The Top 5 Things Dogs Get Away With That Humans Can’t

If you could choose to be any other type of animal besides a human, most people would want to be dinosaur, chimp, or dolphin, but dogs should definitely be higher on that list. In addition to being man’s best friend, dogs also have a lot of advantages that humans simply don’t. Here are the top 5 things that dogs can get away with that people can’t:

5. Eating their own poop

Sometimes dogs like to eat their poop and it never seems to bother them much. If you’re a human who eats shit, you probably get really sick from all the bacteria. Now I’m not saying I’d eat shit if it never made me sick, but it’d be nice just to know if I did happen to get shit in my mouth it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

If you're a dog you can eat pretty much anything except chocolate and onions.

4. Chasing the neighbor’s cat

Dogs love chasing cats around and it’s completely socially acceptable for them to do this. If you’ve ever chased your neighbor’s cat around you know how much people will stare at you. It really hurts your standing in the community because people aren’t sure exactly what’s wrong with you, they just know something is definitely wrong.

Try running like this at your neighbor's pets and see what happens.

3. Sniffing people’s crotches without permission

One major advantage that dogs have over humans is they can just walk up to people and bury their faces in somebody’s crotch. If you try to do that as a person that’s an automatic jail sentence. With dogs, nobody really cares.  

Dogs have a great sense of smell, but they really get up in there anyway.

2. Putting their face in other dogs’ assholes

One of the first things a dog does when they meet a new dog is to put their face in that dog’s buthole. That’s their version of Facebook. You pretty much learn all you need to know about a stranger from their asshole. Sadly, people are usually too uptight for this. We bypass this step and go through a bunch of other ways to figure people out. Dogs cut the shit and get straight to the point.

Sniffing your employer's asshole every day in lieu of a handshake would make you a literal brown noser. 

And the number one thing a dog can do that humans can’t is...

1. They can piss and shit in public

One thing that has to be great about being a dog is you can just piss and shit wherever you want as long as you’re outside. There’s no shame involved. Whenever you feel that urge you let it go. Then someone actually bags it up for you in a little doggie bag like it’s an unfinished portion of a meal at a restaurant and people wonder why dogs eat their own shit? You put it in a goddamn snack bag! Talk about mixed messages!

If only there was a way to transform into a dog before the cops showed up.

The Top 5 Ways Dogs Have Better Lives Than Humans

As long as they're not around
Mike Vick or Sarah McLachlan,
dogs live pretty great lives.

Humans like to make believe that we have it better than dogs. We supplicate them to do our bidding in exchange for rubdowns and food. We think they’re the ones who dream to be us when truthfully it is we who should dream to be dogs. Sure humans have the gift of advanced reasoning and abstract thought, but that’s about it. There are tons of reasons why dogs have better lives than humans and here are the top 5:

5. They don’t ever need to work.

Dogs don’t need to have jobs. When a dog does decide to find employment it’s usually as a bomb sniffer or police dog in which case they’re highly respected. A police dog is just doing his job, but everyone treats them like the greatest role models.

4. They can lick their own balls.

If I could lick my own balls I wouldn’t even be typing this right now. I’d be locked in the bathroom in my tub, burning my taste buds into nothingness. What a gift it is to lick one’s own balls.

3. They get to bark as loud as they want without any real punishment.

When you’re a dog you can bark randomly for no reason as loud as you want as many times as you want and as long as you eventually do stop, you’ll never be severely punished for it. As a person, if you go outside and start screaming nonstop eventually you will be placed under arrest. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not so lucky some other crazy person might just run up and beat the holy hell out of you.

2. They can just walk up and smell each other’s asses.

Dogs do this all the time, it’s like their handshake. Yet when you as a human walk up and bury your face in a person’s ass or even a dog’s ass for that matter, the police are on their way.

And the number one way dogs have better lives than humans is...

1. They get to pee and crap in public without being arrested.

The greatest thing about being a dog has to be the pissing and crapping in public. Imagine a world where humans could do that. You can’t. It’s too outrageous to even conceive of a man stopping randomly on the sidewalk to crouch down and pinch one out then pull up his pants and keep on walking. Yet for dogs, that’s an everyday occurrence. If a human pees on a tree in a public park they can actually be arrested for that whether or not they have their leg up. It’s insanity to us, but to a dog it’s just life.