Ask McFartnuggets: “Why is the Average Pop Song Only 3 Minutes Long?

No, I said POP music.

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why are nearly all pop songs three minutes long? My grandpa told me it goes back to the days of records when they could only fit that much music on each side. Is that true? I wanted to double check because he’s been getting very senile these days. Just the other day I saw him in the backyard mumbling racial slurs to our apple tree. -- Chloe from Lucas, Ohio

Dear Chloe:

Yeeaaaah your grandpa probably has Alzheimer’s. He might have a point with the record theory but I think we all know the real reason pop songs are three minutes long is if they were any longer, you’d kill yourself. Three minutes minutes must be the limit before the human brain starts formulating rash, illogical escape plans to silence the music one way or another. Music producers probably discovered this awhile back and realized they could only subject people to pop music for three minutes or less. Even if they wanted to make the songs longer than three minutes, pop lyrics usually run out around the ten second mark. More than three minutes is just too much repetition of the same chorus over and over. Put simply, if pop songs were any longer than they are you’d see a lot more public violence and self harm at grocery stores and other places that play current top hits.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s a Good Way to Lie About My Thanksgiving Plans to Coworkers?”

Don't forget to post plenty
of fake Facebook posts!

Dear McFartnuggets: 

This Thanksgiving I’ll be doing my usual Thanksgiving ritual of eating a Banquet turkey TV dinner alone in my underpants. Then I’ll think about what little I have to be thankful for before going into my bathtub to masturbate while crying. The only problem is when people at work ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving I can’t tell them that. I have to make up a new excuse every year and I’m running out of lies to tell. Keep in mind I can’t mention anything about family or I’ll start to tear up and choke on my words which makes it obvious I’m lying. What lies can I tell this year to make people at work think I’m normal? -- Brevin from Tampa Bay, Florida

Dear Brevin:

That is messed up… I mean, oh that’s sounds cool. Well, if you can’t make up lies involving your family I would probably try saying you’re going to spend the day volunteering at a local soup kitchen serving meals to the less fortunate. Then you’ll actually have people wishing they had your strength and energy to help others instead of pitying you if they knew the truth. Either that or I would tell people I was going on a crazy trip to a casino with a bunch of escorts because that’s also something people might envy. It also might be a little more believable to them if they know you’re not a family oriented person. Good luck and have a happy thanksgiving!

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Dumbass Sayings: “A New York State of Mind”

Billy Joel has a famous song where he says “I’m in a New York state of mind!” What the hell does it mean to be a in a New York state of mind? Did you just have a hobo’s dick touch your leg on a city bus? Did you just see a crack addict eating a live pigeon? Did you just accidentally get kicked in the face by a teenager who was breakdancing on the subway? Did you see a schizophrenic lady covered in stray cat shit wipe her ass with a newspaper in Central Park? Did you just get catcalled by a transvestite hooker in Queens? Did you get cursed out in ten different languages in five seconds while walking through Times Square? Did you say a hail mary as your cab driver wove in between cars, buses, hitting people, and bicyclists while going 70 miles an hour and speaking in tongues? Did you spend 10 dollars on a hot dog made of squirrel meat? Did you see two rats making passionate love in the pubic hair of a dead homeless man? Did you just see a baby carriage get hit by stray gunfire in Brooklyn? That’s how you get into a New York state of mind and it’s nothing to brag about.

I don't think that's a greyhound.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Okay to Tell Another Man He Has a Cute Dog?”

Everyone knows dogs are
cute, you don't have to
mention it.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

As a grown man, is it okay for me to tell another man he has a cute dog or is that seen as weird? What if the dog is really cute? Am I just supposed to let that cuteness walk by without me mentioning it? Come on! -- Salvador from Venice Beach, California

Dear Salvador:

You certainly can tell another man he has a cute dog, but it is awkward and weird. The thing that makes it weird is that even though you’re complimenting the dog, the dog doesn’t know you’re complimenting it. The compliment really isn’t for the dog’s benefit. You’re not feeding the ego of the dog when you call it cute. Rather, you’re attempting to make conversation with the owner. In many cases a guy will get a cute dog in order to start conversations with women. So basically calling a man’s dog cute is less of a compliment to the actual dog and pointing out the obvious and more of an icebreaker to talk to another man. It may not be your intention, but that’s how it’s seen and that’s what makes it seem slightly gay. The only real reason you'd ever compliment someone on their dog is to compliment their taste in dogs, but it's pretty difficult to have a bad taste in dogs. Telling someone they have a cute dog is like telling them they have eyeballs. That's not even really a compliment.

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Dumbass Saying: “The Stink Eye”

When someone looks at you in a mean way some people call that “The stink eye.” I have no idea how this phrase came to mean that. Giving someone a mean look is not the stink eye, The Stink Eye is when you moon someone and spread your buttcheeks open so they can see your butthole and you wink at them with it at least once. THAT is the real stink eye that I think we all grew up with. Calling a mean look “the stink eye” doesn’t even make sense. Unless the person is a pirate with an eye patch looking at you with only one eye then it would be stink eyeS. Even if a cyclops was giving you a dirty look, we all know “stink eye” is a synonym for the human anus. The only way saying “stink eye” to mean a dirty look makes sense is if you’re calling the person giving you the look an "asshole." Honestly I don’t think that’s the reasoning behind the name though. That’s a little too convoluted. Calling someone showing you their butthole “the stink eye” is much more straightforward and we all know two things can’t be named the same thing so let’s come up with a new name for a dirty look and leave stink eye to its rightful owner.

This is the one and only stink eye as far as I'm concerned.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Should I Donate My Car to Kids?”

Kars 4 Kids isn't actually
an illiteracy charity.

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I keep seeing these commercials for Kars 4 Kids asking me to donate my car to them. Why should I donate my car to kids? Children shouldn’t be driving! That’s extremely dangerous. What kind of sick bastards would give cars to kids? That’s like handing them a loaded gun. Not only is it a risk to their safety but the safety of other drivers as well as pedestrians! Plus these kids clearly have no idea how to spell. Shouldn’t we be donating dictionaries to them? It’s spelled C-A-R-S! -- Nicole from Santa Barbara, California

Dear Nicole:

Well most car donation charities don’t actually give the cars to the children. I know it’s a little misleading, but they mostly just sell the cars to chop shops and salvage yards. Sometimes they auction the cars off and then the money is given to their cause, though sometimes a large portion is kept by the people who run the charity. You have to be careful which charities you give your car to for that reason. The last thing you should worry about is disadvantaged children driving your old ass car down the freeway on a joyride with their head not even past the steering wheel.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Candlelight Vigil”

When a person dies in a tragedy sometimes people in their neighborhood will engage in a “candlelight vigil.” This is where they stand around praying while holding candles with a little cup surrounding the flame. I’m not going to question why people stand around praying, but I will question why they need to hold candles. What is the purpose of candles in this situation? If they used lanterns would the prayers not work? If they prayed without holding a candle just standing by a lamp post would that not be as good? I think people just like the candles because of the way it looks when a bunch of people are gathered around holding them. That’s kind of messed up. It’s about the person who died not the group of people. And why bother even calling them “candlelight vigils”? Why not just “vigils”? What other types of vigils are there? There are no ham sandwich vigils. It’s always candles so let’s just save some syllables there.

Candles are like prayer boosters.

Dumbass Sayings: “Getting The Short End of The Stick”

When someone says you got the “short end of the stick” that basically means you got a bad deal. What sense does that really make? If you’re getting a stick, why would you only get an end of it? If you’re receiving the end of a stick then there’s a good chance that’s because it’s going up your ass. Or maybe you’re being beaten with an end of a stick. If that’s the case then getting the short end would be a GOOD THING. This saying is just completely confused and ridiculous. Some people even say “the long end of the stick” meaning the short end of the stick. Apparently they’re interchangable which makes absolutely no damn sense. No one really knows where this saying came from or why people even still use it. The only real acceptable form of this saying is getting the “wrong end of the stick.” You still have no idea how an end of a stick could be right or wrong, but at least it’s a little more straightforward. Saying you got the wrong end of the stick leaves less to the imagination. Why you’re still likening a scenario to receiving an end of a stick is beyond my understanding.

How can there even be a short end of a stick? A stick no matter what length would be seen as having two equal halves.