The Top 5 BEST Substitutes For Toilet Paper

We've all been there, on the beach or at a concert, or at the movies where it's too late to get to a bathroom and you definitely don't want to crap your pants so you poo on the floor. The only real problem with this is there's NO TOILET PAPER! So what do you do? Do you pull your pants up, act like it never happened and continue shopping at the mall? No! You find a toilet paper substitute and finish the job! Here's a list of the top 5 best toilet paper substitutes you're gonna want to keep an eye out for.

5. Newspaper

When there’s no toilet paper, a newspaper is one of your best choices. It’s not a great choice since sometimes they’re all dirty and you’ll look like an octopus just busted a nut in your ass, BUT on the bright side it IS paper and you’ll have something to read right there. Plus, it’s always nice to wipe your ass with the Entertainment section.

I wouldn't recommend wiping with this particular issue. It's probably pretty valuable and also filthy as hell.

4. Garden shovel

Now I’m thinking more like one of those small handheld ones, but if you’ve got a huge ass and long arms maybe you need an actual shovel, I’m not sure. The nice thing about the shovel is it provides that great scooping action. If it’s possible, lubricate it to keep the metal from scraping you.

You should probably only use this one if you're a Marine or a trained professional.

3. Handful of dry rice

We all know dry rice is the solution for a watersoaked smartphone, but did you know it’s also a solution for a poopsoaked anus? There’s really no sensation like it in the world. The only problem is getting your hands on some in the moment of truth. Just don’t let anyone think they’re chocolate sprinkles, or DO if it’s your intention to pull a prank.

I think that's rice.

2. Your hand

An old staple. The last resort, yet often the best. Sure it’s gross, but that’s why we have a magical invention called “The back of someone’s jacket” to wipe your hands clean.

Some argue we evolved to wipe with our hands.

1. Someone else’s hand

The only better wiping option short of actual toilet paper or your hand is someone else’s hand, preferably attached to the person. Some people might say “But what about another person’s--!” Let me stop you right there. First off, that’s sick. Second, it costs too much. I’m taking price into account here and paying someone to wipe your ass with their hand is a lot cheaper than having them lick it.

Whoops, wrong picture!