Dumbass Sayings: “Time of My Life”

Sometimes after a night out on the town with a beautiful woman she will say “I had the time of my life!” Really? You had the “time of your life?” Let me tell you something, every second is the time of your life. All “time of your life” literally means is the time in your life. I think people mean to say “The BEST time of my life.” If that’s the case then you should actually say that. You can’t just remove words from sentences and have it mean the same thing. Sorry! That’s not the English language works. See what I mean? I meant to say that’s not how the English language works. That’s not how it works because when someone says they had “time of their life” could mean “the worst time of their life.” Why do we just assume because someone left an adjective that automatically means something positive? If you just had such a good time then start using some damn descriptors to help try and paint a picture of how good it was, otherwise I’m inclined not to believe you.

"I had the greatest time of my life with you today, Seal Pimp."

Dumbass Sayings: “Time On Your Hands”

If you've got time on your hands
just masturbate. Then later you
can wash the time off.

Sometimes when people see the life sized replicas of your neighbors that you made out of their pubic hair that you’ve gathered over the course of a decade from their home when they weren’t there, they say “Boy, someone’s got a lot of time on their hands… A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR HANDS!” What the hell do you mean time on hands? You can’t have time on your hands. You can have time on your WRISTS, that’s called wearing a watch. Even then you’d only have time on your wrist because who the hell wears two watches? Maybe if I laid an old fashioned pocket watch in my palm to observe it I would have time on my HAND. I wouldn’t have a lot of time on my hand either I’d only have a day. Even then that’s not actually time, that’s just a device that we use to keep track of time. You can’t possess time. It’s an abstract concept. I don’t have any time on my hands. No one does, you freak!

Dumbass Sayings: “Time Flies When You’re Having Fun”

Pouring Red Bull on your clock
will not make time fly.

Maybe you’ve heard the saying “Time flies when you’re having fun”, but time can also fly when you’re not having fun. If you’ve ever been forced to meet a strict deadline at work you know that the time you have to complete the project or task will feel like nothing. If someone told you that you were going to die in exactly 24 hours, that 24 hours would seem to go by pretty damn fast. So if time can fly when you’re not having fun that makes the saying “Time flies when you’re having fun” completely worthless. The real saying should be “Time flies when you don’t want it to.” That would be a much more truthful statement. Whenever you want time to slow down it won’t. It’s all a matter of perspective really. Because you want time to slow down, its normal constant rate automatically seems to be going faster because you’re subconsciously expecting slow motion. Time doesn’t slow down for anyone so give it up!

Dumbass Sayings: “A Watched Pot Never Boils”

A watched vaporizer never
fills with smoke.

Everyone knows this saying is a load of horsecrap. It’s clearly exaggerated. Of course a watched pot will boil as long as you have heat under it. A watched pot can even boil WITHOUT heat as long as you’re Cyclops from the X-Men.

A more truthful saying would be “A watched person never dies”. You know how you can wish injury or death on someone you really hate? It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. What if you were living during World War II? A lot of people wanted Hitler to die, but he wasn’t going to on his own. If a man kills your family and you want him to die you can wish it and think it 24 hours a day, but what are the odds he’s going to die right then? If he did people would think you had magic powers. I can go boil a pot of water right now and watch it the whole time, but killing someone by watching them? If looks could kill…