How To Avoid Being Caught Masturbating

Nice Elephant Man legs, freak.

As any independent woman will tell you, being caught masturbating is one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to someone at Six Flags. It's like riding a bike, you never really forget. Still, there are a few tips I've picked up over the years that I'd like to share with you. Now you might be saying, but Binkie you get caught masturbating at least twice a week, what good are your tips?! Well you have to take into account my success rate. Yes I do get caught 2-8 times a week by one person or another, but I have an overall success rate of 97.74% so the math speaks for itself.

Right off the bat, the best offense is a good defense and that means make sure whoever is leaving the house remembers everything so they don't come back five minutes later. Remind grandma to take her keys every single time otherwise you're going to hear the door shut and get down to business immediately to maximize your time and she comes in to see you with the rope around your neck watching 2 Girls 1 Cup. Another preventative measure that can be done in this case would be to not have your grandma's keys on the desk in your room, but whatever.

My next tip is to wear MC Hammer pants. If you wear these things not only can you break out in to a Hammer Time dance any time you please, but it's very easy to fiddle your magic bean as your genitals are hidden in a flamboyant jungle of distraction. In fact I recommend masturbating WHILE doing an MC Hammer dance. Most people when confronted with this visual will become either hypnotized or so confused they have to walk away and their brain immediately flushes out the memory like a virus.

And because I can't give up all my secrets, my last tip is to try always to masturbate in some sort of closet with your ass to the door. This is helpful at work because if anyone does open up the closet all they end up seeing is enough to know they should leave. It might feel embarrassing, but as long as no one can see your face there's no real way to tell who it was. Unless you're at home, but even then it's still somewhat effective.