How To Make Peeing Your Pants In Public Less Embarrassing

Elvis was one of the
pioneers of this strategy.

Peeing on yourself in public is one of everyone’s greatest fears. Fortunately there are a few ways to make it less embarrassing for yourself. The most important thing you can do to keep peeing your pants from being embarrassing is simple and that’s wearing really dark black pants. If you do this then it’s almost impossible for people to know you’ve peed. Just make sure they’re not breathable cotton or else the pee jet might blast right through. As long as the pants are sturdy there’s nothing that will give away you’ve peed except the urine coming out of the bottom of your pant legs. Fortunately not many folks will notice that since attention is only drawn to that when people see the obvious markings of a peepee accident which is the dark wet stain growing in the crotch of non-pitch black pants. Wearing dark black shoes and socks will further enhance the illusion that you haven’t peed yourself. The only thing that could give it away at that point is your blushing and shivering. Still, it’s not obvious what’s going on and you should have enough time to leave Chipotle without anyone figuring it out until you’re gone.

If you want to take this method to the next step you can line the legs of your black pants with absorbent cloths. If you do this there’s no stopping you. There’s literally nothing stopping you from peeing your pants any time you need to. You might say “Well why not just wear diapers?” If you have to take your clothes off in front of someone, having a diaper on is embarrassing, but cloth lined black pants? No one’s going to know what the hell that’s all about. Sure you’ll have wet underpants, but I think when we pee ourselves in public, the wetness of our underpants is the least of our concerns. This is about saving face around colleagues and strangers and hopefully you’ve learned it’s easier than you think as long as you act wisely beforehand.

How To Avoid Being Caught Masturbating

Nice Elephant Man legs, freak.

As any independent woman will tell you, being caught masturbating is one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to someone at Six Flags. It's like riding a bike, you never really forget. Still, there are a few tips I've picked up over the years that I'd like to share with you. Now you might be saying, but Binkie you get caught masturbating at least twice a week, what good are your tips?! Well you have to take into account my success rate. Yes I do get caught 2-8 times a week by one person or another, but I have an overall success rate of 97.74% so the math speaks for itself.

Right off the bat, the best offense is a good defense and that means make sure whoever is leaving the house remembers everything so they don't come back five minutes later. Remind grandma to take her keys every single time otherwise you're going to hear the door shut and get down to business immediately to maximize your time and she comes in to see you with the rope around your neck watching 2 Girls 1 Cup. Another preventative measure that can be done in this case would be to not have your grandma's keys on the desk in your room, but whatever.

My next tip is to wear MC Hammer pants. If you wear these things not only can you break out in to a Hammer Time dance any time you please, but it's very easy to fiddle your magic bean as your genitals are hidden in a flamboyant jungle of distraction. In fact I recommend masturbating WHILE doing an MC Hammer dance. Most people when confronted with this visual will become either hypnotized or so confused they have to walk away and their brain immediately flushes out the memory like a virus.

And because I can't give up all my secrets, my last tip is to try always to masturbate in some sort of closet with your ass to the door. This is helpful at work because if anyone does open up the closet all they end up seeing is enough to know they should leave. It might feel embarrassing, but as long as no one can see your face there's no real way to tell who it was. Unless you're at home, but even then it's still somewhat effective.