'Tis the season to have your annoying neighbors knock on your door and sing century old songs into your face. While I appreciate the holiday spirit, it can get to be a bit much. I'm already having a good time on Christmas Day. This is the scenario that always occurs: I just opened my gifts, I'm eager to try out the new Malaysian Spiral Fuck Pendulum Sex Chair I got then I hear the doorbell ring and it's a bunch of douchetriscuits who want to sing at me like I'm a Burger King drive-thru speaker. Forgive me if I don't have the forty minutes to stand there awkwardly trying not to make eye contact with any of these freaks who've decided the best way to spend their time today was to sing to people that hate them. Honestly, I get that it's a nice gesture, but their time would really be better spent singing to homeless people or giving them hand jobs I don't know. Do something charitable for the sake of Christmas! This isn't charitable, it's just intrusive and odd.
Here are the top ways I like to deal with carolers:
3). Hide behind my couch until they leave.
2). Say "Sorry I'm Jewish" then slam the door in their faces.
And if they still don't get the hint that I'm not in the mood...
1). Flamethrower.
That last one is a bit drastic and can lead to jail time, but that's only if you use a full-scale flamethrower. Usually a can of Raid sprayed into a candle will do just fine.
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