Dumbass Sayings: “Well I Never!”

Sometimes when an elderly woman sees you urinating in the front of a Red Lobster she says “WELL I NEVER!” You never what? Finish your sentences? This is just a flat out dumbass thing to say. I had to look it up and apparently if you say “Well I never” then that’s supposed to mean “Well I have never heard/seen something so (insulting, shocking, etc.) in my life!” Okay well that’s obviously a lie. If you’re so accustomed to saying something that you don’t even bother to finish the sentence then that clearly means you say it quite a lot and in this case that means you have seen or heard very shocking and insulting things before. Because of that, I would highly doubt seeing me publically urinate is top on that list. You’re lying, old lady. The truth is you go around being shocked and appalled all the time which is basically the opposite of “never.”

When you look like this, odds are a lot of things offend you.

Dumbass Sayings: “You’re a Doll”

Sometimes when you help an elderly woman get a box off a high shelf at the grocery store, assist her in crossing the street, or help her achieve orgasm she says “You’re such a doll!” Oh I’m a doll? Sorry if I don’t take that as a compliment. You know why I don’t? Dolls have no genitalia. Dolls are lifeless, creepy, plastic human likenesses that are usually complete eunuchs. Call me crazy, but that’s not the type of thing I want to be compared to. I’m not a doll, I’m a person. Either you’re comparing me to a plastic baby that shits fake apple sauce or a tiny miniature genitaless person, or you’re comparing me to a puppet of some sort. I resent all of those things, madam. Even if you were comparing me to a high end Japanese sex doll, the kind made of realistic skin that sell for upwards of $30,000 that come with a bluetooth vagina. That’s still not very flattering. Why are we calling people dolls? Because a doll is cute? They’re not really cute. A puppy is cuter and when the hell would it ever be acceptable to call someone a puppy? It just doesn’t make sense.

Yeah, that's me. Just a rosy cheeked crooked eyed freak with no nipples.