10 Dumbass Unncessary Medical and Biological Studies

One of the biggest unspoken problems in the world right now is the funding that colleges and other medical institutions are given to study things that are basically common sense. There are loads of studies you see in the news that just confirm things even a chimp child would know. Here are a few real studies that have been in the news lately:

10). "Study links heavy diesel exhaust to lung cancer".  Shocking. I had always thought heavy diesel exhaust was the fountain of youth...

9). "A study on bats suggests that bats produce twice as many female babies as male ones in years when spring comes". When spring comes? Doesn't spring always come? And do you really check the gender of all those bats? These people were funded to look at baby bat vaginas! Unbelievable.

8). "Soda and sugary drinks linked to knee arthritis" Uh yeah, the soda makes you fat and heavy so there's more stress on your knee joints...

7). "A new study suggests that a brisk morning workout may reduce your appetite throughout the day." Yeah it MAY if you're a normal sized person in which case you probably don't need to reduce your appetite at all. If you're an obese person or someone who hates exercise and is out of shape then you won't listen to this study and that's fine because you'll probably have the same appetite regardless. 

6). "Upward mobility based mostly on parental wealth, a new study suggests" Wait you mean if your parents are rich you have a better chance of succeeding in life? 

5). "Women Who Quit Smoking May Gain Up to 10 Years of Life" Yeah, UP TO. Up to ten years also includes zero. It also caps it off at ten so that could be a bad thing.

4). "New study suggests link between teenage aggression and violent games" So let me get this straight, if someone sits in front of a screen participating in a game where violence is rewarded for hours on end that will subconsciously make someone more aggressive? I thought it would calm them down!

3). "A new study published last month in Nature Journal suggests that humans are naturally good." Okay, thanks. How about you tell that to all the murderers and criminals out there. Oh right, they don't give a shit! 

2). "New Study Suggests Meth May Cure The Flu." Yeah and shooting yourself in the mouth with a shotgun helps stop depression.

1). "Men without testicles might live longer, study suggests" Amazing how much safer you become when you're not doing crazy shit to impress women and trying to get laid.

People get paid to study this shit. What else could be done with that money? I have a study that suggests all the money being wasted on superfluous and common knowledge studies could cure Cancer and end homelessness.