Three of The Most Ludicrous Commercials Banned From TV

These are some creep ass commercials. First of all this woman is smelling a handful of poop and doesn’t even realize it? What did you think it was, ma’am? Don’t act so shocked! We’ve all accidentally brushed our teeth with Preparation-H before, but it’s so wrong to see a kid doing it. Keep your H away from children, folks! And lastly there’s one of the most disturbing commercials of all-time. Totally inappropriate.

Dumbass Sayings: “You Leave A Lot To Be Desired”

Sorry I'm not a love letter
from your dead husband.

Sometimes when you’re at a parent teacher meeting for your son the teacher will say “Your son leaves a lot to be desired.” You say, “Good! I’m glad! You shouldn’t be desiring him to begin with! This is a school, you freak!” Then they say “It’s a figure of speech, I’m not attracted to your child.” And then you punch them in the face and before you know it the police are taking only YOU away in handcuffs like that’s fair! I get arrested for punching a child abuser? Then to make matters worse the teacher says “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…” as I’m being hauled into a squad car. This son of a bitch is allowed to teach children while he’s judging them on a basis of what’s “desirable” or not and I have to be let out on bail? What the hell is wrong with this country? I’m glad my kid leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe that’ll keep him safe in prison when he grows up and knocks out some twisted freak just like that teacher.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do I Have The Urge To Smell Stinky Things?”

Fingers smell funny.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come whenever I put my finger up my butt I always want to smell it? It’s like an addiction. I can’t put my finger in my butt and not sniff it. I want to know why this happens? I also sniff my own armpits and my sweaty socks. I don’t even enjoy it, I just do it Why do I have the urge to smell stinky things? -- Danielle from Wisconsin

Dear Danielle:

Science doesn’t really have an answer for this question. No one knows why we have the urge to smell stinky things. If I had to guess I would say it’s because it’s a sensory stimulation. Even if the smell is bad, we still enjoy smelling it because it’s something. Just how evil is necessary to know what good is, stinky things are necessary to appreciate the absence of odor. But yeah that is odd because you would never lick your assy finger to taste how bad it tastes. If you do I would consider getting some therapy for that. I hope that answered your question, Danielle.

Ask me your questions at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Deep Throat”

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The Top 5 Worst Songs To Blast In Your Car While Driving Through The Ghetto

Some songs just aren't
suited for the hood.

When you’re driving through the ghetto where you grew up you always have the urge to blast music really loud in your car so everyone else can hear it too. Usually that’s fine if it’s Tupac or Biggie, but there are some songs you don’t want other people to hear. The right song can make you look cool, but the wrong song can make you look very weird and cause people to laugh at you. Here are the top 5 worst songs to blast in your car:

5. “Violin Concerto in A Minor” by Antonio Vivaldi



If you want to shock people, play “Violin Concerto in A Minor” in your car and turn it up as loud as it will go. The reason this is shocking, no one has ever done this.

4. “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLaughlan

Pretty much any Sarah McLaughlan song is bad to play loudly in your car. It’s also very unfortunate if you happen to be driving by a house where a dogfight is occurring.

3. Any type of meditational music

Meditational yoga music is meant to relax you and part of that means not turning the volume knob all the way up. The problem is, other drivers are hearing the music at the proper level through their windows and this may cause them to be too relaxed when they’re driving and you might cause an accident.

2. “Ho Hey” by The Lumineers

Don’t you hate when you’re at a red light screaming “HO!!!! HEYYY!!!” along to this song and you didn’t realize someone pulled up beside you and is recording you on their phone will laughing hysterically? Yeah me too.

And the number one worst song to play loudly in your car while you’re driving through the ghetto is…

1. “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus

Actually this is a bad song to play loud no matter where the hell you are. Approximately 99% of all people will have a negative reaction to it and they may try to kill you.

3 Subtle Signs That Human Civilization Will End Sooner Than Later

Isn't it about that time?

People have been forecasting the end of humanity for generations. Their failure to guess right might give you some comfort, but remember that the end of the world is inevitable. As we move along the timeline the odds of someone guessing correctly only increase. Taking comfort in past failures to predict the end of times would be like taking comfort in guessing wrong about needing to take a crap. You might have survived a few close calls earlier in the day, but eventually you’re going to need to find a toilet FAST and there are signs to notice. When you’re about to crap your pants your farts are going to smell more and more like shit. Just like crapping your pants, the end of human civilization is leaving signs as well and here are three subtle hints you might have missed:

1. We’ve reached a cultural and technological peak.

Culturally, humanity has maxed out. Everyone knows all the best movies and songs have already been made. That’s a bad sign. Does anyone really expect for a new song to come out tomorrow and blow everyone out of the water and be considered the greatest song of all time? No. That’s actually nearly impossible because all the best most pleasurable lyrics and note arrangements have already been composed. If someone were to somehow recreate a few and have a massive hit song we’d point to how it was a ripoff of the older, superior songs. The key here is that once we max out in every other field not just music and movies, but literature, dance, etc. Humanity will have nearly nothing new or better to offer ourselves and our own history will make us obsolete. Life cannot continue much longer once that happens. We will destroy ourselves out of sheer boredom.

And while technological advances are made every day now, new technologies these days tend to be more in the fields of medicine and entertainment. While these are fun and shiny and help us live longer, they don’t really solve any of our pressing issues. No one’s inventing the things we need to effectively combat climate change. We should be building Jetsons houses to avoid tsunami flooding not curved TVs.

There aren't any new Mozarts, or Einsteins, or even Richard Pryors.

2. We have no clear vision of the future.

Remember how people used to think of the future as a time featuring flying cars and teleporters? Well now we’re living that time and none of that shit is real. The disturbing thing is we’ve just abandoned those concepts altogether. It’s not like now we think we’ll have flying cars and teleporters in the year 2040 or something. No, no one thinks that. We all know it’s impossible and we’ve accepted that. However, that shouldn’t stop us from continuing to picture a brighter utopian future. Why don’t we have a vision for 2040 the way people in the 60’s viewed the year 2000? That’s a sign something is wrong. It’s a sign we know we probably won’t be around for much longer and without a nice utopian future to strive for that may become a self fulfilling prophecy. Look at how far we missed when we dreamed of flying cars. Where will we be when we miss hitting the mark again especially when that mark is NOTHING?

Yeah, this probably won't ever happen.

3. In around 50 years, a lot of people will have grandparents named Skyler.

The names that parents give kids these days is a huge sign that they will not live to old age. Here are a few of the most popular names that people give to their babies today: Gavin, Ethan, Caden, Zoe, Brooklyn, Brayden, Aiden, and of course Skyler or Skylar. I’m not saying these names are dumb or silly, I’m just saying you can’t picture a 60 or 70-year-old with these names. No child in 2060 is going to say “Thanks for the Christmas presents, Grandpa Caden!” That just doesn’t sound right. Something about that just doesn’t seem very likely. You know what babies were named back in the 60’s? George, Paul, and Rachel. The same things people were named for centuries. Either today’s kids are not going to grow up to have grandchildren OR the future is going to be very absurd and ridiculous with elderly people named Brevin and Skylar. Maybe that’s why we have such a hard time envisioning our future.  

How much do you want to bet all these kids had grandparent names?

The future used to be an amazing fantasy of a world we believed our children would live in splendor. These days the future is a hazy, nebulous void that we passively shuffle our offspring into wishing for it not to be impending doom. We used to believe and now we wish. That’s not a good sign.

Dumbass Sayings: “Nut Shots Are For Pussies”

When you’re in a street fight with someone much larger than you, your survival instincts kick in. This will sometimes cause you to attack the other person’s genitals. When you’re punching away on a man’s sack usually someone in the crowd will yell “Nut shots are for pussies!” Well if I’m the pussy why is this guy screaming like a banshee? I’m turning this guy’s testicles into guacamole with my fists and you’re calling ME a pussy? Even the toughest self defense experts will tell you that in a life and death fight you need to use everything at your disposal. You need to attack key pressure points. What better pressure point is there than the human nutsack?

You know who also attacks the nuts during a fight? Chimpanzees. You gonna call a chimpanzee a pussy? Go ahead, I dare you. Step toe to toe with a creature that has roughly three times the strength of a man, call it a pussy and guess what’ll happen. It’s going to grab your genitalia with its hand and tear it right off like it was a band aid. Then it may or may not eat it! I’m not here to rip people’s nuts off, I’m just here to win a damn fight because NO ONE laughs at my MC Hammer pants and gets away with it!

If I punch you in the balls so hard they fall off then who's the real pussy?

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Toss Pennies on the Grave of Benjamin Franklin?”

He's a dead legend,
not a fountain.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

People toss pennies on Benjamin Franklin’s grave for good luck, but why do they choose pennies? Abraham Lincoln is on the penny, you dummies! Who the hell is you to toss pennies on a mafucka’s corpse for good luck? That’s some selfish bullshit right there! You gonna litter this man’s final resting place for improved luck? That’s some silly ass behavior! Please explain this to me! -- Monica from Philly

Dear Monica:

I don’t think people mean for it to be a sign of selfishness. Yes it is weird to turn someone’s grave into a wishing well, but I think it’s meant to be more of a tribute to his memory. People throw coins on the resting places of saints to honor them so that’s what these people are doing with Franklin. And I’m sure they’d like to be able to afford to drop 100 dollar bills on the man’s grave, but no one is THAT rich. Pennies are the next best thing because they’re cheap enough to be thrown around and yet they’re still considered currency.

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