Everyone loves New Year’s Eve because we pretend it’s a chance to start fresh even though literally nothing has changed since 11:59 PM on December 31st, except maybe now we have Herpes from kissing a random stranger. People make “New Year’s Resolutions” in an attempt to better themselves, but they’re always minor things like “Lose ten pounds” or “Quit smoking”. They’re never actual real life changing things. The reason they’re not is because you have to tell other people your resolution since it’s fun to share and they can help you with them. Unfortunately, most of the biggest changes we have to make are things we don’t want to share and we have to make up safe, fake resolutions so we never have to tell anyone these top ten SECRET New Year’s Resolutions:
10. “Don’t have a Herpes outbreak.” - This one is embarrassing because maybe the person who asked didn’t know you had Herpes and now they’ll think twice before engaging in intercourse with you. Also, this is just a plain ol’ bad resolution because you know it’ll be ruined by January 5th.
9. “Get a divorce.” - When a coworker asks you what your resolution is, it may very well be to legally separate from your spouse, but that really isn’t the type of information you want getting out around work. The intern in the mail room shouldn't know more about your family than your kids.
8. “Become a better parent.” - This is one that most people should actually have, but they don’t and they don’t because it’s embarrassing. They don’t want to admit they’re awful parents and they’re raising demon children who will one day become sociopath adults. The first step is realizing you have a problem, folks.
7. “Reconcile with estranged father.” - This one is embarrassing just because it makes everyone feel awkward and sad for you. It’s hopeful, but at the same time they know 88% of all resolutions fail and you’ll never make amends.
6. “Quit masturbating.” - By claiming this as your New Year’s Resolution you’re basically admitting that your masturbation habits are on par with a smoking addiction or an obese person’s need to lose weight and that’s a whole lotta baitin’.
5, “Gain 5 inches fast!” - Usually most people are concerned with LOSING inches after New Year’s. but when you say you want to ADD inches they know you’re talking about your mediocre genitals.
4, “Stop having sex with the cat.” - People will know how well you’re doing with this one by how few (or many) scratches you have all over your arms and face.
3, “Stop shitting the bed.” - If you’re the type of person who shits the bed, this is undoubtedly your real resolution for every single year, but you tell people “Uhh… Learn how to play the guitar…” And then run away.
2, “Don’t commit suicide.” - This is actually an attainable one, but it makes people worry about you.
1, “Have sex with a living adult human woman.” - The first thing running through someone’s mind when you tell them this is your resolution is, “Okay, so you’ve had sex with everything that ISN’T that?” But the answer is “NO! I was just being specific, idiot.” When setting goals for yourself, being specific never hurts, except on occasions like this.
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