The Top 10 Worst Places/Times To Crap Your Pants

There are literally thousands of bad places to crap your pants. There’s really no good place to do it, except maybe at home. At home when you’re alone by yourself would be the least worst, and even then it’s still pretty heartbreaking. Here’s a list of the top 15 shittiest places to crap your pants.

15. On line waiting to buy the newest trendy electronic device.

When you’re the type of person who will wait five days on line for the newest iTampon, soiling your trousers isn’t going to stop you so you’ll just end up standing with a pantload of crap for days on end like a psychopath.

(Photo of people waiting in line for the Xbox One.)

14. Church

Crapping your pants at church is a sin and would be higher on this list if it wasn’t for the forgiving nature of god. Oh the priests and nuns are gonna want to kick your ass, but odds are they won’t and you’ll just have a new excuse to never go back. That’s why this is only #14 on our list. If it was legitimately an accident, the lord will understand.

You're already sitting in a "pew" no need to rub it in.

13. While sitting on Santa’s lap

If you’re a child this is a little more acceptable, but as a drunk adult you probably shouldn’t be sitting on a mall Santa to begin with, much less ruining his pants.

Santa's looking pretty damn good these days!

12. Comedy club

Crapping your pants at a comedy club can sometimes be a sign of respect for the performer, like burping during a meal. The only problem is the comedian may choose to single you out and humiliate you even more than you already are. On the bright side, most everyone should be laughing and having a good time so you’re helping the show.

Thinking about pooping your pants? Think again! This clown's got jokes, son.

11. Dance floor

Usually a nightclub is a place to meet potential mates for the evening and the worst thing you can do in that scenario is to drop a bundle of Satan's meatballs into your bellbottoms. The worst is when you’re so caught up in the music you don’t realize it’s happened until it’s running down your shoes and someone just slipped in it.

Good luck getting laid now!

10. Movie theater

People dislike someone who uses their phone during a movie. They hate someone who talks during a movie. So, naturally they despise someone who shits their pants during a movie and adds an olfactory element to the viewing experience that totally takes them out of the illusion of cinema.

You better hope these come with nose plugs.

9. Opera

Messing your pants at an opera is a lot like messing your pants at a movie, except it’s worse because you’re probably in an expensive tuxedo and surrounded by people who are "appalled".

You'll have the fat lady singing early when you crap your pants at an opera.

8. School

Statistically, most crapping of pants occurs at schools. Unfortunately, it’s one of the top ten worst places to do that because you’re surrounded by your peers. You could have had a great elementary school and junior high career, but if you poop your pants in high school you may as well start planning your move to another state and/or homeschooling.

Taking a dump in class is like setting off a fire drill in your pants.

7. Strip club

There are rules in strip clubs about what you’re allowed to do during a lap dance. Some clubs are strict, some are more relaxed, but no matter how relaxed they are, they will never let you shit in your pants.

If you're worried, always wear a diaper for a lap dance. The strippers will laugh, but what the hell do they know! If they knew anything they wouldn't be strippers that's for damn sure! Sorry, that got a little too personal for me there.

6. During sex

Crapping your pants during sex is pretty terrible. Mostly because, why are you wearing pants?

Fortunately, my girlfriend is pretty understanding when it comes to these things.

5. During a helicopter ride

Having a fecal accident in a flying helicopter is especially unpleasant because there’s no bathroom to go clean up in. You’re just there sitting in the whirlybird. Plus, helicopters are terrifying death traps to begin with so distracting the pilot with a pantload of dung is not a good idea.

Not shitting in a helicopter is a mighty tall order, but one that must be fulfilled if you want to land in one piece.

4. While scuba diving

Much like being in a helicopter, having a doodoo accident in a scuba suit is bad because there’s no escape. It’s worse in a scuba suit obviously because there’s virtually no air that can get to the poo to dissipate the stink. Just hope to god there aren’t any sharks attracted to the scent of digested human waste.

The mask fogs up even with no turds in there so you can imagine what it's like when the worst case scenario occurs.

3. Wedding

Pooping your pants at a wedding is awful especially if you’re one of the people getting married. The most humiliating part of that would be if it happens during the reading of the vows when you say “I doo" and you just so happen to have a steaming hot mess in your wedding pantalones.

It's always awkward when you have to leave your bride at the altar while you carefully saunter off to spend fifty minutes replacing your tuxedo pants.

2. Funeral

Funerals aren’t supposed to be fun, but at the same time they’re not supposed to be events that people run out of holding their noses and vomiting. A funeral service should be about honoring the life of the deceased person, but by you crapping yourself the focus turns to you and you can bet the dead person is looking down at you thinking “I’m going to haunt this son of a bitch forever.”

When you think about it, every poop is like a funeral for food.

1. During surgery

The number 1 worst place to crap your pants is during surgery. If you do, it’s definitely going to throw the surgeon and their assistants off their game. Anyone who says it doesn't is a liar. And if you’re the actual surgeon then you’re getting paid a lot of money to NOT crap your pants. Make sure you get that over with before the operation and please make sure to wash your hands extra hard.

You can't risk contaminating the wound!

Hey look, we all know mistakes happen, but hopefully you will remember this list and if you're ever in any of these situations you remember to get the hell outta there before nature rears its stinky, lumpy head.