Are unicycles the transportation of the future?

With planes falling out of the sky every day, SUVs smashing into tour buses, trains derailing, people falling off of cruise ships, and walking being too slow, somebody eventually has to promote the unicycle as the transportation device of the future. But who would be crazy enough to think human beings can use unicycles to get around on an everyday basis? ME! That's who!

Reasons to take up unicycling:

1) It's completely green transportation. Bicycles might be under the disguise of green, but how green is it when you ride your damn bicycle into a deer like that idiot Matt Lauer did? The only thing green about that is the deer bile you have to wipe off your Huffy with a damp sponge and towel.

2) It's safe. When was the last time you heard of a deadly unicycle accident? Has that ever happened in the history of mankind? Meanwhile a guy in a wheelchair gets mugged in Florida. Also, there's no safety equipment necessary (this kind of goes with being green). When you eventually do die there won't be plastic helmets everywhere to be rejected by the soil.

3) Unicycles are versatile. Sure you can't unicycle to Idaho, yet, but it's only a matter of willpower. Unicycles can go up stairs, traverse 4 inch wide zig zag platforms, and dozens more amazing flaming obstacles.

4) They require physical fitness to operate. You will never see a morbidly obese person on a standing unicycle. If we teach our kids to ride unicycles at a young age and make it an unavoidable part of culture, no one will ever become fat, and even if they do, they'll still have the agility and balance to utilize a unicycle and at that point the blubber is merely an issue of aesthetics not health.

I could think of more reasons, but those are good enough as it is. You might be worried about looking like an idiot, but that's just because you're afraid to fail. No one successfully rides a unicycle on their first try, that has to be genetically coded into a child's DNA and that won't happen for at least fifteen years, so just sacrifice some dignity and join the movement you self conscious ass!

-Binkie McFartnuggets