try launching your cousin into space against their will.