Dumbass Sayings: “Baby”

When you invite your ex-wife to your grandmother’s funeral and she brings her new husband the two of them make out and say “Oh baby, oh baby, I love you baby.” Why do people say this? This is one of the most popular things for people to call their significant other and I just don’t get it. Do people even know what a baby is? It’s an incredibly young human puppy. Why would you connect the idea of sexual loving and an infant? You would never make out with a baby so why are you calling the person you’re making out with “baby”? Think about it. It just doesn’t make sense. I know people don’t really think about this when they call their sex partner “baby” but if that’s the case then why even say it? It’s weird because that’s the go-to phrase people use during sex. No one says “Oh honey, oh honey!” or “Oh muffin! OH MUFFIN!” It’s always with the “baby.” It’s disturbing and people need to stop. Come up with something better to call someone during sex, it’s creeping me out.

What the hell is that...

Dumbass Sayings: “Sports Utility Vehicle”

Station wagons with four wheel drive are often referred to as “Sports Utility Vehicles” or “SUVs.” This never made sense to me. What kind of sports are you participating in with a Sports Utility Vehicle? The only sport I can think of is truck soccer where you drive around a giant demolition derby arena pushing a giant soccer ball around with the front bumper. No one does that by the way, although they should that sounds fun and incredibly dangerous. The whole reason these things are called “Sports Utility Vehicles” is because they have a raised chassis that allows for off highway driving. Driving off the highway isn’t a sport, it’s something drunk people and people in high speed police chases do. Driving in general shouldn’t be considered a sport. NASCAR drivers aren’t athletes. It does take a lot of skill to do what they do, but it’s really just a step above a professional video game player. In both video games and driving, coordination and timing are key as is sitting. Driving is basically like extreme video games and racing is like extreme driving. Driving can only be a sport when people are racing each other and people who race on foot are considered athletes. People who put themselves in big steel mechanical transports with wheels to race can’t be considered in the same boat. It’s like if people played football in biomechanical exoskeletons. I don’t think they would be considered athletes, at least not the same way non-exoskeleton football players are. Cars just aren’t for sports.

No athlete goes anywhere without their utility vehicle.