The Top 5 Ways Dogs Have Better Lives Than Humans

As long as they're not around
Mike Vick or Sarah McLachlan,
dogs live pretty great lives.

Humans like to make believe that we have it better than dogs. We supplicate them to do our bidding in exchange for rubdowns and food. We think they’re the ones who dream to be us when truthfully it is we who should dream to be dogs. Sure humans have the gift of advanced reasoning and abstract thought, but that’s about it. There are tons of reasons why dogs have better lives than humans and here are the top 5:

5. They don’t ever need to work.

Dogs don’t need to have jobs. When a dog does decide to find employment it’s usually as a bomb sniffer or police dog in which case they’re highly respected. A police dog is just doing his job, but everyone treats them like the greatest role models.

4. They can lick their own balls.

If I could lick my own balls I wouldn’t even be typing this right now. I’d be locked in the bathroom in my tub, burning my taste buds into nothingness. What a gift it is to lick one’s own balls.

3. They get to bark as loud as they want without any real punishment.

When you’re a dog you can bark randomly for no reason as loud as you want as many times as you want and as long as you eventually do stop, you’ll never be severely punished for it. As a person, if you go outside and start screaming nonstop eventually you will be placed under arrest. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not so lucky some other crazy person might just run up and beat the holy hell out of you.

2. They can just walk up and smell each other’s asses.

Dogs do this all the time, it’s like their handshake. Yet when you as a human walk up and bury your face in a person’s ass or even a dog’s ass for that matter, the police are on their way.

And the number one way dogs have better lives than humans is...

1. They get to pee and crap in public without being arrested.

The greatest thing about being a dog has to be the pissing and crapping in public. Imagine a world where humans could do that. You can’t. It’s too outrageous to even conceive of a man stopping randomly on the sidewalk to crouch down and pinch one out then pull up his pants and keep on walking. Yet for dogs, that’s an everyday occurrence. If a human pees on a tree in a public park they can actually be arrested for that whether or not they have their leg up. It’s insanity to us, but to a dog it’s just life.