New Dannon Activia Fiber Yogurt? Are you sure?

If, despite all your attempts at eating medicated yogurt designed to flush your bowels isn't helping you achieve the world record for most visits to the toilet in a single day, there's good news... New Dannon Activia with Fiber!

What in the hell is Dannon trying to prove here? Yeah, sure being "regular" is very important, but how regular is it to be constantly sh*tting a brick? I'm sure your anus wouldn't agree. I know constipation is a serious and painful issue, believe me I know, but this new Activia yogurt is pushing it (pardon the pun). Even Jamie Lee Curtis has to be worried about possible promotional appearances where she'll be contractually obligated to scarf this stuff down. God bless her soul... And her colon for that matter.

Prior to the innovation of Activia Fiber, the only other way to achieve this level of bowel movement was to eat an entire sycamore tree. There should be a warning on the side of the package that says, "Must consume with blowtorch." If you are at all reticent about trying this yogurt, you might as well trust your instincts and instead swallow a time released plastic explosive the size of a human jawbone. It won't be as loud or work nearly as well, but your wallpaper will thank you later.