Dumbass Sayings: “I Wouldn’t Change It For The World”

Sometimes people say really stupid shit like “I wouldn’t change it for the world” when they’re talking about a decision to take some time off work or something. Usually this is a saying people use when they’re secretly regretting something and want to make it seem like they don’t regret anything. They’ll say something like “Yeah I got arrested for accidentally leaving my kids in the car while I was at work, but I wouldn’t change it for the world!” Do people even think about what they’re saying? You wouldn’t change it for THE WORLD? So if a giant comet was coming to annihilate this planet and everything on it, and you could save the world by going back in time and changing that one small action you wouldn’t do it? What kind of sick son of a bitch are you? I don’t care if you’re talking about the birth of your child, if you had to change that for the world and you didn’t you would be the greatest villain who ever live. Hitler might have been bad, but he didn’t cause the entire destruction of Earth. People who use this saying and mean it are theoretically worse than Hitler, but I’m sure they wouldn’t change that for the world.

You wouldn't change your drink order for the world and now look what happened, asshole.

Easy Ways To Save Water

It's becoming more evident every single day that there will one day be a clean water shortage on this planet so it's important to avoid wasting water whenever possible. A lot of people have heard that you can save water by putting a brick in your toilet. This is true, but just to be clear, the brick goes inside the water tank of the toilet, not the bowl. Please do NOT put a brick in your toilet bowl. It won't save water, you'll just end up with a really stinky, piss soaked, shit covered brick. That being said, bricks are a key tool to help save water. Here are some other ways you can save water with the use of bricks.

1). Put a brick or two in your bathtub. 
If you take baths you should bathe with a brick. Not only will it help you use less water to get a full tub, it can also help you break off blisters on your feet and other areas of your body. It's also just generally handy to have for self defense in case someone breaks into your house. There's nothing that makes you feel more helpless than hearing someone break in while you're bare ass naked playing with your rubber duckie, but having a lethal weapon with you helps that tremendously.

2). Put a brick in every one of your sinks.
If you ever like to fill your bathroom sink and dip your face into it after your weekly cry, a brick will definitely help you stop wasting so much water. It's also helpful to have a brick in the kitchen sink for when you do dishes.

3). Put bricks in swimming pools and jacuzzis.
Of course the same principle that applies to sinks and toilets applies to swimming pools and jacuzzis. Simply, the more bricks you put in a pool or jacuzzi, the less water that needs to be used to fill it. If you don't have a pool or jacuzzi, you can always throw a bunch of bricks into your neighbor's pool or jacuzzi. Just make very sure there's no one in the pool at the time. I cannot stress that enough. And if you're going to put bricks in a pool, take into account the size of the pool. If it's a big one you're going to need to use dozens of bricks, or somehow make a giant single brick. I recommend many regular sized bricks. Have a wheelbarrow ready for easy transportation.

So there you have it, three really easy ways to help save water and lessen the odds that one day you're grandchildren will be murdering each other over one of Marco Rubio's midget Poland Spring bottles.

Great New Way To Help The Environment

If you're like me then you're always trying to find new ways to reduce your human strain on the environment. Just recently I discovered a great way to do this and it's something everyone can get involved in. If you're a person who is in the routine of taking one bowel movement every day (and for your sake I hope you are) start getting into the routine of pooping every other day instead. I discovered this by accident, but I soon realized that the human body really doesn't need to crap every day, you can skip a day. So far I'm fine. Why would you do such a thing? Think about all the toilet paper you'd be saving and all the water from flushing that wouldn't be used, and also the time that is saved by not straining out a crap.

Let me tell you something, if you're spending forty five minutes every day being patient with a turd because you think a human has to take a crap every single day to be "regular" then you need to cut that shit out literally and wait a day. By waiting those turds will be locked and loaded and ready to launch in mere minutes with very little downtime.

I wouldn't try to stretch it to holding in your poop two or more days, that could get dangerous as it is then legally considered constipation. Also this could negatively effect the conservation effort since you might end up needing to use more toilet paper in that one sitting than the amount you'd need for three separate moderate dumps. I feel like if everyone in the world could train their bodies to crap every other day the impact felt by this would be outstanding and perhaps enough to alter the entire course of Earth's history for the better. Please, do your part. Hold in your turd today and put it off till tomorrow.

Creative Ways To Save Electricity

With the economy and environment in shambles it's important to revise the way we live and operate in today's world. If you're like me you're always looking for new ways you can help lessen the burden on our power grid to ensure humanity makes it another ten years or so. One of the biggest and easiest steps I've been taking lately is shitting in the dark. There's no good sense in crapping with the lights on, you're wasting electricity. It's common sense, but you wouldn't believe how many people I've surveyed who say they don't poop with the lights off. Most people think it's actually pretty weird. That's unfortunate because the average human spends around half an hour on the toilet every day. That's 30 minutes of wasted electricity per person per day. Multiply that all across America and that's probably enough electricity to power Rosie O'Donnell's personal enjoyment item for a week.

Speaking of vibrators, don't use the kind you plug into the wall or even connect to your computer via USB port. Using regular battery powered ones will save electricity. If you want to be even better to the environment, use one of the old school wooden handcranked vibrators that your grandma uses. Yes an entire tree did die to make that thing, but you made it up to Mother Nature in the long run and the more use you get out of that thing the more good is done. Be careful for splinters, keep that thing well lacquered. Just make sure to wait a solid three hours for the lacquer to settle. It may be a good idea to coat the personal enjoyment item when you aren't horny on some downtime at work to keep from having to fight off the urge to use it too soon and potentially poison your vagina and or anus.