Dumbass Sayings: “Works Like A Charm”

Sometimes you’ll hear your neighbor talking about their new rectal cream they say “It works like a charm!” Let’s think about that saying for a second. You’re saying this thing “works like a charm” charm meaning a magical charm, I assume. So it works like a magical charm, so not at all? I got a newsflash for you people, magic charms don’t work. Magic isn’t real, that’s why magicians had to call themselves illusionists. Magic charms are complete bullshit and they nearly never work even by coincidence. When you say “works like a charm” you’re literally saying the opposite of what you mean and that’s just damn stupid. Instead you should say “works like an Apple sweatshop employee” or something that actually works, then that might make a little bit of sense.

This charm will work pretty well, if your goal is to get tetanus.

Dumbass Sayings: “Keep Your Friends Close And Your Enemies Closer”

Jesus could have kept Satan closer,
but he didn't.
He sent his ass far away to Hell.

This is a saying that no one should ever take seriously. You should NEVER keep your enemies closer than your friends. If you decide to do this then you’re probably inviting your worst enemies to your birthday parties, Thanksgiving dinner and even Christmas. I can’t tell you what a bad idea that is. If you think dealing with relatives around holidays is rough, just imagine how tough it is when you’re dealing with people who want to see you dead. Every meal is a gamble over whether or not you’re being poisoned. Every night you have to worry about being killed in your sleep by the enemies you’ve invited over for a slumber party. It’s just an awful idea. You can keep your enemies close, but NOT closer than your friends. I don’t know why the hell that’s part of it. Whoever created this saying was going too far with that. They were onto something, but took it too damn far and made it stupid.