The Top 5 Signs It’s Too Damn Cold Outside

Sometimes just seeing cold
isn't enough proof.

If you’ve ever seen those commercials for Coors Light with the mountains that turn blue to let people know when their beer is cold then you know sometimes people have a difficult time processing cold weather stimuli. This is actually a serious condition. If you can’t feel cold then you can be susceptible to deadly pneumonia or even frostbite. For those people, here are the top five signs you know it’s too damn cold outside:

5. No public protests

Even in a time when there are tons of things for people to protest like the Michael Brown case, the colder it is the less likely people will stand outdoors for hours on end, yelling while holding signs. Even if you don’t have a job, it’s still very uncomfortable and hard to keep chanting while you can’t feel your lips. When you see zero people protesting outside you know it’s cold. How many Inuit protesters have you ever seen? They don’t have time for that shit because it’s too damn cold in Alaska.

Believe me, they'd protest if they could feel their nipples.

4. When people get into fights they say “You wanna take this inside?”

The classic phrase to yell when you want to fight someone is “You wanna take this outside?” But when it’s too damn cold out you’ll find more people saying things like “You wanna keep this INSIDE?” Because fighting outdoors when it’s below freezing isn’t worth it for anyone. Plus, with winter gloves on it’s more of a boxing match and no one really wants to see that.

It's a known fact that violent engagements in fisticuffs or other tomfoolery decrease in cold weather.

3. No public masturbation

One thing you rarely see when it’s freezing or below is people masturbating in public. In the summer it’s all over the place. Even if a hobo did want to smack his weasel outdoors, his balls would probably get stuck to the seat at the bus stop and he’ll be wishing he had some actual coffee in that cup to pour on them and loosen that mess up.

You don't see this type of thing very often in the winter months.

2. You slip in dog shit

You know it’s too damn cold when instead of stepping dog shit and getting it into every ridge in your shoe you simply just slip on it like a banana peel because it’s frozen solid.

The nice thing about super cold weather is you can replace your pooper scooper and bag with just a hockey stick and slap shot a frozen dog turd into a garbage can.

And the number one sign it’s too damn cold outside is...

1. When you fart, steam comes out.

It has to be pretty damn cold for steam to come out when you fart. You’d think it’d be easier to see considering how hot farts feel, but you just don’t see it until you get into the below freezing temps. That’s when you have to really wear thick snow pants and hope to god no one notices it looks like you’ve got a brush fire burning in your asshole.

When your butthole starts resembling a geothermal hot spring, it might be time to head inside.